Clean Laffs

Posts Tagged ‘Family’

Explain THAT to TSA.

April 16th, 2009

Good morning crew,

My mother is fond of giving me things whenever I visit.
I think she looks at it as an opportunity to clear some
of the clutter out of her house. Once I commented that I
liked the design of a coffee mug she had and when I left
she forced me to pack the entire set of mugs in my bag.
She even wrapped each one individually in newspaper for
me. I think she needed the space in her cupboard. So I
have learned to be careful what I comment on around her
house.

Last weekend I was admiring Mom’s garden into which she
puts so much time and effort. I told her that I thought
one plant she had…with large, dark green leaves edged
in red…looked gorgeous and we had an animated discussion
about its cultivation and gardening in general. It was
very innocent.

On Monday morning while I was packing Mom snuck up to me,
with an almost apologetic look on her face, and handed me
several Ziploc bags stuffed with various clipping and
trimmings from her garden. I would have objected but she
already had them ready to go.

Now I feel obligated to plant them all. I guess I’ll have
to stop by the nursery on my way home tonight and buy a
few planters and several pounds of soil.

She also managed to sneak several pounds of Easter ham and
a Tupperware container full of potato salad into my bag
when I wasn’t looking. I didn’t notice that until the TSA
agent who was confiscating my deodorant held it up and asked
me what it was.

He didn’t confiscate it. I guess he had already had lunch.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“President Obama has lifted the travel ban to Cuba. I want
to remind people that if they do travel to Cuba, don’t
forget to set your watch back 50 years.” -Jay Leno

***

“This whole pirate situation is getting out of control…
two more attacks yesterday. Apparently, what they do is
pull up to a ship, fire some shots to scare everyone off,
then climb up the side, and then I guess they copy and
distribute DVDs.” -Jimmy Fallon

***

“There were tea party protests today. People have been
mailing tea bags to members of Congress to, I guess,
express their dissatisfaction with taxes and government
spending. Nothing shakes a politician up like a compli-
mentary bag of tea.” -Jimmy Kimmel

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———————————————————————————————-

I was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C., I spent my spare time
fishing in the backwaters of the Intercostals Waterway. Soon
I became a guide of sorts for some senior noncommissioned
officers.

Once, a chief master sergeant hooked a 20-pound striped bass.
After he reeled the fish onto the boat, he slipped the hook
out of its mouth and released it back into the water.

He must have noticed the puzzled look on my face, “Rank does
have its privileges. I can’t keep a fish that has more stripes
than I do,” he explained.

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

“Daddy,” said my 11-year-old daughter, “I think I want to
join the Army.”

“Baby,” I answered, “I think the Air Force would be a better
option for you.”

“But I don’t want to be a pilot.”

“You don’t have to be a pilot,” I told her. “There are other
jobs in the Air Force.”

Her answer: “I don’t want to be a flight attendant either.”