Clean Laffs » Weddings

Bring on the bridesmaids.

editor — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 13:00:09 +0000

Good morning crew,

Steve, the editor of The Daily Groaner, is getting married
next month and he needed someone to fill out his roster.
You know, someone not so good looking so that he doesn’t
draw attention away from the rest of the people at the front
of the church or at the head table at the reception. So he
tapped me.

Steve tried to give me a rundown of what was going to happen
but I held a hand up… “I’ve done more than a couple of
these,” I assured him. “I only need to know one thing…is
my bridesmaid single?”

Laugh it up,

Joe

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***

“It’s Earth Day. The day we celebrate when the Earth was
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-Jimmy Kimmel

***

“Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together in
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pick a topic. The first hour will be on the international
banking crisis; the second hour will be dedicated to NASCAR
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***

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The good news: There’s always Congress, the NFL, and show
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Don goes into business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart
and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner,
right near a large bank.

One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he
can lend him some money.

Don refuses.

“But why?” asks Jim. “Everyone knows you’re doing well, and
I’m not asking for much.”

“Well, Jim, in order to get this spot I had to sign a Non-
competition Agreement with that bank over there. According
to the terms of the agreement, they don’t sell hot dogs,
and I don’t lend money.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had
radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few
miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane
standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge
to his professional reputation.

With determination, full flaps and engine just above the
stall, he maneuvered into the field. Climbing out, he shouted
angrily to the trainee, “Just how did you manage to get into
such a small field?”

“I landed in the big field over there,” the trainee pointed,
“but in order to leave room for you, I had the farmer tow me
here.”

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

You have to know how to make your own fun.

editor — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:00:30 +0000

Good morning crew,

Well, I did not make it to Chicago Gourmet this weekend,
but the wedding reception made up for it. It was at one
of the local, south side banquet halls and the food was
excellent.

It was what you call “family style” which means each
table is provided with giant platters of various dishes
and everybody just helps themselves. So you can help your-
self to more of one thing and less of another depending
on what you like.

The menu consisted of roast turkey breast with gravy and
stuffing, Thanksgiving style, Italian sausage and pasta
in red sauce…which was very good, roast beef with some
kind of delicious, doughy dumplings and a couple giant
tureens of golden sweet corn were making their way around
the table, as well.

The bar was not quite as well-stocked as I might have
liked, but what the bartender lacked in variety he made
up for in enthusiasm. So no one went thirsty.

One of the fun parts of going to a wedding where you don’t
know anyone, of course, is sticking your face in the back
of all the family photos. I was practically following the
photographer around half the night and whenever he got a
group of people in his sights there I was in the background,
drink in hand, grinning like an idiot.

Although that picture of me with the bride’s mother on my
lap might come back to bite me.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of
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“We could pay off Visa,” he responded.

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In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad,
fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon
boating or playing golf or tennis…

When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the
finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my
veranda again.”

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be
envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She
asked, “What’s his wife’s name?”

Her husband said, “I’m not sure, but I think it’s Veranda.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2008 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Very few injuries as far as weddings go.

editor — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 13:00:47 +0000

Good morning crew,

I guess I should mention a few details about the wedding,
like the bruised eyeball I received during the reception.
I’m not kidding! There is still a big, red blood bruise
in my right eye four days after the wedding.

I suppose it’s my own fault. I invited one of the girls from
the gym to go with me…one of the Taekwondo chicks. We were
on the dance floor doing the Funky Chicken, or something,
when I decided to be cute and make like I was going to give
her a bahndall chagi (or crescent kick).

It’s not like I was going to kick her, I was just goofing
around, but I guess she doesn’t have that kind of a sense
of humor, because she jacked me right in the eye.

She saw it earlier this week when I saw her again at the
school and she apologized for it, but I have this sneaking
suspicion she knew exactly what she was doing.

Fortunately that was the worst injury received during the
whole evening. Poor Mason came perilously close to getting
a concussion.

There is a bizarre tradition in his family that any of the
men who get married have to be thrown up in the air. I don’t
know who started this, or why, but all of the men in his
family really seem to get into it.

At one point I was at a corner table, talking to the maid
of honor and holding an ice cold bottle of beer up to my eye,
when one of Mason’s cousins snuck up to me and announced that
at the start of the next song every male in the room was
going to mob rush Mason and start launching him as high as
they could into the air.

Not one to be a party pooper I readily agreed.

There wasn’t much old Mason could do about it. One second he
is standing there on the dance floor, sweating in his rented
tuxedo and the next second fifteen guys have him lifted up
in the air and throwing him up and down.

It was about the second or third launch that I noticed the
ceiling fan whirring around on high directly above the mob
on the dance floor.

I screamed, “Ceiling fan!” But nobody heard me. Fortunately
they were about fifteen-foot ceilings and there weren’t quite
enough guys to get poor Mason that high. Not for lack of
trying, though.

It would have made a heck of a story.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140
or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention
in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local
cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con-
tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in-
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called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the
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“Oh,” the waitress interrupted. “Sorry about that.” She
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*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

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