Clean Laffs » Wedding Reception

After this I am going to need a vacation!

editor — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 13:00:02 +0000

Good morning crew,

Is it really Friday? I have been running around like a
chicken with its head cut off all week and now that the
weekend is here it is just going to get busier.

The black belt test is tomorrow and I promised a friend
I would go with her to a wedding reception on Saturday
night. And while I am rarely one to turn down free booze
and a meal I probably should have skipped this one.

And then on Sunday old Mason and I have to take the boat
out of the water and drag it back to the south side for
winter storage. There is a 12-hour day.

After this weekend I am going to need a vacation!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

Super Slim iPod Like MP3/MP4 Player by Coby Electronics
The feel of an iPod but it’s HALF THE PRICE…

Retail Price: $79.99
DEAL PRICE: $49.99

This Digital MP3/MP4 player, made by Coby, is more than just a
music machine. Store photos, playback some movies, record your
voice… even listen to the FM radio! Power via a battery
charger OR computer.

This is a a quality product designed to deliver outstanding
performance. So many features are included, we’ll just give
you some, click on the link to see a picture and get ALL the
details.

PRODUCT FEATURES:
- 1.66″ TFT LCD full-color display (160 x 128)
- Plays music, video, photos, and text
- Plays digital music from most online stores & sub services
- Integrated FM radio
- Integrated microphone for digital voice recording
- Touchpad Control Panel with LED backlight
- Stores up to 33 hours of music (roughly 500 songs)

Accessories included are earphones, USB cable and more. This is
one of those deals that will have you coming back to order
more… problem is, we don’t know how long they will last.
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/jv0mk2
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/jv0mk2“>
Today’s Deal of the Day

***

“The other night in Milwaukee, a brawl broke out among
people leaving a Celine Dion concert. Apparently, the
people leaving early were in the way of the people trying
to leave really early.” -Conan O’Brien

***

“There’s an asteroid heading toward the earth and we’re all
going to die. There is! Scientists are saying there’s a 1
in 45,000 chance of an asteroid hitting the earth in 2036.
Now an asteroid is a giant rock. It’s headed toward the
earth. We should send up a giant piece of paper. We couldn’t
send scissors; that would be impractical.” -Craig Ferguson

***

“Here’s some good news – a woman in Milwaukee gave birth to
a 13 pound 12 ounce baby girl last week. Thirteen pound 12
ounces. Doctors say the baby will be walking before the
mother.” –Jay Leno

——————————————————————————————
THROW THAT OLD BULKY AND SCRATCHED CHOPPING BOARD AWAY…
IT’S TIME FOR THE SPACE AGE FLEXIBLE CHOPPING MAT

Developed by scientists and used only by the finest chefs of
the world… You too can make the revolutionary Flexible
Chopping Mat a part of YOUR kitchen.

Perfect for cutting and chopping, the futuristic surface won’t
dull knives. Not only will it protect your countertops it also
provides a sanitary work surface. Great for camping, boating,
picnics and RV’s. You can even fold the sides and it becomes a
funnel… great for your veggies. Oh yeah, did we mention its
dishwasher safe and FDA approved. Don’t wait get three (3)
Flexible Chopping Mats for JUST $2.99 when you visit below:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/nq0ox7
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/nq0ox7“>
Flexible Chopping Mats
——————————————————————————————

When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked
my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.

“That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I
just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’”
he said. “And based on that, considering we’ve been married
23 years, she’d hand me a bill for about $798,000.”

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to
order a quart of potato salad. “We don’t sell it by the
quart,” the clerk snapped. “Okay, then give me two pints,
please,” I replied.

I’m proud to say I held my tongue when she asked, “Do you
want it in one container?”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2008 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

All I have to do is not embarrass myself.

editor — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 13:00:37 +0000

Good morning crew,

Another wedding this weekend, but this time it is no one in
my family. I’m just a date. Arm candy. I’m not even going to
the wedding, to be perfectly honest. I just have to show up
at the reception, look good, and try not to walk too purpose-
fully toward the bar.

There is an old rule that Frank Sinatra always followed when
at a party. He said always have a drink in your hand, but
never finish it.

I don’t subscribe to that rule. Especially when the aqua
vitae is gratis. All I have to do is not embarrass myself
in front of my date’s family and friends. I should be able
to handle that.

Also, Chicago Gourmet is this weekend. This is kind of like
the Taste of Chicago, except the food is good (and about
four times as expensive). I don’t know if I’ll have the time
for that, but if I do make it I’ll be sure to fill you in
on the details.

Enjoy your weekend!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

ALOE CLEANSING TISSUES – Package of 30
I Guarantee You’ll Love Them…

Retail Price: $5.99
DEAL PRICE: $2.99
Get two for $4.98

These Cleansing Tissues, by SkinLite, thoroughly remove eye-
liner, eye shadow, lipstick and brush-even waterproof mascara
without skin irritation. With the convenience of pre-moistened
cloths, they work in seconds to leave you feeling smooth,
fresh, moisturized and completely clean-anytime, anywhere!

While they are perfect for make-up removal, they are wonderful
for to freshen up too. Wipe your face for a clean and fresh
feel. Great for the car, purse even at work. Remember you get
30 sheets in a package.

Also Available: Green Tea Cleaning Tissues.
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/wy8m06

Grab one, two or three… you can mix and match between the
Aloe & Green Tea Tissues. As mentioned, I know you’re going to
love these. If you don’t, just return the unused portion for
a refund.
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/ng7582
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/ng7582“>
ALOE CLEANSING TISSUES – Package of 30

***

“Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of
snow…I rang her up and said, ‘Did you get my drift?’”
–Peter Kay

***

“Always and never are two words you should always remember
never to use.” –Wendell Johnson

***

“There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terres-
trial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience
or none at all.” –Ogden Nash

————————————————————
TIRED NO MORE…

Store Price: $24.99
INTRODUCTORY PRICE: $2.99

       “Studies show Ginseng is effective in treating
        circulation problems, fatigue, lack of energy,
        stress and anxiety.”

Throughout ancient history, Ginseng has been praised for its
exceptional nutrition value. Modern nutrition researchers
also regard Ginseng as a valuable herb because of its naturally-
proportioned wealth of vitamins, minerals, enzymes, & co-enzymes.

We’re SO SURE that our “Ginseng Energy” will help you, we’re
practically giving it away. For a fraction of the store
price you can get 60 pills to see for yourself what the
‘miracle of Ginseng’ can do for you. Grab a bottle by visiting
(Sorry there is a limit of five (5) bottles per order):
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/w489×6
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/w489×6“>
Ginseng Energy Tablets
————————————————————

One of our patients wasn’t taking any chances. Prior to her
operation, she taped notes to her body for the surgeon…
“Take your time,” “Don’t cut yourself,” “No need to rush,”
“Wash your hands…”

After surgery, as I helped the patient back into her bed,
we discovered a new note taped to her, this one from the
doctor, “Has anyone seen my wristwatch?”

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one
of our employees. After reviewing the different plans and
monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000
worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.

“Now,” he said, “what do I have to do to collect the money?”