Clean Laffs » Insurance

You never think you’ll need the insurance.

editor — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 13:00:07 +0000

Good morning crew,

Welcome to a new week and a new month, folks. It was quite
a weekend, what with the wedding and everything. I’m actually
glad to be back at work!

The last thing to do is return the tuxedo tonight. All I can
say is that I hope I took out that vomit insurance when I
rented the thing.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40
percent less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the
cat could care less either way, really.” –Jay Leno

***

“A company is now making a cell phone that allows you to
talk to your dog. It enables you to talk to your dog. The
way it works is that first you have to be insane.”
–Dave Letterman

***

“In Virginia lawmakers are considering a law banning people
from wearing pants that reveal their underwear in a lewd
way. Of course you could get by this law by just not wearing
any underwear.” –Craig Ferguson

———————————————————————————————–
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According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family
soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months
went by without success, they consulted the base physician,
who chose to examine Mom right then and there.

“Please disrobe,” he told her.

“With him in the room??” she yelled, pointing to my father.

Turning to Dad, the doctor said, “Captain, I think I found
the problem.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it’s always been
a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted
explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible.
When the subject came up while I was talking with a group
of guys, I replied simply, “Defense Contractor.”

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently
declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me
and asked, “So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

That’s what I get for being cheap.

editor — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 14:30:08 +0000

Good morning crew,

I called the insurance company today about the big, deer-
sized dent in the hood of the truck. As it turns out I
do not have rental insurance coverage. That means when
I have to leave the truck at the body shop next week I’ll
be taking the motorcycle back and forth to work.

That will be a fun way to spend the first week in November.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“The only way my wife and I could afford to have kids is if
she breast-fed them for eighteen years.” –Paul Alexander

***

“When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get
a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean-
then they’d be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a
package of Oreos does it say, ‘Keep out of reach of small
children.’ Where’s the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right
next to the rest of the poisons.” –Mike Bullard

***

“How do people meet their neighbors out in L.A.? I’m from
the south where we had block parties and cook-outs. In L.A.
the only time my wife and I had a chance to socialize was
at a crime scene. It’s so bad, now it’s like, ‘Honey! Did
you hear that? Sounded like gunfire! Hurry up…put your
nice clothes on. There are folks to meet!’” –Bob Oshack

———————————————————————————————-
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———————————————————————————————-

While hiking in the mountains one day I came across a
gorgeous gorge that I thought was an echo canyon. I shouted,
“Hello there.” But the response sounded to me like,
“Hello where?”

I tried again. “How do you do?”

A moment later the report came back sounding like, “How do
I do what?”

Baffled and amused I decided to give it the ultimate test.
“You’re not really an echo canyon, are you?”

The response from the big ditch confirmed my suspicions.
“Brilliant deduction, Einstein.”

*——————— Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————-*

The Dean of admissions at Bates College in Maine reads through
reams of applications from nervous high school seniors, some
maybe a little more nervous than others. Here are a few…

“If there is a single word to describe me, that word would be
‘profectionist’.”

“I was abducted into the National Honor Society.”

“I function well as an individual and a group.”

“Mathematics has hung like a stork around my neck.”