Clean Laffs » Scotch

I do the jokes around here.

editor — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:00:35 +0000

Good morning crew,

     Hey, Joe: before you complain about people only
   buying you scotch for Christmas remember this -
   it’s not the gifts that count, but rather the
   spirits in which they’re given. Bottom’s up.
      -harry

Thanks Harry, but I do the jokes around here!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

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recruitment by allowing fatter people to enlist. In fact,
several new recruits have volunteered for a daring raid
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***
“An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past
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***

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My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of
financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to
see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized
our marriage. “With this ring…” I began romantically.

“We could pay off the Visa,” he responded.

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

Bob hadn’t been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked
into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over
in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in
greeting, saying, “You look like Helen Brown.”

“Well,” the woman snapped back, “you don’t look so great in
blue, either!”

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

A new record!

editor — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 13:00:50 +0000

Good morning crew,

I forgot to tell you about my Christmas haul. I got a pair
of leather gloves, and MP3 player (which is very nice), a
book and three (count ‘em) bottles of scotch!

This is what happens when you become stereotyped. People
think of old Joe and cannot come up with a single gift idea.
Apparently I am very difficult to buy for. So they get me
something they know will not go to waste. Hard liquor.

And I certainly don’t mind it. Good scotch is expensive.
But it is rather telling of what people thing about me.
This year is a record, too. Last year I only received two
bottles. So it’s getting worse…or better…depending on
how you look at it.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit
I’ve had since I was a teenager. About three times a week,
I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids
for prized heirlooms until I’m asked to leave.”
–Dennis Miller

***

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single
word of what I am saying.” -Oscar Wilde

[I can sympathize.]

***

A report says high school students aren’t very good with
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a majority of seniors thought Lincoln’s Gettysburg address
was ALincoln@gettysburg.com…”

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A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and
the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for
driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time,
so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking
to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen
lawyers in the main

lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers
thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the
judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear
that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury
room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and every-
one waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally
out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to
see what was holding up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, “Well have they
got a verdict yet?”

The bailiff shook his head and said, “Verdict? They’re still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman’s position!”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he’d caught recently
after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, “I saw the picture you
took of that fish. You’re lucky if it weighed 10 pounds.”

Doug replied, “Well…a fish can lose an awful lot of weight
during three hours of fighting.”