Clean Laffs » Clean Laffs

Learn from Joe’s mistakes

editor — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 02:26:51 +0000

Monday, October 19, 2009

Good morning crew,

Here’s a tip: When you’re eating at a fancy French restaurant
and you want to impress your date, don’t ask the waiter to
recommend a wine without asking the price. On second thought,
you don’t want to look cheap by asking the price, so don’t
ask the waiter to recommend a wine at all.

When I asked our waiter to select a wine he started bringing
us glasses of some really good cabernet. It wasn’t until I
got the bill that I discovered it was nine dollars a glass.

Our bar tab was only slightly less expensive than the meal
itself.

Laugh it up,

Joe

mailto:joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. We now have a Forum. You can post comments on this and
recent issues at… http://cleanlaffs.gophercentral.com

***

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***

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car
for a couple of days.” –Tim Allen

***

“This has all the earmarks of an eyesore.” –James McSheehy,
member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, commenting
on a construction project he opposed.

***

“Programming today is a race between software engineers
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs,
and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning.” –Rich Cook

————————————————————
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http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/4107/c/120/a/505
————————————————————

My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie
are fans of 60’s music. They recently got front-row tickets
to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town.

When they returned home from the concert that night, I
wanted to hear all the details of the concert. My daughter
says, “Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds
of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought
people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized
that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses
in the audience!”

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

The Hokey Pokey — Shakespearean Style!

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven’s yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke — banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, ’tis what it’s all about.

************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Or I could just order a pizza.

editor — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 02:25:11 +0000

Friday, October 16, 2009

Good morning crew,

On the menu tonight: Lime grilled salmon with filet mignon.
Broiled zucchini with melted parmesan. And on the side a
green pepper, tomato and cucumber salad with a balsamic
vinegar and olive oil dressing.

All I have to do now is go to the store, buy the material
and make it.

Laugh it up,

Joe

mailto:joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. We now have a Forum. You can post comments on this and
recent issues at… http://cleanlaffs.gophercentral.com

***

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***

“When you’re in a committed relationship and spend all of your
time with one person, that’s called being magnanimous.”
–Clean Laffs Joe

***

“People say I’m a hypochondriac. I don’t think that’s true.
All of my health concerns are completely legitimate. Like
the fact that standing in front of the microwave can make
you sterile!” –Clean Laffs Joe

***

“I have a Rolodex which is half full of Post-It notes with
names and phone numbers on them. I had a grand plan, at one
point, to alphabetizing them, but that word is Greek to me.”
–Clean Laffs Joe

————————————————————
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————————————————————

Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were
expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called
me at work all the way from Japan with the news of my
grandchild’s birth. I took down all the statistics and
turned to relate it all to my co-workers.

“I’m a grandmother!” I declared. “It’s a baby girl, and she
weighs five pounds.”

“When was she born?” someone asked.

Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the
calendar, and said in amazement, “Tomorrow!”

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told
him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a
dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-
or-other had printed it.

“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.

“Yes, that was it!”

“You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever
printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million
dollars!”

“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything
close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all
over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther.”

************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

No one was hurt during this transaction.

editor — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 02:23:49 +0000

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Good morning crew,

Some things about modern convenience just aren’t that con-
venient. For example, last night, on the way home, I decided
to hit the drive thru at my local fried chicken joint to
pick up dinner.

A fuzzy voice on the box asked me what I wanted and I said,
“I’d like a two piece dinner, white meat, mild, with a side
of red beans and rice please.”

“Hold a moment…” came the reply. There was about sixty
seconds of silence when the voice came back and asked, “Did
you want dark or white meat?”

“White please.”

“Do you want a side with that?”

“Red beans and rice please.”

“And you wanted spicy, right?”

“Mild please.”

“Okay, your total is a million dollars, please pull around.”

So I pulled around to the little window where a young woman
was looking at her register. I gave her my money and she
printed out a receipt and read it to me.

“Two piece dark meat with a side of mashed potatoes and
gravy.” she said, holding out a bag.

Ah, well, what’s the difference? Right? So I just took it
instead of arguing. When I got home and opened up the box
I got chicken strips with barbecue sauce and a side of
jalapeno poppers.

Laugh it up,

Joe

mailto:joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. We now have a Forum. You can post comments on this and
recent issues at… http://cleanlaffs.gophercentral.com

***

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***

“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid
to say and then don’t say it.” –Sam Levenson

***

“To make a long story short, there’s nothing like having a
boss walk in.” –Doris Lilly

***

God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck
with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.
–Garrison Keiller

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————————————————————

I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are inde-
pendent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you
call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re
home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words,
every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

“You’re too good for him.” -Sign over mirror in Women’s
restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA.

“No wonder you always go home alone.” -Sign over mirror in
Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA.

************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

You guys are good!

editor — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 02:21:13 +0000

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Good morning crew,

You troopers were on the bounce in answering yesterday’s
quote. The line came from, of course, Robert Heinlein’s
1959 sci-fi classic “Starship Troopers”.

Most everybody is familiar with the 1997 movie remake by
the same name, and while the movie had roughly the same
plot as the book there was a significant omission in the
form of the powered armor.

In the book, all of the Mobile Infantry were equipped with
powered armor. It is supposed to work something like this:

“An armored suit magnifies the power of the
soldier’s muscles, along with other weapons.
Our suits give us better eyes, better ears,
stronger backs (to carry heavier weapons and
more ammo), better legs, more intelligence
(in the military meaning…), more firepower,
greater endurance, less vulnerability.

“The real genius in the design is that you
don’t have to control the suit; you just wear
it, like your clothes, like skin. The secret
lies in negative feedback and amplification.

“Here’s how it works, minus the diagrams.
The inside of the suit is a mass of pressure
receptors, hundreds of them. You push with
the heel of your hand; the suit feels it,
amplifies it, pushes with you to take the
pressure off the receptors that gave the
order to push”.

Most fans will tell you that the powered armor is the
coolest thing about the book. Unfortunately, they didn’t
have the budget to pull it off in the movie (so it was
sort of a trick question for those of you who saw the
movie but didn’t read the book). If you have the time
try looking up some artists’ renditions on the Internet.

Laugh it up,

Joe

mailto:joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. We now have a Forum. You can post comments on this and
recent issues at… http://cleanlaffs.gophercentral.com

***

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***

“Scientists announced that they have located the gene for
alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking
way too loudly.” –Conan O’Brien

***

“A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for
you as smoking. You know what’s really bad? Second-hand meat.”
–Jay Leno

***

“I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when
I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now
there’s no rehab for stupidity.” –Chris Rock

————————————————————
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————————————————————

“After nearly two decades in England, I moved back to the
United States with my English wife and four children. Coming
back to your native land after an absence of many years is
surprisingly unsettling. For months I had conversations with
the clerk at our local True-Value that went something like
this:

“Hi. I need some of that goopy stuff you fill nail holes in
walls with. My wife calls it Pollyfilla.”

“Oh. You mean Spackle.”

“Very possibly. And I need some of those little plastic things
you use to hold screws in the wall. I know them as rawl plugs.”

“We call them anchors.”

I could hardly have felt more foreign if I had stood there
dressed in lederhosen.

–Bill Bryson from “I’m a Stranger Here Myself.”

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

Students at school were asked to write about the harmful
environmental effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote,
“When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full
of oil and all the sardines were dead.”

************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Taking it like a trooper.

editor — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 03:19:07 +0000

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Good morning crew,

I picked up an old, classic novel again recently. I haven’t
read it in years and figured I was about due to browse
through it again. It was originally written in 1959 as a
novel for young adults, which makes it very easy to read,
and despite being a sci-fi adventure story it is loaded the
author’s socio-political dogma. However, neither of these
factors detract from it being an engrossing read.

Okay, I’ve given you enough hints. I’ll only supply you with
one quote and see if you can guess the book…

“No need to describe what the suit looks like,
since it has been pictured so often. Suited up,
you look like a big steel gorilla, armed with
gorilla-sized weapons. This may be why a sergeant
generally opens his remarks with ‘You apes–’
However, it seems more likely that Caesar’s
sergeants used the same honorific.”

I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Laugh it up,

Joe

mailto:joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. We now have a Forum. You can post comments on this and
recent issues at… http://cleanlaffs.gophercentral.com

***

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***

“I’m trying to figure out what to give my lady friend for
her birthday. They say diamonds are forever – what says
‘this is for the next month and a half’?” –Craig Kilborn

***

“I have a list I made when I was twelve of things I wanted
to do before I die. Omigod…how embarrassing. Number One:
Touch a boobie.” –Drew Carey

***

“Remember…a developer is someone who wants to build a house
in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns
a house in the woods.” –Dennis Miller

————————————————————
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————————————————————

The difference between “Men” and “Guys”

Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes
with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they’ve actually owned since
high school.

Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same
buddy twice in a row.

Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors,
driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors,
drive, and pay for dinner.

Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.

Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you’re not there when their moms call.

Men: start their own businesses.
Guys: quit their jobs.

Men: are experts on women’s erogenous zones.
Guys: are experts on their own erogenous zone.

Men: order wine based on more than the price.
Guys: bring their own beer.

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and
said, “Ma’am, this potato is bad.”

She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she
put it back on my plate and said, “Sir, if that potato
causes any more trouble, you just let me know.”

************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Where does the time go?

editor — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 20:37:26 +0000

Monday, October 12, 2009

Good morning crew,

Is it Monday again already? It seems like just day before
yesterday it was Saturday. Well, that’s nothing that a
large glass of water, some antacid, a couple cups of coffee,
an aspirin, a light breakfast and the rest of the day off
won’t cure.

Laugh it up,

Joe

mailto:joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. We now have a Forum. You can post comments on this and
recent issues at… http://cleanlaffs.gophercentral.com

***

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***

The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence. The second marriage is the triumph of hope
over experience. The third marriage is the triumph of
stupidity.

***

One of the most successful inventors of all time was the man
who invented the hay-bailing machine. Needless to say, he
made a bundle.

***

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last night it took
four state troopers and a dog.

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————————————————————

I believe my little daughter wants a pair of glasses. I
don’t know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now “cool”
to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she
still says she needs glasses.

I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though.
She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye
chart. She said, “All right, I can see the ‘O’ and the ‘P’
and the ‘T,’ but not the ‘N’ and the ‘Z.’”

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes —————*

A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The
bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?”
asks the neutron.

“For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge.”

************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I am industriously available.

editor — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Good morning crew,

Wow. Wednesday and I haven’t accomplished anything this
week. Some people would call me lazy, but I like to think
of myself as industriously available. I think I need to
buy a house just so I have a lawn to keep me preoccupied.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many
things, and I have succeeded fairly well.” –Robert Benchley

***

“Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we
need are ovations where the audience members all punch and
kick one another.” –George Carlin

***

“There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because any-
thing that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it
was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will
kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming
ones, who will get out due to a loophole.” –Eddie Izzard

————————————————————————————-
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- Clean Feet Without Bending
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————————————————————————————-

A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him.
“Didn’t I tell you the last time you were in my court room
that I never wanted to see you in here again?”

“Yes, Your Honor,” the defendant replied. “That’s exactly
what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in
anyway!”

*—————— Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————-*

As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot
was providing his passengers with a running commentary about
landmarks over the PA system.

“Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater,
which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It
was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet
in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth
50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering
white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole
measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: “Wow, look! It just
missed the highway!”

Another successful company picnic.

editor — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 13:00:42 +0000

Good morning crew,

It was another successful company picnic, for the most part.
It seems to have gotten smaller over the last few years.
Five years ago there was such a crowd of people I couldn’t
even say hello to everyone who was there. This year we
probably didn’t even have fifty people…kids included.

I guess people are getting busier. The food was still good.
The last couple of years TZ has finally gotten away from
making frozen burgers which turned into little meat torches
as soon as they touched the grill.

He (and his wife) actually made the burgers themselves which
turned out very well. He tends to overcook in my opinion,
but not everybody likes a pink burger, so I guess he’s just
catering to the lowest common denominator.

And there was a great variety of side dishes…a lot of which
people made (I bought some Hawaiian bread and spinach dip…
I wasn’t feeling very industrious). And to top it all off we
were able to get in about four games of volleyball which I
really enjoyed.

I even got to spike the ball onto a little kid’s head. Now
that’s a good picnic.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

American Builder 26 Piece Folding Tool Tote
Tools You’ll Use, Not Lose…

List Price: $14.99
DEAL PRICE: $7.99

Finally, tools you’ll use and not lose. This 26-piece Folding
Tool Tote from American Builder organizes your tools like
never before.

Designed and built to last from the strongest alloys available,
these 26 quality tools fit neatly inside a durable nylon case
that when folded-up fits just about anywhere… your tool box,
your car’s glove box, even your “everything” drawer.

Each Folding Tool Tote includes:
- 6-pc Precision Screwdrivers        – Tweezers
- 4.5″ Diagonal Pliers/Wire Cutter   – 5″ Long Nose Pliers
- Interchangeable Drive Handle       – Socket Driver Adapter Bit
- 10-pc Driver Bit Set               – 4-pc Socket Set
- Convenient Storage Case            – Bit Holster

Remember you get All 26 pieces for about what you’d expect to
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***

“Here’s to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms
without falling into her hands.” –Ambrose Bierce

***

“Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they
usually aren’t opposed to renting them out for an hour or
two.”

***

“The only thing that stops God from sending another flood
is that the first one was useless.”
–Nicholas Chamfort (1741-1794)

————————————————————————————-
Purse Hanger 2-pk with Bonus Pouch
Cute, Clever & Convenient…

List Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99
Get two for $9.98

It’s always a problem… Where to put your purse when you’re
eating out at a restaurant. Hang your purse on the back of
your chair (easy for someone to slip off). On the floor – under
your feet (not very convenient or sanitary). In your lap? That
would get old quick.

With the Purse Hanger you NEVER have to worry about this! Simply
hang your Purse Hanger on the edge of the table and hang your
purse on the hook. This holds your purse within “YOUR” easy reach,
not the person sitting at the table behind you!

It sits on the tabletop and a metal hanger drops under the table,
where you conveniently and confidently place the strap of your
purse.

FEATURES:
- Will hang from most tables – Supports up to 30 pounds
- You Get TWO Hangers – Includes carrying pouch
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————————————————————————————-

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem.
After the visit the man asks, “How much do I owe you?”

“My fee is five hundred dollars,” replies the physician.

“Five hundred dollars? That’s impossible. No one charges that
much!”

“In your case,” the doctor replies, “I suppose I could adjust
my fee to three hundred.”

“Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous.”

“Well, then, could you afford two hundred?”

“Who has that kind of money?”

“Look, replies the doctor,” growing irritated, “Just give me
a hundred and get out of my office, okay?”

“I can give you fifty,” says the man. “Take it or leave it.”

“I don’t understand you,” says the doctor. “Why did you come
to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no
money?”

“Listen, Doctor,” says the patient, “When it comes to my
health, nothing is too expensive!”

*—————— Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————-*

A worker in the reference department of the Library of
Congress received a call asking the meaning of the phrase
“without recourse.” He consulted a legal dictionary and
furnished this definition, “Said of a signer of a document
when he takes no responsibility for the face of the
document.”

“Thank you,” said the voice at the other end of the wire.
“I have an autographed photograph of Coolidge. It’s signed,
“Without recourse, Calvin Coolidge.”

Looks like I won’t be retiring next year.

editor — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 13:00:50 +0000

Good morning crew,

I was working on my retirement plan this weekend, but none
of my tickets won. I’ll fill you in on the rest of the
weekend’s excitement tomorrow.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

Put Your Sewing Machine Away…
HANDY MEND IT

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Dries crystal clear and is safe on most fabrics including lace,
denim and leather. Machine washable and bonds stay strong even
after as many as 50 washes.

HUNDREDS OF USES:
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***

“I hate driving, and I hate when people honk at me. Unless
I’m making a left turn. Then I like it because that’s how
I know it’s time to turn.” –Rita Rudner

***

“The only comfort you can take from eating at a Denny’s is
that you know for sure that all over America, everyone else
at a Denny’s is just as unhappy as you are.” –Drew Carey

***

“People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the
worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn’t look
any better.” –Margot Black

————————————————————————————-
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Pet Blinkers give you the added security and peace of mind
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————————————————————————————-

High Stress Diet

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help people
cope with the stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch:
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey’s kiss

Afternoon Tea:
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner:
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Midnight Night Snack:
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

*—————— Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————-*

Like many cello players, I sometimes get an odd buzz on one
of the strings. A rubber cylinder helps damp the troublesome
tone. One of these was mixed in with my pocket change, which
I had pulled out while at the coffee machine.

“What’s that?” the woman standing next to me asked.

“If you put it on your G-string,” I said without thinking,
“you won’t hear any wolf notes.”

I’ll be swimming in disposable cash.

editor — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:00:46 +0000

Good morning crew,

Today’s payday, baby. Ka-ching! All I have to do is make
a truck payment, a boat payment, an insurance payment, a
credit card payment and a utility payment…and then I’ll
be swimming in, oh, upwards of fifty bucks in cold, hard
disposable cash. The first round’s on me!

Then tomorrow is the company picnic, which means I’ll have
to stop at the store and pick up a snack or dessert or
something to bring. On second thought, I don’t think I’ll
buy that first round.

I’ll let you know if anything exciting happens next week.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

The Tastes and Colors of Provence Cookbook
Good Cooking… Good Travels… Good People…

List Price: $12.99
DEAL PRICE: $2.99

This is one of the most unique cookbooks you’ll ever own.
It’s not just filled with recipes it is a guided tour of
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People spend thousands of dollars to attend a full week at
Sylvie Lallemand’s Provencal Cooking School. This book allows
you to experience a typical week at the cooking school AND the
actual recipes they cook.

You’ll also enjoy 12 full-color water color prints by Sylvie…
and she’s quite the artist too!

You’ll even get some recipes from some of her favorite regional
restaurants.

This little book is packed with so much… after reading it
and of course trying out some of the recipes you’ll feel like
you’ve been been on a journey to France.

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***

“Not many people know this, but the word barbeque is
actually a Norwegian word that means ‘I love you.’ That’s
not true, but if it were true, wouldn’t it be awesome?”
-Craig Ferguson

***

“Nissan announced that they’ve developed a new car that
gets 367 miles per gallon. It’s called the Nissan Fred
Flintstone.” -Conan O’Brien

***

“In Florida an 87-year-old grandmother was bitten by a
rattlesnake. Then she killed the snake with her bare hands.
Even PETA said, ‘Make yourself a belt out of it, lady!’”
–Jimmy Fallon

————————————————————————————-
- These Jokes Will Be Sure To Make You Groan -
The Daily Groaner

Some call them “bad” jokes while others will argue they are
“great” jokes. Whatever you may call them, we just call them
Groaners. Delivered via email every weekday let editor Steve
share his skewed version of life along with some of the
internets best Groaners to help start your day off with a
smile. You can join today by visiting:
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The Daily Groaner
————————————————————————————-

Anyone who’s ever ridden in a cab in Rome, Italy, knows
they’re some of the world’s most brazen drivers. Oddly
enough though, their current accident rate isn’t all that
bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that.

“Easy,” he said. “All the bad drivers are dead.”

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

The little boy’s grandfather had taken him for a trip to the
zoo and an ice cream. When he came home his mother asked,
“Did you thank your grandfather for taking you to the zoo and
buying you ice cream?”

The boy didn’t answer.

She asked again, “I said, did you thank Granddad for taking
you to the zoo and buying you ice cream?”

Still no answer.

“You answer me, young man! DID YOU THANK YOUR GRANDFATHER?!?”

“Yes,” the boy said at last.

“Well, why didn’t you say so?”

“Because he told me not to mention it!’”