Clean Laffs » Wedding

There was only one whiff of scandal.

editor — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 13:30:48 +0000

Good morning crew,

I wish I had some exciting news to tell you about the wedding
on Friday night, but everything went off without a hitch.

Steve confessed to me after the fact that he ALMOST cried
twice, but he was able to man up at the last second. It was
very emotional. They are all into each other like teenagers.

The reception was fun, though. Being a member of the wedding
party I felt obliged to stay half-sober and not embarrass
myself or anybody else, but I did spend a lot of time on the
dance floor (I might have been better off drinking considering
I was trying to keep from embarrassing myself).

There was only one whiff of scandal. I think I got hit on by
a married woman…but I’m too much of a gentleman to give
details. Suffice it to say I handled it with tact and aplomb,
but old Joe was definitely popular with the ladies that night!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Burger King is adding a new kids’ meal that’s lower in fat,
sodium and calories. It’s called the ‘I Don’t Want That.’”
–Jimmy Fallon

***

“The New Kids on the Block announced that they will be
appearing on a cruise ship. A cruise ship spokesman said,
‘What can we say? Good waiters are hard to find.’”
-Conan O’Brien

***

“According to Blender magazine, the average person spends
three years of their life in the bathroom. Do you know what’s
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She had been thinking about coloring her hair. One day while
going through a magazine, she came across an ad for a hair
coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair
a shade that she liked.

Wanting a second opinion, she asked her husband, “How do you
think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?”

He looked at the picture, crumbled it up, straightened it
out and studied it again. “Just great, hon.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter
hit with all its fury. “I wonder if the car has seat warmers,”
Ruth wondered.

“It sure does,” said Sam, looking through the owner’s manual.
“Here it is…rear defrosters.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

You never think you’ll need the insurance.

editor — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 13:00:07 +0000

Good morning crew,

Welcome to a new week and a new month, folks. It was quite
a weekend, what with the wedding and everything. I’m actually
glad to be back at work!

The last thing to do is return the tuxedo tonight. All I can
say is that I hope I took out that vomit insurance when I
rented the thing.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40
percent less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the
cat could care less either way, really.” –Jay Leno

***

“A company is now making a cell phone that allows you to
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way it works is that first you have to be insane.”
–Dave Letterman

***

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According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family
soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months
went by without success, they consulted the base physician,
who chose to examine Mom right then and there.

“Please disrobe,” he told her.

“With him in the room??” she yelled, pointing to my father.

Turning to Dad, the doctor said, “Captain, I think I found
the problem.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it’s always been
a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted
explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible.
When the subject came up while I was talking with a group
of guys, I replied simply, “Defense Contractor.”

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently
declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me
and asked, “So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

All I have to do is look pretty.

editor — Fri, 29 May 2009 13:00:57 +0000

Good morning crew,

Today is the wedding…Steve’s, not mine. Like a dummy I
decided I could work a half day today. I got to bed around
midnight and got up around five a.m. so I could make it
into the office early enough to leave by noon.

Now I have to clean up and change in the office bathroom.
What kind of a maniac gets married on a Friday anyway?

Ah, well, I should be able to handle it on five hours of
sleep. All I have to do is stand there and look pretty.
I don’t have to do any of the important stuff.

I let you know how it goes next week. Enjoy your weekend!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

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***

“The economy’s in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so
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***

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Differences between men and women

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and
Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each
throw in a $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of
them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit
they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but
it’s on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom
is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that… is the beginning of a new
argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men
kick cats.

7. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get
the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

8. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

9. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

10. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and
she does.

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the
end of the tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the
Unknown Soldier. They look at the tomb and read the following
inscription: ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ BORN 5694 DIED 5733 A GOOD MAN
AND A GREAT FURRIER.

The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, “How can
this be an unknown soldier if the grave has his name?”

Their host responds, “Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but
as a furrier — he was the best!”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

You have to know how to make your own fun.

editor — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:00:30 +0000

Good morning crew,

Well, I did not make it to Chicago Gourmet this weekend,
but the wedding reception made up for it. It was at one
of the local, south side banquet halls and the food was
excellent.

It was what you call “family style” which means each
table is provided with giant platters of various dishes
and everybody just helps themselves. So you can help your-
self to more of one thing and less of another depending
on what you like.

The menu consisted of roast turkey breast with gravy and
stuffing, Thanksgiving style, Italian sausage and pasta
in red sauce…which was very good, roast beef with some
kind of delicious, doughy dumplings and a couple giant
tureens of golden sweet corn were making their way around
the table, as well.

The bar was not quite as well-stocked as I might have
liked, but what the bartender lacked in variety he made
up for in enthusiasm. So no one went thirsty.

One of the fun parts of going to a wedding where you don’t
know anyone, of course, is sticking your face in the back
of all the family photos. I was practically following the
photographer around half the night and whenever he got a
group of people in his sights there I was in the background,
drink in hand, grinning like an idiot.

Although that picture of me with the bride’s mother on my
lap might come back to bite me.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets,
doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates
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***

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***

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My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of
financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to
see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized
our marriage. “With this ring…” I began romantically.

“We could pay off Visa,” he responded.

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who
had recently retired was describing his life, “I get up late
in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down
on my veranda for a few hours and relax.

In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad,
fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon
boating or playing golf or tennis…

When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the
finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my
veranda again.”

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be
envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She
asked, “What’s his wife’s name?”

Her husband said, “I’m not sure, but I think it’s Veranda.”

A little petty larceny.

editor — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 12:50:44 +0000

Good morning crew,

Wow. The wedding was so much effort I feel like I was the
one getting married, and I wasn’t even the one doing all
the work. I can’t imagine what old Mason must have gone
through over the last couple of months.

But it’s over now, and do you know where that sucker is
going on his honeymoon? Hawaii!

There are compensations for me, though (other than the
free food and the free booze at the reception). I swiped
his copy of SimCity 4 out of his apartment when I left
last weekend.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they
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***

“Gas prices are crazy. It’s getting so bad that the Amish are
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***

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On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted
several historical points of interest. The children were
especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game
“Oregon Trail,” which gives players a taste of the hardships
the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to
look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.

Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my
daughter nodded and said grimly, “This is where my oxen
always die.”

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

Blonde: Mmmm, it smells so good in here! Doesn’t it smell
good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what’s in my
nose right now!

Friend: I know!