Clean Laffs » High Definition

Foolish me.

editor — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:00:03 +0000

Good morning crew,

Foolish me. Here I thought all a person needed to view high
definition is a high definition television. It turns out I
also need a high definition cable box. And while the old
cable box came free with the service the HD cable box costs
an additional nine bucks a month.

There is only so much blood you can get from a stone. That
hundred and eight bucks a year is going to have to come out
of either my food budget or my beer budget, and I’m not
married to the idea of eating three times a day.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“It looks like the Big Three automakers are going to get
some bailout money. You try it — if you have a bad year,
go to Washington and try to get some bailout money.”
-David Letterman

***

“Some Senate leaders say a bailout deal for automakers is
close. They say it’s taking so long because every time they
almost get a deal, the car executives say, ‘I’ll have to go
and check with my manager.’” -Conan O’Brien

***

“According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for
your prostate. Well, I’m glad they got this out in time.
I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no
idea it’s bad for you.” -Jay Leno

———————————————————————————————-
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Jim was just out of Navy boot camp, and was on his first
ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit
ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign,
also just out of training and on his first cruise. He
saluted and said, “Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick,
and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs
to the dispensary.”

The ensign returned his salute and replied, “Sailor, you
are in the Navy now. You don’t go downstairs, you go below!
There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not
only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not
the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is
a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttle-
butt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of
Naval jargon, I till throw you out of that little round
window over there.”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

A number of years ago, we had a rather pompous pastor. One
Sunday morning when he called for the offertory, he folded
his hands across his chest and intoned, “Ask and ye shall
receive; seek and ye shall find; knock and it will be opened
unto you.”

Then he spread his arms wide and called, “Therefore…come
unto the Lord all ye askers, seekers and knockers.”

[Thanks to Clean Laffs reader Abby.]

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2008 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Forty glorious inches.

editor — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 13:00:10 +0000

Good morning crew,

You know what I have planned for this weekend? Hours and
hours of 1,080 lines of vertical resolution on forty inches
of glorious flat screen. I’d better stop on the way home
and buy some beer and chips.

You know what I find amusing? By the time I have this new
TV paid for it will already be obsolete.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

2GB MP3/MP4 Player COMPLETE KIT
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Never before have we seen so much offered at this low a price!

FEATURES:
- 1.8 LCD Screen – FM Radio – Voice Recorder
- USB Drive – Rechargeable Battery

But what truly sets this Zenex Digital Audio/Video player apart
is the fact that it comes with its own travel speaker/carrying
case. Now you can share your music… Fear not, you still get a
set of stereo earphones too. In fact this is a complete kit
loaded with extras. You could expect to pay up to $100 or more
for everything that this Zenex kit has, but this entire kit is
less than $50…

Your MP3/MP4 Kit Includes:
- 2GB MP3/MP4 Player – $79.99 Value
- Travel Speaker & Carrying Case
- Stereo Earphones (color-coordinated to your player)
- Silicone Case (protects it when you drop it)
- USB Cable

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Today’s Deal of the Day

***

“You know you’re on a die when cat food commercials make you
hungry.” –Andy Bumatai

***

“What’s right is what’s left if you do everything wrong.”
–Robin Williams

***

“I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five
mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia.” –Spanky

———————————————————————————————-
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———————————————————————————————-

I walked into my sister’s kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch,
having a snack.

“Where’s your mother?” I asked.

“She said she was going to have a shower. Just a minute, I’ll
see.”

Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on
full blast.

An sharp yell came from above.

Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, “Yep, she’s in the
shower.”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

Our son, Steve, was cutting his lawn with a power mower when
it slid down an embankment, lopped off a large chunk of his
tennis shoe and badly nicked the tip of his left toe. Days
later, Steve was at home recuperating on the couch when his
brother-in-law called. “I thought I’d bring over a couple of
videos to help pass the time,” he said.

“Hey, thanks,” said Steve. “What are they?”

“The Lawnmower Man and My Left Foot.”