Clean Laffs » Money

I’ll be swimming in disposable cash.

editor — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:00:46 +0000

Good morning crew,

Today’s payday, baby. Ka-ching! All I have to do is make
a truck payment, a boat payment, an insurance payment, a
credit card payment and a utility payment…and then I’ll
be swimming in, oh, upwards of fifty bucks in cold, hard
disposable cash. The first round’s on me!

Then tomorrow is the company picnic, which means I’ll have
to stop at the store and pick up a snack or dessert or
something to bring. On second thought, I don’t think I’ll
buy that first round.

I’ll let you know if anything exciting happens next week.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Not many people know this, but the word barbeque is
actually a Norwegian word that means ‘I love you.’ That’s
not true, but if it were true, wouldn’t it be awesome?”
-Craig Ferguson

***

“Nissan announced that they’ve developed a new car that
gets 367 miles per gallon. It’s called the Nissan Fred
Flintstone.” -Conan O’Brien

***

“In Florida an 87-year-old grandmother was bitten by a
rattlesnake. Then she killed the snake with her bare hands.
Even PETA said, ‘Make yourself a belt out of it, lady!’”
–Jimmy Fallon

————————————————————————————-
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————————————————————————————-

Anyone who’s ever ridden in a cab in Rome, Italy, knows
they’re some of the world’s most brazen drivers. Oddly
enough though, their current accident rate isn’t all that
bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that.

“Easy,” he said. “All the bad drivers are dead.”

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

The little boy’s grandfather had taken him for a trip to the
zoo and an ice cream. When he came home his mother asked,
“Did you thank your grandfather for taking you to the zoo and
buying you ice cream?”

The boy didn’t answer.

She asked again, “I said, did you thank Granddad for taking
you to the zoo and buying you ice cream?”

Still no answer.

“You answer me, young man! DID YOU THANK YOUR GRANDFATHER?!?”

“Yes,” the boy said at last.

“Well, why didn’t you say so?”

“Because he told me not to mention it!’”

******************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

An annoying habit I could do without.

editor — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 13:00:16 +0000

Good morning crew,

Payday was Friday. The mortgage company will be glad to know
that. I won’t be doing much with myself over the next week
or two. I put a lot of what we did in Lake Geneva on the
credit card and I have to pay that down! I’m close to paying
it off and I don’t want my balance to start creeping up
again. It has an annoying habit of doing that if I don’t
pay attention to it!

I’ll fill you in on the rest of the weekend tomorrow.

Welcome to August. Five unofficial weeks of summer left!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and
came into our insurance office to file a disability claim.
As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under
“Reason unable to work,” she wrote: “Can’t stand to cook.”

***

“Mattel is releasing a new “Teacher” Barbie next week.
Apparently, it’s just like Malibu Barbie–only she can’t
afford the Corvette.” -Stephanie Miller

***

“The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty
training. Which I think is important, because when we want
to potty-train the baby we should set a good example.”
–Howie Mandel

———————————————————————-
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———————————————————————-

My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard
Cutter. When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship,
he was impressed by the neatness of all decks.

However, when Bob went to Michelle’s house with her, he
couldn’t believe the disorganization. “Why is everything
in its place on your ship,” he asked, “but your house is
such a mess?”

“My house,” Michelle said, “does not take 30-degree rolls.”

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful
examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to
choke a horse.

“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.
He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down
his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his
throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Ok, after
the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes.”

************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I’m an abject failure.

editor — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 13:00:09 +0000

Monday, July 20, 2009

Good morning crew,

Remember how last week I said my plan for the weekend was
to not spend money?

I failed.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Today is the 40th anniversary of the Apollo moon mission.
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***

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***

“California has no money. Our budget situation is a mess.
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The 6 a.m. regulars at the dog run are, not surprisingly,
a pet-oriented group. Recently John started discussing
his trip. “The flight was awful! We were delayed for a few
hours, and when we finally boarded, the baby behind me
didn’t stop crying for the whole flight.”

Another dog run regular turned to him in surprise: “What
did the owner do?”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race
started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It
was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making
fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”

I replied: “You really want to know?”

Then I dropped out of the race.

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Trapped in a vicious cycle.

editor — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:00:16 +0000

Good morning crew,

It’s bill time again, or as some people call it…payday.
I shouldn’t complain too much about my bills. Sure, I
don’t have much money, but I did just pay off my TV which
I bought last November and I now owe less than three large
on my credit card.

So with every paycheck I come that much closer to living
within my means…until, of course, the next emergency
comes up that requires me to dip into my savings or go to
my credit card.

For example; the Renaissance Faire is coming up, and Lord
knows what kind of emergency expenses that will involve.
Plus, I am trying to pencil some plans for a long weekend
to Lake Geneva (Wisconsin, not Switzerland).

You see how easy it is to get trapped in a vicious cycle?

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he
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“OK,” says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

***

“The first thing I did after being hired as the director of
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***

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
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My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion:
In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on
our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.

“Who would you pick to portray you?” she asked me.

I thought about it for a minute, then answered, “Dennis
Quaid.”

“In that case,” she said, “I’ll play myself.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make
anyone nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood
by going around the room asking where all the guests were
from. “Burnt Mattress, Arkansas,” called out the friend
sitting next to me.

“Burnt Mattress!” said the instructor, suppressing a laugh.
“I’ve heard some unusual town names before, but never that
one. Where’s it located?”

My friend shot back, “Right above Hot Springs.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Take the money and run.

editor — Tue, 19 May 2009 13:00:45 +0000

Good morning crew,

My girlfriend talked me into going to a casino on Saturday.
Not that I’m rolling cigarettes with $20 bills, but I did
get paid on Friday, so I acquiesced to dedicating a few
hundred bucks to the day’s entertainment.

We didn’t spend the entire afternoon together, since we
enjoy playing different games, so we hooked up later in
the bar to compare notes.

She bummed a drink from me and confessed that she had blown
her entire wad. I had dumped two of my three hundred dollars,
but was then able to win a hundred back. So I was really only
a hundred down.

The g.f. had a difficult time wrapping herself around this
idea.

“If you brought three hundred dollars to gamble,” she asked,
“why are you quitting when you still have two hundred left?”

“Because I was down two hundred, but I was able to cut my
losses in half. So I’m going to take the money and run!”

“But you’re still a hundred down! You could win it all back.”

“Or I could lose it all. You have to know when to quit.”

We argued about it amiably for a while until we finished our
drinks and left.

On the drive home she turned to me and asked, “Hey, do you
want to stop and grab something for dinner?”

“No, no,” I said patting the roll in my shirt pocket. “It
would be impolite for me to eat in front of you when you
can’t afford to pay for a meal.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Today is Thursday. Or what I like to call on Friday,
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***

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***

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———————————————————————————————–

I was in my ninth month of pregnancy and feeling very uncom-
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to go unnoticed by my husband.

One day I told him, “I hope in your next life you get to be
pregnant!”

He replied, “I hope in your next life you get to be married
to someone who’s pregnant!”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

Although desperate to find work, I passed up a job I found on
an employment website. It was for a wastewater plant operator.
Among the job requirements: “Must be able to swim.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Not that I didn’t put in my best effort!

editor — Mon, 18 May 2009 13:00:32 +0000

Good morning crew,

Well, it was a successful weekend…I still have some money
left. Not that I didn’t put in my best effort at going
completely broke in two days.

Welcome to a new week!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

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***

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***

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———————————————————————————————–

A father is in church with three of his young children, in-
cluding his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the
children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing
the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl
was taken by this, observing that he was saying something
and pouring water over the infant’s head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned
to her father and asked with all the innocence of a five
year old…

“Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

“What kind of music do you sing?”

“Aqua-pella.”

“Don’t you mean ‘a cappella’, singing without instrumental
accompaniment?”

“Nope. I mean ‘aqua-pella’, singing accompanied only by the
water coming out of the shower-head.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

It was an expensive weekend.

editor — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:00:45 +0000

Good morning crew,

It was an expensive weekend. I had to pay for my promotion
test at the school (which I’ll tell you about later) and
then I went out for dinner and drinks and blew an inordinate
chunk of my tax refund. Plus, I went shopping for new sky-
lights and you’d think those things were made out of gold
leaf and Swarovski crystal!

Anyway, it doesn’t look like the refund is going to last
as long as I hoped. It looks like I’m going to have to go
back to hanging out at the grammar schools and beating up
little kids for their lunch money.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“My father spent the last 20 years of his life writing
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***

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***

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MAGIC PEN & CALCULATOR TUBE
———————————————————————————————-

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old
son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

“Hey Dad, announced Billy, “have you met the new neighbors?”

“No.”

“Come on Dad, you have to meet them.”

“Some other time; I’m busy.”

“Dad, you have to meet them now.”

From the urgency in Billy’s voice, I assumed the neighbors
were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the
front of the house. No one was there.

“Where are they?” I asked.

“Well, Dad,” he explained, “we haven’t met them yet either,
but our baseball is in their living room!”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, “You know,
honey, I think there might be some real merit to what this
article says, that the intelligence of a father often proves
a stumbling block to the son.”

“Well, thank heaven,” said the wife, “at least our James has
nothing standing in his way.”

What would I do with money?

editor — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 13:00:51 +0000

Good morning crew,

I can never seem to get ahead any more. I thought I had this
month all budgeted out with a little left over…and then I
got the renewal for the motorcycle license plate and the new
boat insurance premium payment.

Ah, who am I kidding? What would I do with money? Eat? It’s
probably better for the state and the insurance companies to
have it.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

EMERGENCY RADIO & FLASHLIGHT by Nikai
Be Prepared for Any Emergency…

List Price: $49.99
YOUR PRICE: $12.99
Get Two Part for $19.98

In light of recent emergencies throughout the country, it’s
prudent to keep an emergency radio handy for when you need
it most.

Having a wind-up Radio around can be useful for the following
reason… if you’re in the middle of a disaster, you NEED to
find out everything about the situation!

Tune in AM and FM. No need to worry about dead batteries: This
amazing portable radio can be powered by batteries, an AC adapter
(not included), or BEST OF ALL by hand cranking the built in
dynamo generator.

Wrist strap. Also has a jacks for a 4.5v DC adapter and an
Earphone as well as a 5v DC OUT jack for powering a cell phone
if you’re handy enough to put together a cable yourself (none
is included).

The Flashlight is a Super Bright LED no bulb to ever burn out.
If you’re having an Emergency you can also set of a piercing
Siren… GREAT for having in your car.

To get more info or order, visit:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14397/c/120/a/505
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14397/c/120/a/505“>
EMERGENCY RADIO & FLASHLIGHT by Nikai

***

“I think vests are all about protection. The life vest pro-
tects you from drowning, and the bullet-proof vest protects
you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you
from pretty girls.” -Demetri Martin

***

“I went to the doctor and all he did was suck blood from my
neck. Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!” -Mitch Hedberg

***

“Women now have choices. They can be married, not married,
have a job, not have a job, be married with children, un-
married with children. Men have the same choice we’ve
always had: work or prison.” -Tim Allen

———————————————————————————————-
STOR-POD PROTECTIVE STORAGE UNIT
The In-Home Storage Solution…

List Price: $59.99
YOUR PRICE: $29.99
Get Two Part for $49.98

Most people under-utilized the storage space in their attics,
basements, and self-storage units because of the risk of damage
over the long-run. Tarps are flimsy, and plastic tubs don’t work
for large or bulky items. What you need is a sturdy yet portable
storage unit that will keep the dust, dirt, and insects out.

Made of reinforced polyethylene with heavy-duty hardware and
zippers, these storage “pods” are a great way to maximize space
while protecting against dust, moisture, insects, and other
issues that make seasonal and long-term storage difficult.

The unique “ez grabber” strap system easily attaches to ceiling
rafters, allowing the storage unit to both sit on the floor and
stand upright. The straps also insure that the pod will stay
securely in place as you move items in and out.

Great for basements, attics and self-storage units… and each
pod is backed by a limited 5-year warranty against manufacturer
defects. SIZE: 26 cubic ft. — 32″D x 36″W x 48″H VISIT:
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Stor-Pod Protective Storage Unit
———————————————————————————————-

“Hello Mrs. Miller,” said the bearded guy behind the counter
at the bagel shop.

My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks.
“I’m sorry, do we know each other?” I asked.

“Yeah, you was my English teacher.”

Leaning over, my husband whispered, “Good job, Honey, good
job.”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside
himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming
in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man
maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect
and that he wouldn’t play it as written.

When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he
kicked the young musician out of the band, he replied, “It
was a simple case of cymbal disobedience.”

Money isn’t everything.

editor — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 13:06:42 +0000

Good morning crew,

Welcome to a whole new work week. Oh, the possibilities!
Who knows? This could be your week. You could meet the
person of your dreams, or win the lottery! Or maybe a rich
family member will die and leave you a big chunk of money!

Not that I’m wishing any ill-will on your family. I mean,
I hope everyone in your life is doing splendidly. Unless,
of course, it was some distant, mean, old miser that you
really didn’t know and who nobody liked anyway. If that
person were, say, not doing so well it would be more con-
venient for you if he or she had a good bit put aside and
was going to leave some of it to you.

Not to say that you wouldn’t feel any grief. Because that
would make YOU a mean, old miser and I know THAT isn’t true!
But getting a nice little check in the mail is better than
nothing at all.

Of course, money isn’t everything.

You know what? I think I’ll just wrap this up here and get
on with the jokes before I write something really stupid.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

MAGIC PEN & CALCULATOR TUBE…
You’ll spend hours trying to figure out how it works!

Normal Price: $5.99
DEAL PRICE: $3.49
SAVE EVEN MORE: Get Two for $5.98

This Calculator Pen Set is designed with a Magic case that can
be opened and closed by one way rolling. It is a wonderful
Gadget Gift and is also a practical Stationery Set. It’s compact
size is quite suitable for all mobile users as you can put it
in the pocket or small handbag.

* 8 digits Calculator
* AG8 button Cell Battery 1pc is included
* A metal pen for handy writing

***

“The other week I went to see my doctor … I was in the
waiting room, and I decided to pass the time finishing a
novel. But the other patients complained about the noise of
the typewriter.” –Arthur Brown

***

“One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a
wooden stake.” –Jack Handey

***

“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in
the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was
‘Woman’.” –Steven Wright

————————————————————
FULL SIZE (3′ x 5′) AMERICAN FLAG

Normal Price: $19.99
LIQUIDATION SPECIAL: $4.99

We are pleased to announce that we have found Full-Size 3′x5′
American flags available at liquidation prices… never sold
before at these low prices.

Made of durable polyester with two (2) metal grommets perfect
for displaying.

Its a great time to stock up AND pick up a couple for gifts,
but there is a LIMIT of 8 per order. NO DEALERS PLEASE…
VISIT: http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/353ds6
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/353ds6“>
Liquidation Special – USA Flags
————————————————————

I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually
barreled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video
we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.

“How does this work?” she asked, handing me a check. “Do I
just have him watch this?”

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where
my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in
at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard
security questions. “Has anyone given you any packages that
you didn’t pack yourself?” he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to
take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked: “Does she like you?”