Clean Laffs » Reader Comments

I didn’t realize I had that kind of reach.

editor — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 13:00:19 +0000

Good morning crew,

I’d like to say ‘thanks’ to everybody who wrote in with
their suggestions on how to fix my Yorkshire pudding recipe,
including two people actually from Yorkshire! I didn’t
realize I had that kind of reach.

But it will be a while until I try it again. It was some-
thing of a project (for a bachelor, anyway). It took me
about three hours to prepare that meal! You have to under-
stand that my usual meals require no more time that it takes
to open a can of tuna and maybe cut up some fresh vegetables
if I’m feeling ambitious.

So any further pudding experiments will have to wait for a
while…at least until I get back from my weekender. The
weather is still looking sketchy. Keep your fingers crossed
for me!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“According to this week’s Newsweek, in this bad economy, a
lot of wealthy people are feeling what’s known as luxury
shame. They’re embarrassed about their wealth while others
are hurting. Although they say, after a few bottles of
Cristal, that feeling goes away.” –Jay Leno

***

“The Harry Potter film has already brought in over $400
million worldwide. Those box-office numbers are even more
amazing when you realize that nobody who went to the movie
brought a date.” -Conan O’Brien

***

“Today marks the 40th anniversary of the moon landing.
Astronaut Michael Collins was the pilot that day. But he
only got to orbit the moon. That’s like being the
designated driver on the greatest night of your buddy’s
life.” -Jimmy Fallon

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A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location.
“It’s only a stone’s throw away from the beach,” he was
told.

“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.

The reply came back: “It’s the one with all the broken
windows.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

In one of K.C.’s classes, they were discussing the
qualifications to be president of the United States. It was
pretty simple – the candidate must be a natural born citizen
of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class
immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to
be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented
many capable individuals from becoming president. KC and
the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but
everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argu-
ment by stating, “What makes a natural born citizen any more
qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Desserts, deserts or deserts?

editor — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:00:16 +0000

Good morning crew,

       Not to be picky or uppity but maybe you meant
     desserts? Just deserts would imply sand, wind,
       and hot weather….

desserts, Joe. Just deserts would be like, Gobi,
Sahara, etc. But you knew that, right?

     OH Joe… “just deserts?” Are you referring to
       the Sahara or the Gobi..or just “the Painted
       Desert?” I hate to desert you at this time in
     your spelling training, but I have to make the
      jello for my kid’s dessert. Your faithful fan
     in VERY hot Arkansas. -Marie

I received several other emails similar to these, but less
polite, so I didn’t include them. But I feel it is my
responsibility to set the matter straight on this matter.

A brief search of the dictionary produced the following
entry…

desert n. Something that is deserved or merited, especially
a punishment.

This word goes back to the Latin word ‘deservire’ which
means “to devote oneself to the service of…”

Fortunately, ‘desserts’ and ‘deserts’ are homonyms, so no one
will know you’ve been using the wrong word all this time. I
know this isn’t exactly amusing, but I find it hilarious!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Sunday was the summer solstice. It’s the longest day of the
year, if you don’t count Thanksgiving with your family.”
-David Letterman

***

“Tonight’s the premier of ‘America’s Got Talent.’ It’s based
on an English show called, ‘Britain’s Got Talent.’ Which they
do, in some areas. In others, not so much. Like dentistry.”
-Craig Ferguson

***

“Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes
when their owners’ blood sugar drops. They’re great at it,
but only when diabetes is in your crotch.” -Jimmy Fallon

———————————————————————————————–
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One of our projects at military leadership school called for
us to speak in front of the class on a topic picked by our
instructor. A classmate gave an impassioned speech on the
benefits of drinking liquor. Alcohol, he insisted, warded
off colds, kept you alert, and even made you steadier on
your feet.

“Good job,” said our instructor when he finished. “Only one
thing: Your topic was the benefits of drinking liquids, not
liquor.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

The first day at my new health club I asked the girl at the
front desk, “I like to exercise after work. What are your
hours?”

“Our club is open 24/7,” she told me excitedly, “Monday
through Saturday.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Coleridge was a hack.

editor — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:00:12 +0000

Good morning crew,

         Joe, one of the reasons you are having trouble
       selling your boat is because of the name. The
         word “Albatross” conveys a feeling that the
         boat is a burden and that is why you are selling
         it. Perhaps a more positive name might make a
         difference. Something like “Opportunity” or
       “Sunshine”. Give it a try.

-Mark E., Billings, MT

I appreciate the thought Mark, but the albatross has always
been considered by mariners to be good luck. Many believe
Albatrosses carry the immortal souls of lost sailors.

Seamen held that killing an albatross would bring bad luck.

It was that hack, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, who created the
false impression that an albatross is bad luck in his “Rime
of the Ancient Mariner.” To be completely honest, it was
high schooler’s poor reading comprehension which lead to
that misunderstanding.

The subject in Coleridge’s poem shoots an albatross, which
was a good omen, and then is forced to wear its corpse as an
indication that he, not the whole ship, offended against the
bird.

Anyway, the boat isn’t really called Albatross. That’s just
what I call it. It is officially named Serenity Now! And that
is with the exclamation point. I have old Mason to thank for
that. He registered the boat with that name (behind my back)
with Burnham Harbor and we had to put it on the hull.

We were the only boat in the entire marina that had a name
with punctuation.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“For sale,” read the ad in our hospital’s weekly newsletter,
“sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn
once, by mistake.”

***

When hiring new staff at the public library, I always ask
applicants what sort of supervision they’d be most com-
fortable with. One genius answered, “I’ve always thought
Superman’s X-ray vision would be cool.”

***

My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening
up in her neighborhood.”How convenient,” she said. “I can walk
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Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my
first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said
not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me
into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice
stated, “Lost satellite contact.”

I wasn’t embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said,
“Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

Dr. Smith asks his patient, “Which do you want first, the
good news or the bad news?”

The patient replies, “Give me the good news.”

Dr. Smith says, “You’re about to have a disease named after
you.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Are you gunning for my job?

editor — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 13:00:13 +0000

Good morning crew,

      Joe, I thought you might like this story. I was
    at the hardware store the other day standing in
      line about three people back waiting to return
something. The lady at the front of the line had
   a stud finder and wanted to return it because it
    didn’t find a single stud in her wall. The woman
      on the other side of the counter said, your right
they never work for me, every time it says stud
   they turn out to be jerks. -Jenn

That’s pretty bad, Jenn. If your jokes get any worse you’ll
be qualified to take over my job!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Yeah, the taxpayers are going to be lending bankrupt General
Motors $30 billion. Taxpayers’ money. That means GM has become
America’s brother-in-law.” –David Letterman

***

“Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of
global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of
New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New
Jersey won’t be under water.” –Conan O’Brien

***

“It’s always the same with new inventions. I can remember
when calculators came out. We weren’t allowed to use them
in school. The teachers would say, ‘Calculators prevent
you from learning arithmetic.’ I’d say, ‘I’m going into
show business.’ ‘Well, you’ll need arithmetic to count
your crushed dreams.’” -Craig Ferguson

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Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of
his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, “Oh, nothing. It’s just an old hockey injury
that acts up once in a while.”

Josh, “Gee, I never knew you played hockey.”

Andy, “No I don’t. I hurt it last year when I lost $1,000
on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the
television.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

The company my brother worked for had a phone system that
rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a
certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would
be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the
phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, “Psychic Hotline.
I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number.”

The caller would often reply with something like, “But I
didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I
dialed the wrong…. Oh!” (Click.)

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

The trick is to have fun!

editor — Wed, 20 May 2009 13:00:18 +0000

Good morning crew,

       Joe, would you PLEASE teach my husband how to
       quit when he’s ahead? He has to keep throwing
       it all back, in the hopes of hitting the ‘big
       jackpot,’ until he’s lost every penny.

Sincerely,
Broke in Ann Arbor

The trick to gambling…or at least to having fun with
gambling…is to never gamble more than you can afford to
lose. You have to look at it as an entertainment expense.

If you take $500 to the casino hoping to pay your $2,000
mortgage, you’ve already lost!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Good news for the environment — they’re cleaning up the
Hudson River. It had gotten so bad the salmon had to swim
upstream for their hepatitis shots.” -David Letterman

***

“Oh, the FDA now scolding General Mills for claiming that
Cheerios can lower your cholesterol by 10 percent. They say
that would be considered an unauthorized health claim. The
FDA also said there is no evidence that Lucky Charms are
magically delicious.” –Jay Leno

***

“On Saturday, President Obama went to daughters Malia and
Sasha’s soccer game. He went in Minivan One.” -Jimmy Fallon

———————————————————————————————–
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———————————————————————————————–

Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who
helped me with chores around the house.

One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms.
We thought it would take about an hour, but the task turned
into an all-day job.

“Thanks, Sweetie,” I said gratefully when we were finished.

“No problem,” she replied as she put away the tools. “Just
think of me as the son you never had.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

My son is the manager of a glass and window company and ad-
vertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good
glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who
called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.

“Where have you worked as a glazier?” my son asked.

The man replied, “Dunkin’ Donuts.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Golden, frothy inspiration.

editor — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:30:49 +0000

Good morning crew,

       “Maybe you shouldn’t get rid of the boat. I
       don’t know what the monthly payments are but
       it’s probably pretty cheap compared to what
       real joke writers cost. Since Mason is the
       subject, you are coming out pretty well.”

-Steve

That is a lot of money for a few column ideas, while feeding
old Mason five or six beers usually accomplishes the same
thing!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different
names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said – ‘Sticks
and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’,
and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all
the way.” –Harry Hill

***

“Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking
about myself. It’s kind of like being the guy on a date.”
–Caroline Rhea

***

As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so
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———————————————————————————————–

My new girlfriend, Karen, got a job at a local hardware
store. “The owner doesn’t want us hanging out with our
friends,” she said. “If you stop by, tell them you’re my
brother.”

On my first visit I walked to the customer service desk
and asked the older woman there, “Is Karen around?” When
she looked at me quizzically, I added, “I’m her brother.”

She smiled. “What a nice surprise. I’m Karen’s mother.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs,
she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or
fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.

Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a
few days later to see how she was managing. “Fine. I listened
to Shania Twain this morning,” she said.

“The whole CD?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, “just one side.”

Keep your hands off my ham.

editor — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:51:59 +0000

Good morning crew,

     Joe, I love your imagined airport conversation,
     and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s true. I’ve
     been doing a lot of traveling in the past three
     months, and I’ve noticed too how every airport
     is different. My favorite was when they confi-
     scated my water bottle because it was over the
     size limit for liquids. This was after I showed
     them the bottle was empty. They confiscated an
     empty water bottle. I wonder which employee
     needed one of those. Keep up the laughs!

-Alyssa

At least you didn’t have a TSA officer fondling your ham!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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breeze of full-power with ease.

Powerful high RPM motor runs quietly while providing
superior airflow of fans twice the size. But don’t worry…
it has finger safe blades. Measures: 5″ x 7″ x 4.5″.

***

When I was a kid I said I wanted to be a comedian when I
grew up. Everyone just laughed at me!

***

After a day full of accidents and mistakes, my coworker had
had it. “Why,” she cried out in exasperation, “do things
that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!”

***

“I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I’m one
of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.”
-Mel Brooks

[I can sympathize.]

———————————————————————————————-
…….. “Oh, My Aching Back” ……..

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———————————————————————————————-

The teacher in an adult Sabbath class asked a woman to read
about the Israelites wandering in the desert.

“The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to
eat!’” she began. “Now the Lord will give you meat. You will
not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or
twenty days, but for a month – until you loathe it.”

When the woman finished she paused, looked up and said, “Hey,
isn’t that the Atkins diet?”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to
cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.

Later the sergeant reports to the chief. “Sorry Sir, but
they got away.”

The chief very angry says, “I told you to cover all of the
exits!”

“I did,” replied the sergeant, “but they got away through
the entrance.”

I do the jokes around here.

editor — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:00:35 +0000

Good morning crew,

     Hey, Joe: before you complain about people only
   buying you scotch for Christmas remember this -
   it’s not the gifts that count, but rather the
   spirits in which they’re given. Bottom’s up.
      -harry

Thanks Harry, but I do the jokes around here!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“The U.S. Army just said that it has managed to increase
recruitment by allowing fatter people to enlist. In fact,
several new recruits have volunteered for a daring raid
on a refrigerator.” -Conan O’Brien

***
“An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past
eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford
university and living in their dorms, even though she was
not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight
months. Hey, that’s nothing. I pretended to be a student
for four years!” -Jay Leno

***

“Barack Obama’s kids started school in a very exclusive
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kin and sage soup’ and ‘roasted butternut squash.’ While
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I was looking over their wine list, and it was very
reasonably priced.” -Jimmy Kimmel

———————————————————————————————-
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———————————————————————————————-

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of
financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to
see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized
our marriage. “With this ring…” I began romantically.

“We could pay off the Visa,” he responded.

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

Bob hadn’t been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked
into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over
in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in
greeting, saying, “You look like Helen Brown.”

“Well,” the woman snapped back, “you don’t look so great in
blue, either!”