Clean Laffs » Martial Arts

I was a tourist last night.

editor — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 13:13:55 +0000

Good morning crew,

I was a tourist last night. Recently a new aikido dojo opened
up down the street from my school, so I called them up and
arranged to attend a free introductory class.

I studied aikido years and years ago and was curious to see
how I would fit in after having spent so much time focusing
on hapkido.

The answer is…pretty well. Hapkido and aikido are very
similar. The techniques are mostly the same, a lot of the
difference comes in the interpretation.

The big difference was in the class atmosphere. At my school
the class approach is militaristic, for lack of a better
word. Well, it is ‘martial’ arts, after all.

But in this new school everything was much more relaxed and
casual, and I have to admit I was uncomfortable with it. I
like a little more structure.

The hardest thing to do was to act and think like a student
again. Of course, we are all students our entire lives, but
I’m just not used to teenage yellow belts telling me I’m
doing a technique wrong.

I guess it’s good for the humility. It took a lot of patience
not to drop him!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

Color Your Own Backpack
Create The Most Awesome School Bag Ever…

Normal Price: $29.99
DEAL PRICE: $19.99

There has never been a more unique and creative backpack. It’s
a backpack that will actually become a keepsake! Imagine your
child coloring their own backpack and then using it! They’ll
never be another one out there like theirs!

It’s the perfect travel or rainy day activity too. The durable
canvas coloring area features large areas to color in, making
it easy for everyone!

School Bag Measures: H: 16″ W: 12″ D: 71/2″. Recommended for
Ages 7 and over.

INCLUDES:
- Pink Backpack (SORRY IT IS ONLY AVAILABLE IN PINK)
- Eight (8) Colorful Markers

Grab one of these for the child in your life. It’s a great
way to get them excited for going to school.
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14552/c/120/a/%%merge lists_.nalt3_%%

Color Your Own Backpack: Create The Most Awesome School Bag…

***

“At his concert in Washington, D.C. this weekend, Paul
McCartney dedicated the song ‘Michelle’ to Michelle Obama.
Then he dedicated ‘Tax Man’ to President Obama, and ‘I Am
The Walrus’ to Kevin Federline.” -Jimmy Fallon

***

“Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is on vacation. And
today he was photographed on horseback without his shirt.
The photograph won’t appear in the newspaper, but it will
appear on the cover of Danielle Steele’s new novel ‘Iron
Fist, Velvet Heart.’” –Conan O’Brien

***

“It’s a great day for our former President Bill Clinton. He
went to North Korea and negotiated the release of two female
journalists. He did it! Clinton agreed to go as soon as he
found out the mission was picking up chicks.” -Craig Ferguson

—————————————————————————
STRAP GENIE BRA CLIPS – More Than 1/2 Off The TV Price
The Ultimate in Support, Comfort & Confidence…

List Price: $14.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99

The Strap Genie is the ultimate bra solution. This 4-pack
conceals your bra straps with a tiny comfortable attachment
that works by hugging any two bra straps together at the middle
of your shoulder blades.

Finally you can wear racerback tops, sports tops, tank tops and
criss-cross blouses without worrying about your bra straps showing.
In addition, the Strap Genie works to boost comfort in any bra.

Set Includes (4 Strap Attachments):
- Two (2) Clear – One (1) Cream – One (1) Black

No more constantly tugging and pulling up your bra straps. Enjoy
the freedom these can bring… You’ll love them and the special
price. Grab a box while you can. VISIT:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14472/c/120/a/%%merge lists_.nalt3_%%

STRAP GENIE BRA CLIPS – Less Than 1/2 Off The TV Price
—————————————————————————

I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On
Friday afternoon he called and said that he didn’t think it
was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends.

So I hung up and called him back. He said, “Hello?”

I said, “Hey, friend, it’s me. Want to hear what this jerk I
was supposed to go out with just did?”

*—————— Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————-*

When hiring new staff at her public library, my daughter
always asks applicants what sort of supervision they’d be
most comfortable with.

One genius answered, “I’ve always thought Superman’s X-ray
vision would be cool.”

****************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Tomorrow is the big finale.

editor — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 13:00:49 +0000

Good morning crew,

Tomorrow is the last part of the black belt test..the
technique portion. Compared to Monday night this should
be no problem. I’m STILL sore from Monday!

But still, I need to take it easy tonight. I’m going to
make my best effort to be home by midnight…one o’clock
at the latest.

I’ll fill you in on the details next week. Enjoy your
weekend!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

FOREVER BAGS – Package of 16…

Normal Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99
Get Two Packages (32 Bags) for $9.98

Tired of throwing out rotten food? Forever Bags prolong the life
of your fruits, vegetables and cut flowers without the use of
chemicals. Stock up on produce without worrying about rapid
spoilage or extend the life of your homegrown fruits & veggies.

HOW FOREVER BAGS WORK:
Fruits, vegetables and flowers release ethylene gas while
ripening after harvesting or picking. Ethylene gas accelerates
ripening, aging and rotting. Forever Bags absorb and remove this
damaging gas, dramatically extending the life of fruits,
vegetables and flowers.

FEATURES:
- You get 16 Forever Bags (8 – 9″ x 15″, 8 – 12″ x 17″)
- Save Money… Waste Less Produce
- Reusable up to 20 Times
- Keep Produce Fresh Approx. 30 Day
- Reduce Vitamin Loss by 50%

It does all that with NO CHEMICALS! Get one package of 16 Forever
Bags for $5.99 or pick up two packages (32 Forever Bags) for $9.98.
Yep… you’re getting two for the normal price of one. VISIT:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14363/c/120/a/505
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14363/c/120/a/505“>
FOREVER BAGS – Package of 16…

***

“I love those signs along the highway that say, ‘Litter
Removal Next 2 Miles.’ That’s when I start chucking my
trash out the window.” –Scott Wood

***

“The sure way to tell if a man is a bachelor is to check
his silverware. If it’s chewed up from going through the
garbage disposal a few times, he’s for real.”
–Nick Arnette

***

“I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, ‘Did you
know it’s time for your annual check-up?’ No. But now my
postman does.” –Cathy Ladman
———————————————————————————————–
Eco-Friendly 5-Piece Aluminum Water Bottle Set
Kick The Plastic Habit…

List Price: $24.99
DEAL PRICE: $12.99
Get Two Kits for $19.98

These Eco-Friendly aluminum sport bottles are perfect for
Cycling, Camping, Hiking, and Outdoor Sports.

Be healthy and go green with these light-weight bottles that
are durable, leak proof and can handle both hot and cold drinks.
Not only is it healthier for you and your family to not use
plastic, it will save you money. Give up bottled water and
you’ll save hundreds (maybe more) of dollars a year.

Each set contains:
- (1) 25.5oz bottle
- (1) 17oz bottle
- (2) Color coded carabineers attach to bottles (makes carrying
easier)
- (1) Nylon Carry Bag

Either bottle keeps drinks hot or cold so you can carry along
whatever you like. They are leak proof and extra light. Weighs
no more than a plastic water bottle.

And remember you get the BONUS Nylon Carry Bag. You won’t find
a better deal. One 5-pc kit for $12.99 or get two 5-pc kits for
$19.98.
Visit: http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14499/c/120/a/505
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14499/c/120/a/505“>
Eco-Friendly 5-Piece Aluminum Water Bottle Set
———————————————————————————————–

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion
to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received
it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.
Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the
part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his
mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with
a letter containing just four words: “TURN THE PART OVER.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, “Son, when
you grow up, you can marry any girl you please.”

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I
could not please any of them.

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

It would only be just deserts.

editor — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 13:00:13 +0000

Good morning crew,

Tonight is part one of the black belt test, folks (last
night from your perspective). This is the endurance portion
of the test which consists of two hours of random torture.

Despite having gone through it twice before I still feel a
little nervous. Who knows what kind of deviltry the masters
have cooked up. But what’s the worst that can happen? I get
humiliated and made to cry like a little girl?

It would only be just deserts considering how many actual
little girls I have made cry while helping to administer
this exact same test over the previous years.

I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

150 EPISODES OF CLASSIC SCI-FI TV on 12 DVDs
You Won’t Find A Better Collection Of Rare Sci-Fi Stuff…

List Price: $79.99
DEAL PRICE: $24.99
That’s less than 18 cents an episode…

Once in a while an offer comes around that is so good you
just have to jump right away to get it. This is one of
those offers. If you have fond memories of growing up with
Flash Gordon, One Step Beyond, Rocky Jones… even Captain
Z-Ro, then take the opportunity to order this now!

:::: SUPER VALUE – Under $.18 per episode ::::

These have been re-mastered and vary in quality, but ALL are
extremely watchable. You have an opportunity to recapture
those nostalgic feelings of when you first saw them.

This collection was put together with loving care. The 16
episodes of One Step Beyond are worth the entire price by
themselves. This makes one of the best gifts you could ever
get a Sci-Fi Fan.

To order or see the entire listing of programs included, visit:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14502/c/120/a/505
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14502/c/120/a/505“>
150 EPISODES OF CLASSIC SCI-FI TV on 12 DVDs

***

“GM just announced that they will stop manufacturing the
Pontiac Vibe in August. The reason? Bad Vibes.” -Jimmy Fallon

***

“Scientists say they’ve found a new link between depression
and obesity. Not surprisingly it’s a sausage link.”
-Conan O’Brien

***

“I think vests are all about protection. The life vest pro-
tects you from drowning, and the bullet-proof vest protects
you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you
from pretty girls.” -Demetri Martin

———————————————————————————————–
Laptop Holder by FineLife
Sturdy, Stable, & Durable…

Normal Price: $24.99
DEAL PRICE: $9.99

With this Laptop Holder by FineLife you’ll experience better
and more comfortable usage of your laptop. Slightly elevate
your laptop to get that correct angle. With up to seven points
of tilting or angle, adjust as you feel fit. Improving your
posture will greatly improve your productivity as well.

And because your laptop will slightly be elevated, the free
flow of air below means the holder will help your laptop cool
down just a little. Added performance for your laptop, you
will get.

But what you may love most about it is the rotating base which
is great for presentations and meetings.

FEATURES:
- Adjustable angle, 10 to 16 degrees   – Rotating base
- Compatible with all Laptop sizes     – Heat dispersion effect
- Anti skid material at the base       – Size: 28 cm x 26 cm
- Lightweight but built strong… made of ABS Plastic

Grab your very own Laptop Holder for $9.99… you will love it!
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14507/c/120/a/505
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14507/c/120/a/505“>
Laptop Holder – Sturdy, Stable, & Durable…
———————————————————————————————–

Mixed Metaphors

English professors love to catch the errors students make in
their term papers, and they love nothing better than to catch
mixed metaphors. The “friends and survivors” of Calvin College
English department collected this list of mixed metaphors and
posted them on their web site:

“He swept the rug under the carpet.”
“She’s burning the midnight oil at both ends.”
“It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on
the fire.”
“It’s time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard.”
“She’s robbing Peter to pay the piper.”
“He’s up a tree without a paddle.”
“Beware my friend…you are skating on hot water.”
“Keep your ear to the grindstone.”
“Sometimes you’ve gotta stick your neck out on a limb.”
“Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife
slicing through butter.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location.
“It’s only a stone’s throw away from the beach,” he was
told.

“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.

The reply came back: “It’s the one with all the broken
windows.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Everything almost went off without a hitch.

editor — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 13:00:58 +0000

Good morning crew,

In case anybody was wondering, the promotion test at the
school last week went off without a hitch. Well, without
too many hitches, anyway.

For each rank there are prescribed requirements, skills
and techniques that students need to absorb and then be
able to demonstrate during the test.

But for some reason, the big boss, Master Kim, decided he
didn’t want to test us, me and the other three students in
my rank, on the techniques we had learned for the test. He
wanted to test us on old techniques we had learned for
previous tests.

After standing there with a deer-in-the-headlights look for
about ten seconds I was able to dig the old techniques out
of my memory and demonstrate them.

Oh, and I almost broke the finger of the guy who was holding
a board for me to break. But other than that everything went
off without a hitch!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

EMERGENCY RADIO & FLASHLIGHT by Nikai
Be Prepared for Any Emergency…

List Price: $49.99
YOUR PRICE: $12.99
Get Two Part for $19.98

In light of recent emergencies throughout the country, it’s
prudent to keep an emergency radio handy for when you need
it most.

Having a wind-up Radio around can be useful for the following
reason… if you’re in the middle of a disaster, you NEED to
find out everything about the situation!

Tune in AM and FM. No need to worry about dead batteries: This
amazing portable radio can be powered by batteries, an AC adapter
(not included), or BEST OF ALL by hand cranking the built in
dynamo generator.

Wrist strap. Also has a jacks for a 4.5v DC adapter and an
Earphone as well as a 5v DC OUT jack for powering a cell phone
if you’re handy enough to put together a cable yourself (none
is included).

The Flashlight is a Super Bright LED no bulb to ever burn out.
If you’re having an Emergency you can also set of a piercing
Siren… GREAT for having in your car.

To get more info or order, visit:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14397/c/120/a/505
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14397/c/120/a/505“>
EMERGENCY RADIO & FLASHLIGHT by Nikai

***

“A new survey reported that 40 percent of people think it’s
a good idea to get engaged on Valentine’s Day. The other 60
percent were men.” -Conan O’Brien

***

“Valentines Day ads have been on for a month now. ‘Get her
flowers; send her flowers; she really wants flowers. Flowers
or you die.’ Every guy has his own flower strategy, but I
prefer the single red rose. Simple, romantic, easy to steal
from the cemetery.” -Craig Ferguson

***

“I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He
said, ‘For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for
you.’” -Jay Leno

———————————————————————————————-
INFLATABLE TRAVEL POCKET PILLOW

Retail Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $3.99
Get Two Pillows for $5.98

This Inflatable Travel Pocket Pillow is the anytime, anywhere
solution to your on the go relaxation needs.

Fear long car rides and train commutes no more… This simple
yet effective inflatable pillow has two chambers which can be
individually filled with more or less air to produce a firm
supportive pillow or a soft plush pillow. The inflatable
pocket pillow’s second chamber in designed for greater neck
support, it does this by gently elevating the middle portion
of the neck, allowing you head to rest in a proper, well
supported position, eliminating neck pain and discomfort.

Great For Trips… Take this pillow with you on the road in
your car, on the train to work on the bus to the mall or
take it to the beach to support your head on the sand without
ruining your good pillows!.

Best of all use it on an airplane and YOU KNOW it’s sanitary…
no more worrying who used the pillow on the plane before you!

Travel Pocket Pillow is felt covered plastic and is hand
washable. Since it does not hold foreign bodies like sand or
dirt, you are free to use this outdoors too… Get one for
$3.99 or two for $5.98. They really make a wonderful gift.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/vt4rk8
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/vt4rk8“>
INFLATABLE TRAVEL POCKET PILLOW
———————————————————————————————-

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio
they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand
ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum.
The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher
and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion,
and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to
ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked
how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had
been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied.
“I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

First I had to work late. Then I discovered that I’d locked
my keys in the car. But the last straw was learning that
roadside service couldn’t get a locksmith to me for at least
two hours. Finally the guy showed, looking exhausted.

As he struggled with my door, I joked, “Do those Slim Jim
tools come in purse-size?”

“Yeah,” he muttered. “They’re called keys.”

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

The business of martial arts.

editor — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:00:19 +0000

Good morning crew,

      Joe, I enjoy your martial arts exploits, but
    I’m amazed that you have just learned that it
      is a business in the commercial dojos. -Dave

Of course it’s a business. Rent and salaries have to be paid
and the lights have to be kept on. But I think I understand
your meaning…that discipline and certain standards and ex-
pectations have given way to profit.

That is largely true. On many occasions I have had low belts
ask me if I think they will pass testing, and if I am feeling
particularly honest I will tell them that as long as their
check clears they will pass!

That is a slight exaggeration, but the truth is that just like
so many other things in life, you get out of it what you put
into it. If you dodge your training and do the bare minimum
most schools will nurse you through, as long as you’re willing
to keep writing checks, and eventually they will give you a
black belt. In my opinion it is cheaper and quicker to go to
a martial arts supply store and buy one.

But if you are dedicated and determined and put in 100 percent
there are a lot of talented martial arts instructors out there
who will recognize a dedicated student and will give him or
her all the training they can handle.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

PED ORB: The NEW Compact Foot File Set…
Like the Ped Egg, but 1/2 the Price

Retail Price: $9.99
OUR PRICE: $4.99
Get Two for $7.98

By now we’ve all seen the tv commercial countless time on the
Ped Egg. We were lucky to find The Ped Orb which is VERY
similar, but at 1/2 the price.

Gently removes callous and dry skin. for smooth and beautiful
feet. So gentle, it will not even burst a balloon. Safe to the
touch and easy, no mess disposal.

- Gentle micro-files soften & smooth rough callused feet
- Comfortable ergonomic design
- Over 125 Micro-Files Screen
- Easy-to-clean design that collects shavings
- Safe to the touch
- BONUS: Includes two (2) buffing/finishing pads

At these affordable prices you can pick up a few.
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/mm6nx8
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/mm6nx8“>
PED ORB: The Compact Foot File Set…

***

“They’ve just released a study that says in the next 30
years, there is a 97 percent chance that Southern California
will have an earthquake of magnitude 6.7 or greater. And
there’s a 40 percent chance of either being run over or
attacked by Britney Spears. Things are pretty bleak.”
-Jimmy Kimmel

***

“According to a new study, polar bears will probably be ex-
tinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can.”
-Dave Letterman

***

“In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie
would like to have another baby. Angelina denied the story
and said, ‘Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in
the mood for Chinese.’” -Conan O’Brien

———————————————————————————————-
USB Laptop LED Light

Store Price: $7.99
DEAL PRICE: $2.99
Get two for $4.98

This is one of those items that if you have a laptop you’re
going to absolutely love.

This USB LED Light ensures you have enough light to do your
computing when you need it most. Use it on the plane, during
a dimly lit presentation, or in bed.

Great for travelers and students alike, this featherweight
light illuminates your keyboard without distracting others
around you. The USB LED Light plugs directly into any available
USB port so no external power supply is needed.

The flexible neck allows you to arrange the light in any position
you like, yet it is rigid enough to hold its shape.

Use it once and you’ll love it forever. At this price pick up
two for less than the normal cost of one. To get more details,
see a picture or order, visit:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/u31jr8
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/u31jr8“>
USB Laptop LED Light
———————————————————————————————-

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of
Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, “You know,
the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first
man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on
the moon was from Ohio.”

“Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio,”
he observed.

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

I’m dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder
with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal
experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates
my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I’m
tense.

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered
to me, “Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah.”

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

The last time a woman kicked me.

editor — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 13:00:25 +0000

Good morning crew,

Now here’s a story you don’t hear very often…

A martial arts instructor in Suffolk, Virginia has been
arrested for kicking an 11-year-old student more than 200
times, causing internal injuries and possibly breaking a
rib.

Police say 47-year-old Susan Bateman was arrested and
charged with one felony count of child endangerment.

Police said Bateman issued a challenge during class at a
Suffolk dojo to see how many kicks to the abdomen students
could take. Students got into a push-up position while
Bateman kicked, stopping when the student either said to
or went to his or her knees.

The 11-year-old boy and another student took more than 200
kicks as the class counted.

The student didn’t tell his parents until he needed medical
attention.

Ha! It’s a good day when we DON’T get kicked 200 times in
the abdomen in our school. Although it’s never been admin-
istered by a woman.

The last time a woman kicked me it didn’t have anything to
do with martial arts training…and it was a little lower
than the abdomen.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

SET OF 2 COLLAPSIBLE BUCKETS

Retail Price: $19.99
Deal Price: $7.99

Bright 3-gallon buckets twist and fold completely flat for
easy storage in garage, trunk, or beach bag! In durable
polyester with sturdy handle, plastic liner, and zipper close,
they tote fresh-picked veggies or fruit, garden clippings,
potting soil, ice and picnic supplies.

Each, 11″ high x 10 1/2″ diameter.

- Holds Water, Weeds, Potting Soil, Tools & more…
- Great for the Garden, Camping & the Beach
- 3 Gallon Capacity
- Twists & Folds for EASY storage

Set includes one red and one blue. Get one set for $7.99
See them by visiting the site at:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/hq2os0
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/hq2os0“>
SET OF 2 COLLAPSIBLE BUCKETS

***

“A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop
on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual
store. Well of course! There’s no naked women at the stores.”
–Jay Leno

***

“The hunting season in New York has begun. I love hunting
season. And what is more American than accidentally shooting
your drinking buddy?” –Dave Letterman

***

“Boeing announced today that it is postponing delivery of
its new 787 Dreamliner plane until 2010. This means that
for the first time ever, the luggage will arrive at the
same time as the plane.” -Conan O’Brien

———————————————————————————————-
20 LED Flashlight with Case & Keychain

Retail Price: $14.99
DEAL PRICE: $9.99
Get Two Kits for $15.98

What a great kit. It’s everything you need to last a very
long time. This 20 LED Flashlight is the perfect for work,
home, survival or auto purposes.

Plus you’ll get a bonus LED Keychain that will make finding
anything around the car easy. Also great for lighting the
way to your car or door lock.

That’s not all… you also get a nylon case for the 20 LED
Flashlight and YES… the batteries (3 AAA) are included.

FEATURES:
- Value pack includes 3 AAA batteries & Nylon case
- Includes a bonus matching LED key chain
- New LED technology bulbs last up to 100,000 hours
- Compact pocket sized with sturdy machined aluminum body

Grab one, two or three… these make the very best gift. Everyone
loves getting them. And they’ll last a very long time.

Remenber you get one for $9.99 or get two kits for $15.98
Visit: http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/ae11i5
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/ae11i5“>
20 LED Flashlight with Case & Keychain…
———————————————————————————————-

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person
brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were
realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist,
realizing that the conductor did not know what he was
doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a
delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor,
highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra,
demanding, “Who did that? Who did that?”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head.
He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum. The bar-
tender asks, “Why are you wearing a paper towel?”

“Arrr…” says the pirate. “I’ve got a bounty on me head!”

Linda has a question for ‘Karate Korner’

editor — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 13:00:04 +0000

Good morning crew,

     Joe, it seems you have a black-belt test every
     other week. how does this work? you are an
     assistant, and are you also a student? have
     you earned your black belt? i think you study
     hap ki do and another discipline as well? you
     should diagram all of this for your loyal fans
     who have been cheering you on. -thanks, linda

Yes, yes, yes and yes. I have a second degree black belt
in Hapkido and I am working on my third degree. I am also
working on my first degree in Taekwondo (they are both
Korean styles and are both taught at the school).

When a person makes second degree they are considered
an assistant instructor. Third degree is a full instructor.
An instructor, or assistant instructor, means that in ad-
dition to learning and practicing your own stuff you get
to do things like lead warm-ups, teach the low belts basic
techniques and act as a punching bag during tests.

There is a low belt test every two months and a black belt
test three times a year. The reason there are so many
testing dates is because everybody is in the program at
different levels. Not everybody tests every single time.
A student may have to skip two or maybe even three tests
if he or she isn’t ready, but if you’re ready to test you
don’t want to have to wait around six months just for the
next testing date!

Well, these are the nuts and bolts of how things work at
my school. All schools are a little bit different, but
there is always some kind of similar testing schedule.
So I will be assisting during the Hapkido black belt test
this Saturday (getting my butt kicked), and participating
in the Taekwondo low belt test the Thursday after.

Now you can practically open your own martial arts school!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

GREEN TEA ESSENCE MASK…

Retail Price: $5.99
DEAL PRICE: $2.99
Get two for $4.98

For skin lifting and ultra hydration results try the Skinlite
Green Tea Essence Mask. Enriched with Vitamin E & Phyto
Collagen & Green Tea Extract. Simply wear the mask for 15-20
minutes for best results.

These trusted and natural ingredients are used to help fight
wrinkles and achieve a smooth skin and a youthful appearance.
It promotes clear healthy skin and is effective in fighting dry,
itching, flaking and cracking skin.

The hydrating beauty mask’s micro-fine cloth is infused with
natural Green Tea to gently exfoliate & moisturize, revealing
a brighter and refreshed complexion.

Get one for $2.99 or get two for $4.98, please note you can
mix n match with the Cucumber Essence Max. I say, get one or
two of each!

To get more information, a list of ingredients or to order, visit:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/th2au5
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/th2au5“>
GREEN TEA ESSENCE MASK…

***

“You know you’re watching a bad presidential debate when the
topics fall into the categories ‘Domestic policy,’ ‘Foreign
policy’ and ‘Burt Reynolds Films of the ’70s.’”
-Dave Letterman

***

“Wal-Mart announced they’re coming out with their own brand
of wine. Wal-Mart’s wine comes in red or white, as well as
12- or 16-ounce cans.” –Conan O’Brien

***

“During the Democratic debate last week they all talked about
conserving energy. Like keeping the thermostat down in the
winter. Using low energy bulbs. Turning off lights. Using
less gas. It made me realize, my dad was like the first envi-
ronmentalist. He would walk around the house yelling, ‘turn
off those lights! Turn the heat down!’ He was green before
his time.” -Jay Leno

——————————————————————–
** JUMBO Pop-Up Hamper – Save Space and Time **

Here is something you don’t have but NEED. Try this light-
weight hamper that folds down to 6″ and pops up to hold two
full loads of laundry. Ideal for college students, holding
toys, and all the laundry you can fit. The best part is the
nylon construction that makes this light as a feather.

Store it in the closet or in the corner of the room. We
guarantee this will help keep the kids’ rooms tidy. This is
one of the best products we have ever carried and the
lightest hamper you will ever carry. Just $3.99 each, visit:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/aw5mu6
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/aw5mu6“>
Jumbo Pop-Up Hamper
——————————————————————–

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent
trend towards legislation which requires the prominent
placing of warnings on products that present hazards to
the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned,
merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in
this important area. This is especially true in light of
the findings of 20th century quantum physics.

We therefore propose that the following list of warnings
appears on every product offered for sale in the United
States.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy
Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of
Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute
Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in
Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the “Uncertainty Principle,”
It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same
Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast
It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds
that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle
was correct)

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance
That, Through a Process Know as “Tunneling,” This Product
May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and
Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including
Your Neighbor’s Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents
Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality,
This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That
When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product,
It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and
Undetermined State.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This
Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent
on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

*—————— Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————-*

American idioms don’t travel well. Case in point, this email
my boss received from a Chinese businessman… “I apologize
for taking so long to get this pricing to you, but I had to
get all my ducts in the road.”

Sometimes you get to kick people in the head.

editor — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 13:00:52 +0000

Good morning crew,

There is another big test coming up at the school in a couple
of weeks. That means I have to start cramming. Actually,
there are two big tests coming up. There is a second degree
black belt test in Hapkido on Saturday, October 11th for
which I will be acting as an assistant. That means I have
the privilege of getting my butt kicked around for an hour
while the guy who is testing gets to show off and look good.

Then I have a test in Taekwondo on Thursday the 16th which I
have to prepare for. It is a review test which means I have
to demonstrate proficiency at the five previous belts (or
ranks) worth of forms and other material.

It’s a lot to remember, not to mention perform, and they
don’t make it easy on you. That means I can’t afford to miss
any classes.

Ah, well, it’s not much more expensive than a health club
membership and unlike aerobics class sometimes you get to
kick people in the head.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

SUPER SIZE SHAMMIE
Made In Germany, Don’t Be Fooled By Others…

Retail Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $2.99
Get two for $4.98

Now is the time to get this FULL SIZED SHAMMIE for just $2.99.
Made in Germany don’t be fooled by others on the market that
just don’t do the job AND are more than triple the price!

Like on TV, this Super Size Shammie Absorbs 50% than natural
chamois. It’s extra large size of 27 x 17 can be cut in half
for smaller jobs. Durable enough for just about any task, but
soft and gentle enough for use on any surface.

It’s the PERFECT cleaning cloth and has hundreds of household
uses: floors, countertops, appliances, furniture windows, pets
and more. Perfect for washing car or boat, too!. Like on TV,
this soft, absorbent and non-abrasive cloth is 100% polyester
and will not scratch or damage any surface. Best of all… it’s
reusable! Just machine washable… but do not tumble dry.
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/9u1617
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/9u1617“>
SUPER SIZE SHAMMIE – Made In Germany…

***

“The financial crisis is getting worse. A bailout is in the
works. Today, Congress declared, ‘The days of getting money
just for the asking, are over.’ Then, they asked for $700
billion.” -Jay Leno

***

“The past several days, President Bush has been speaking
out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter
asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset
and said, ‘Why does everyone always spell in front of me?’”
-Conan O’Brien

***

“Don Rickles and Kathy Griffin presented an award last
night. It’s great to see that grizzled old timer still get
the laughs. And Rickles is funny, too.” -Craig Ferguson

————————————————————
STRIDESOUND PEDOMETER with FM Scan Radio
Improve Your Health & Have Fun… One Step At A Time

Retail Price: $19.99
Deal Price: $4.99
SAVE EVEN MORE: Get 2 for $7.98

The Pedometer Scan Radio is a pager-sized device that can be
worn on your belt that simply records the number of steps
you take based on your body’s movement and keeps track of
your steps on its LCD Display.

Just press the reset button each morning when you clip it
on your waistband….and you and your step counter are ready
to go.

FEATURES:
- Digital pedometer
- 12/24 settable clock with alarm, calendar, day-of-the-week
indicator, count down timer
- FM scan radio
- Calculates the distance walked and the calories you burned
- Includes earbuds and belt clip

Remember you can save even more when you buy two. Get two (2)
for $7.98. They make great gifts. To order, visit:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/qa71j7
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/qa71j7“>
STRIDESOUND PEDOMETER with FM Scan Radio
————————————————————

My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both
wear the traditional turban and often encounter strange
comments and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child
stared with amazement at my father. She finally got the
courage to ask, “Are you a genie?”

Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and
apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and
decided to humor the child.

He replied, “Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes.”

The child’s mother blurted out, “Really?”

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

Shortly after my son started college, the president of the
university had an assembly for the new students. “Welcome
to Johns Hopkins,” he began. “And please note that it’s
Johns, not John.” Then he told how one of his predecessors,
Milton Eisenhower, had been invited to talk at the University
of Pittsburgh.

After he was introduced as the president of “John Hopkins,”
Eisenhower said, “Thank you. It’s great to be in Pittburgh.”