Clean Laffs

Good morning crew,

We had quite a storm around here last night. There was
actually a tornado sighting in the town just south-east
of me. It was either that or a Toronado sighting, but I
thought Oldsmobile was out of business.

Anyway, I didn’t venture to the gym because of the weather
so I’m going to force myself to go tonight. Don’t wait up
for me!

Laugh it up,

Joe

 
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                            ***

“People magazine reportedly paid Angelina Jolie $14 million
for pictures of her twins. You can read about the deal in
Jolie’s new self-help book, ‘How to Have Babies for Fun and
Profit.’” -Conan O’Brien

                            ***

“Paris Hilton’s mother is angry that John McCain put Paris
in his campaign video. Amazing. Of all the videos Paris has
been in, this is the one Mom’s upset about?” -Jay Leno

                            ***

“Hillary Clinton’s campaign was $31 million in debt. Here’s
how you can help: If you contribute $5 to Erase Hillary’s
Debt, you can have dinner with her. For $10, you get to tie
the lobster bib on her pantsuit.” -David Letterman

 

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————————————————————

 

At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my
hand to give the final blessing.

The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a
high-five.

Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five,
too.

I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter
of the guests.

 

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

 

Things You’ll Never Hear In A Western Movie:

“I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist.
IN A DIRTY MUG!”

“Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction,
let’s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive
solution.”

“Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little
boys room.”

“Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!”

“Y’know, Badlands Pete… a roaring campfire, good coffee,
nice prairie breeze, just you ‘n’ me… what say we put on
the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?”

“Let’s see… hardtack and pemmican… that’s three grams of
fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches.”

“You ‘n’ Slim round up them strays, and I’ll tell Cookie to
get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.”

“That’s him! That’s the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!”

“He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a
keen eye for interior decoration.”

“Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?”

“It’s like I keep tellin’ ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone,
women is from Dodge.”

“HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! …Okay, now a little to the left…
.Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!”

 

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END OF CLEAN LAFFS 
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