Clean Laffs » Payday

I’ll be swimming in disposable cash.

editor — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:00:46 +0000

Good morning crew,

Today’s payday, baby. Ka-ching! All I have to do is make
a truck payment, a boat payment, an insurance payment, a
credit card payment and a utility payment…and then I’ll
be swimming in, oh, upwards of fifty bucks in cold, hard
disposable cash. The first round’s on me!

Then tomorrow is the company picnic, which means I’ll have
to stop at the store and pick up a snack or dessert or
something to bring. On second thought, I don’t think I’ll
buy that first round.

I’ll let you know if anything exciting happens next week.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Not many people know this, but the word barbeque is
actually a Norwegian word that means ‘I love you.’ That’s
not true, but if it were true, wouldn’t it be awesome?”
-Craig Ferguson

***

“Nissan announced that they’ve developed a new car that
gets 367 miles per gallon. It’s called the Nissan Fred
Flintstone.” -Conan O’Brien

***

“In Florida an 87-year-old grandmother was bitten by a
rattlesnake. Then she killed the snake with her bare hands.
Even PETA said, ‘Make yourself a belt out of it, lady!’”
–Jimmy Fallon

————————————————————————————-
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————————————————————————————-

Anyone who’s ever ridden in a cab in Rome, Italy, knows
they’re some of the world’s most brazen drivers. Oddly
enough though, their current accident rate isn’t all that
bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that.

“Easy,” he said. “All the bad drivers are dead.”

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

The little boy’s grandfather had taken him for a trip to the
zoo and an ice cream. When he came home his mother asked,
“Did you thank your grandfather for taking you to the zoo and
buying you ice cream?”

The boy didn’t answer.

She asked again, “I said, did you thank Granddad for taking
you to the zoo and buying you ice cream?”

Still no answer.

“You answer me, young man! DID YOU THANK YOUR GRANDFATHER?!?”

“Yes,” the boy said at last.

“Well, why didn’t you say so?”

“Because he told me not to mention it!’”

******************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Trapped in a vicious cycle.

editor — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:00:16 +0000

Good morning crew,

It’s bill time again, or as some people call it…payday.
I shouldn’t complain too much about my bills. Sure, I
don’t have much money, but I did just pay off my TV which
I bought last November and I now owe less than three large
on my credit card.

So with every paycheck I come that much closer to living
within my means…until, of course, the next emergency
comes up that requires me to dip into my savings or go to
my credit card.

For example; the Renaissance Faire is coming up, and Lord
knows what kind of emergency expenses that will involve.
Plus, I am trying to pencil some plans for a long weekend
to Lake Geneva (Wisconsin, not Switzerland).

You see how easy it is to get trapped in a vicious cycle?

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he
says to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a
vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug.”

“OK,” says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

***

“The first thing I did after being hired as the director of
learning technology at a high school was to change the sign
outside my door — the one that had my name followed by the
acronym D.O.L.T.”

***

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were
looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

———————————————————————————————–
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———————————————————————————————–

My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion:
In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on
our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.

“Who would you pick to portray you?” she asked me.

I thought about it for a minute, then answered, “Dennis
Quaid.”

“In that case,” she said, “I’ll play myself.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make
anyone nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood
by going around the room asking where all the guests were
from. “Burnt Mattress, Arkansas,” called out the friend
sitting next to me.

“Burnt Mattress!” said the instructor, suppressing a laugh.
“I’ve heard some unusual town names before, but never that
one. Where’s it located?”

My friend shot back, “Right above Hot Springs.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

School spirit.

editor — Fri, 15 May 2009 13:00:48 +0000

Good morning crew,

Hot dog and boy howdy! It’s payday. Which is good timing
for me. I went out last night after the gym and blew my
last remaining few bucks on beer and pizza. I wasn’t going
to, but there was a promotion test and all of the regulars
were in a mood to celebrate. I felt it incumbent upon me
to show school spirit.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but I had all the wrong traits.
They were looking for kids who were trustworthy, loyal,
helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful,
thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. Whereas I tended to
be devious, fickle, obstructive, hostile, impolite, mean,
defiant, glum, extravagant, dirty, and sacrilegious.”
–George Carlin

***

“When I was a kid getting to borrow the car was a big deal.
Before he handed over the keys, my dad always gave me a
lecture. ‘Now I’m not giving you this car so you can screw
it up.’ Well, I said to myself, then I don’t want it.”
–Louie Anderson

***

“You can’t believe how much hard work it is to con people
into thinking that you’re productive when you’re unemployed.
Always thinking up things to tell them you’re going to do
tomorrow, having to exaggerate every minute of your nowhere
day…it’s worse than having a job. At least when you’re
employed, when people ask about your day you can tell them
to shut up and mind their own business.” –Drew Carey

———————————————————————————————–
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———————————————————————————————–

A preacher of the old school was describing the events of
Judgement Day and, of course, he used Biblical phraseology
whenever he could.

“Oh, my friends,” he intoned, “imagine the suffering of the
sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness,
removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal
flames. My friends, at such a time there will be weeping,
wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!”

At this point, one of the elders of the congregation inter-
rupted to say, “But Reverend, what if one of those hopeless
sinners has no teeth?”

The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, “My friends,
the Lord is not put out by details. Rest assured… teeth
will be provided!”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

As the woman was instructing the new maid on the great care
required in handling certain valuable household objects. She
pointed to the dining room and said with great satisfaction,
“That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth.”

“Oh, that’s nothing,” the maid interjected. “My whole living-
room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth.”

I have a plan.

editor — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:00:56 +0000

Good morning crew,

Payday! Thank goodness. Every two weeks I do a little budget
and after paying all my bills I see how much cash I have
left over for beer, entertainment and food. This pay period
is going to be a little tight. But I have a plan.

After work I am going to buy fifty dollars worth of instant
lottery tickets.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“The House of Representatives rejected the $700 billion
bailout. Those who voted no were actually evenly divided
among parties. It’s heartening to see Congress put aside
party differences to come together to not get anything
done.” -Jimmy Kimmel

***

“A new government study has found that the average American
car weighs five-hundred pounds more than it did ten years
ago. However, this is only true if an average American is
sitting in the car.” –Conan O’Brien

***

“The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass
Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there’s a huge
difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas,
people gamble with their own money.” –Jay Leno

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————————————————————

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the
question.

“Will you marry me, darling?” he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, “Yes, if you’ll buy me a mink.”

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, “Okay, it’s a
deal, on one condition.”

“What is that?” Lisa asked.

“You’ll have to clean the cage,” Kurt replied.

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s
something wrong with her password.

“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just
shows stars,” she says.

“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk tech-
nician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you,
they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”

“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no
one standing behind me.”