Clean Laffs

Posts Tagged ‘High Definition’

Foolish me.

December 11th, 2008

Good morning crew,

Foolish me. Here I thought all a person needed to view high
definition is a high definition television. It turns out I
also need a high definition cable box. And while the old
cable box came free with the service the HD cable box costs
an additional nine bucks a month.

There is only so much blood you can get from a stone. That
hundred and eight bucks a year is going to have to come out
of either my food budget or my beer budget, and I’m not
married to the idea of eating three times a day.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“It looks like the Big Three automakers are going to get
some bailout money. You try it — if you have a bad year,
go to Washington and try to get some bailout money.”
-David Letterman

***

“Some Senate leaders say a bailout deal for automakers is
close. They say it’s taking so long because every time they
almost get a deal, the car executives say, ‘I’ll have to go
and check with my manager.’” -Conan O’Brien

***

“According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for
your prostate. Well, I’m glad they got this out in time.
I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no
idea it’s bad for you.” -Jay Leno

———————————————————————————————-
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———————————————————————————————-

Jim was just out of Navy boot camp, and was on his first
ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit
ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign,
also just out of training and on his first cruise. He
saluted and said, “Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick,
and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs
to the dispensary.”

The ensign returned his salute and replied, “Sailor, you
are in the Navy now. You don’t go downstairs, you go below!
There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not
only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not
the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is
a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttle-
butt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of
Naval jargon, I till throw you out of that little round
window over there.”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

A number of years ago, we had a rather pompous pastor. One
Sunday morning when he called for the offertory, he folded
his hands across his chest and intoned, “Ask and ye shall
receive; seek and ye shall find; knock and it will be opened
unto you.”

Then he spread his arms wide and called, “Therefore…come
unto the Lord all ye askers, seekers and knockers.”

[Thanks to Clean Laffs reader Abby.]