Clean Laffs

Posts Tagged ‘Lottery’

Looks like I won’t be retiring next year.

August 17th, 2009

Good morning crew,

I was working on my retirement plan this weekend, but none
of my tickets won. I’ll fill you in on the rest of the
weekend’s excitement tomorrow.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

Put Your Sewing Machine Away…
HANDY MEND IT

List Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99
Get Two for $9.98

Permanently repair fabric tears quickly and effectively without
the need to sew! Handy Mend It is not a glue but rather a
flexible bonding agent that quickly grabs, adheres and interlocks
the fibers of fabrics. Best of all, It’s tear resistant!

Dries crystal clear and is safe on most fabrics including lace,
denim and leather. Machine washable and bonds stay strong even
after as many as 50 washes.

HUNDREDS OF USES:
- Hems Repair       – Home Decor     – Split Seam Repair
- Furniture Repair – Draperies      – Plush and Toy Repair
- Create wearable art      – Crafts and Scrapbooking

Grab one tube of Handy Mend It for $5.99 or two for $9.99.
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***

“I hate driving, and I hate when people honk at me. Unless
I’m making a left turn. Then I like it because that’s how
I know it’s time to turn.” –Rita Rudner

***

“The only comfort you can take from eating at a Denny’s is
that you know for sure that all over America, everyone else
at a Denny’s is just as unhappy as you are.” –Drew Carey

***

“People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the
worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn’t look
any better.” –Margot Black

————————————————————————————-
NEW & IMPROVED – PET BLINKERS… The Pet Safety Light
Protect Yourself & Your Pet!

Store Price: $7.99
DEAL PRICE: $3.99 or less

Pet Blinkers give you the added security and peace of mind
knowing you and your pet(s) are visible at night. Whether
you’re going for a jog with your pet or if you just want
extra attention, attach the Pet Blinker to your pet’s collar
and be seen a half-mile away. These eye-catching LEDs
accessorize any pet. Requires three AG3 lithium cell
batteries (included).
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————————————————————————————-

High Stress Diet

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help people
cope with the stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch:
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey’s kiss

Afternoon Tea:
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner:
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Midnight Night Snack:
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

*—————— Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————-*

Like many cello players, I sometimes get an odd buzz on one
of the strings. A rubber cylinder helps damp the troublesome
tone. One of these was mixed in with my pocket change, which
I had pulled out while at the coffee machine.

“What’s that?” the woman standing next to me asked.

“If you put it on your G-string,” I said without thinking,
“you won’t hear any wolf notes.”