It feels weird doesn’t it?

editor — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 13:00:05 +0000

Good morning crew,

Welcome to 2009! Feels weird doesn’t it? It does to me any-
way. Although apparently a lot of people could care less.

Just last night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station
mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When
I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew
was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

“How old is the coffee you have here?” I asked the woman who
was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve only been working here two
weeks.”

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“You all have a nice holiday? How many still have their
Christmas tree up? How many still have a rotting pumpkin
on their porch?” –Jay Leno

***

“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”
–Bill Vaughan

***

“I do think New Year’s resolutions can’t technically be ex-
pected to begin on New Year’s Day, don’t you? Since, because
it’s an extension of New Year’s Eve, smokers are already on
a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the
stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in the system. Also
dieting on New Year’s Day isn’t a good idea as you can’t eat
rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is
necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover.
I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began
generally on January the second.”
–Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary

———————————————————————————————-
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[Following are some very funny spelling bloopers caught in
local newspapers, publications and various emails. See if
you can catch the goofs.]

1. “…an autopsy to determine if the elderly man lost
courteousness for medical reasons.” (Trenton, N.J.)

2. “[An NBA coach] will take charge of a young team still in
the throws of a roster overhaul.” (Vernon, Conn.)

3. “‘It’s pretty exciting,’ according to his material grand-
mother.” (Potsdam, N.Y.)

4. “The MCCC fight team won 21 out of 32 awards and brought
home nine metals.” Including the gold? (Trenton, N.J.)

5. “McNabb…exasperated the injury attempting to chase down
Dallas Cowboys safety Roy Williams.” (Trenton, N.J.)

6. “Boxer Pups AKC, 1M, 1F, Bread for Health and
Temperament.” (e-mail)

7. “[Paris Hilton] was probably going through cocaine
withdrawls.” Is she from the South? (Sunnyvale, Calif.)

8. “Our lunch menu [includes] a variety of hot entrees and
tempting deserts.” Presumably also hot. (Upper Saint Clair,
Pa.)

9. “Vincent was a brawny Swiss ex-patriot.” (San Jose,
Calif.)

10. “…those who acquaint shopping with charity.”
(Simsbury, Conn.)

—-

Corrections: 1. consciousness 2. throes 3. maternal 4. medals
5. exacerbated 6. bred 7. withdrawals 8. desserts 9. expatriate
10. equate

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

The government will be requiring new food labels that are
more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low
fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

And now, the end is near…

editor — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 13:00:40 +0000

Good morning crew,

Okay, remember, folks. We’re taking tomorrow and Thursday
off, so you won’t receive your Clean Laffs on those days.
I will, however, be back on Friday, so don’t forget to look
for me then!

Have a fun and safe holiday and I’ll talk to you next year!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good
resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them
as usual.” -Mark Twain

***

“New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless,
of course, those tests come back positive” -Jay Leno

***

“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank
where they have no account.” -Oscar Wilde

———————————————————————————————-
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———————————————————————————————-

One morning while a locksmith had come to change the locks
in my house, I realized I had to run a few errands. I turned
to him, a sweet older man, and said I was heading out. As I
got to the front door, I noticed my sad-faced dog staring at
me from the living room. “I love you, sweet boy,” I said.
“Now you be good. Okay?”

From the other room I heard a voice answer, “Okay.”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

This fellow’s wife was constantly nagging him to teach her
to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they
go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband
steps up first and says, “Now watch me, and do the same
thing.” He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with
about 30 feet to the cup.

The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off
a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and
drops into the cup. The husband looks at this, and says, “OK,
now you know how to play, let’s go home.”

Clean Laffs » New Year

It feels weird doesn’t it?

And now, the end is near…