Clean Laffs » Boats

Coleridge was a hack.

editor — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:00:12 +0000

Good morning crew,

         Joe, one of the reasons you are having trouble
       selling your boat is because of the name. The
         word “Albatross” conveys a feeling that the
         boat is a burden and that is why you are selling
         it. Perhaps a more positive name might make a
         difference. Something like “Opportunity” or
       “Sunshine”. Give it a try.

-Mark E., Billings, MT

I appreciate the thought Mark, but the albatross has always
been considered by mariners to be good luck. Many believe
Albatrosses carry the immortal souls of lost sailors.

Seamen held that killing an albatross would bring bad luck.

It was that hack, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, who created the
false impression that an albatross is bad luck in his “Rime
of the Ancient Mariner.” To be completely honest, it was
high schooler’s poor reading comprehension which lead to
that misunderstanding.

The subject in Coleridge’s poem shoots an albatross, which
was a good omen, and then is forced to wear its corpse as an
indication that he, not the whole ship, offended against the
bird.

Anyway, the boat isn’t really called Albatross. That’s just
what I call it. It is officially named Serenity Now! And that
is with the exclamation point. I have old Mason to thank for
that. He registered the boat with that name (behind my back)
with Burnham Harbor and we had to put it on the hull.

We were the only boat in the entire marina that had a name
with punctuation.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“For sale,” read the ad in our hospital’s weekly newsletter,
“sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn
once, by mistake.”

***

When hiring new staff at the public library, I always ask
applicants what sort of supervision they’d be most com-
fortable with. One genius answered, “I’ve always thought
Superman’s X-ray vision would be cool.”

***

My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening
up in her neighborhood.”How convenient,” she said. “I can walk
to it!”

———————————————————————————————–
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———————————————————————————————–

Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my
first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said
not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me
into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice
stated, “Lost satellite contact.”

I wasn’t embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said,
“Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

Dr. Smith asks his patient, “Which do you want first, the
good news or the bad news?”

The patient replies, “Give me the good news.”

Dr. Smith says, “You’re about to have a disease named after
you.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

We didn’t have any luck this time either.

editor — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 13:00:09 +0000

Good morning crew,

We had a very friendly guy come out to take a look at the
boat this weekend, although he seemed more interested in
hanging out on the deck and drinking our beer than actually
inspecting it.

He did have a lot of stories, though. Apparently he has
been sailing for nearly 40 years. He has owned a number of
his own boats as well as having crewed on racing yachts and
even acted as a sailing instructor for some yacht club or
other on Lake Michigan.

We were duly impressed.

Eventually he got around to kicking the tires and tugging
on the shrouds, complimenting us on how well we maintained
her.

This might be the guy to recognize a great deal on a good
vessel and finally buy her!

When he went below we could see him through the companion-
way as he bent down and picked up one of the bilge covers.
Looking inside he said, “Hey! What’s this?”

Mason and I exchanged glances.

“That’s the bilge,” Mason said. That’s where any water that
gets on the boat collects.”

“Oh. Right, right. The bilge, of course.”

So…we pretty much figured this guy had no clue what he was
talking about, but as long as his money is green we could
really give a fig.

Unfortunately, he hasn’t called me back yet with an offer.
Maybe he’s holding out for something with a glass bottom.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Congress is considering a bill that would force advertisers
to lower the volume of their TV commercials. OK, how did my
mother get in Congress?” -Jimmy Fallon

***

“Food addicts are the people I feel sorriest for because
that’s really hard. You need to eat. You don’t need to do
drugs. Very hard for these people to quit. “I’m going cold
turkey… mmmmm turkey. Do not think about food… do not
think about food… do not… nuts…” -Craig Ferguson

***

“According to a survey by nationwide mutual insurance, 2
percent of people actually shave while they’re driving. They
shave! How many guys would like to be in the car with those
women?” –Jay Leno

———————————————————————————————–
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———————————————————————————————–

As the owner of an old clunker, I was used to dealing with
a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket,
just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed
a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I
knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of
action.

When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the pro-
blem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis.
When he came back in, he was smiling. “It’s apple juice,” he
said.

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours
was astounded to see a suspicious looking man in a black ski
mask come hurling headfirst through the window.

“What on earth are you up to? What happened?!” he demanded.

“I’m terribly sorry,” said the man, “I forgot to let go of
the brick.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

We did have one little surprise.

editor — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:00:20 +0000

Good morning crew,

We did have one little surprise while cleaning up the boat
on Saturday. When we took her to the truck wash to pressure
wash all the bird s*** off of it old Mason, who was standing
on the deck with the wand, opened the anchor locker and
called to me, “You’re not going to believe what’s in here!”

“What? Is the drain clogged again? Is it full of water?”

“Nope. It’s a bird’s nest.”

“IN the anchor locker?”

“Yes. Take a look.”

So I climbed up onto the deck and peeked in and sure enough,
the entire thing was filled to the very top with leaves and
grass and twigs. It looked like a bird condo.

So I told him, “Pressure wash that stuff out of there!”

He did.

The first blast shot half a bale of grass and mud (and other
nameless bird effluent) straight up into his face. That image
alone made the whole thing worth it.

But I’m still bewildered at how a bird managed to build a
nest inside that anchor locker. The drainage hole is probably
smaller than an inch in diameter, and I know no bird could
lift that lid…unless maybe it was a vulture or a condor or
something. Are there any condors in the Chicago area?

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’ is returning to prime time.
Due to the recession, it’s been renamed ‘Who Wants Five Bucks
and a Taco.’” -Craig Ferguson

***

“Today is Arbor Day. Does anyone care? I guess not, now that
we have Earth Day. We’ve dumped the old wrinkly holiday in
favor of a hot new young one.” -Jimmy Kimmel

***

“Obama was on the news today speaking about college spending.
He’s proposing a new budget — $15 billion for college loans,
$20 billion for Ramen Noodles.” -Jimmy Fallon

———————————————————————————————–
…….. “Oh, My Aching Back” ……..

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bending, muscle spasms and spinal compression.

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome
of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take the life
insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What
will I get?”

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably 20 to
life.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

When she got flowers from her husband on Valentine’s Day,
my daughter’s friend quickly opened the card. All it said
was “No.” What did that mean?

She called her husband, who said, “I didn’t attach any
message. The florist asked if I had a message and I said,
‘No.’”

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

It’s going to take a lot of scrubbing.

editor — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:00:50 +0000

Good morning crew,

It was a busy Saturday. Old Mason and I finally dragged the
Albatross out and had a look at her. She wasn’t in very good
shape. It’s going to take a lot of scrubbing to get her in
ship shape again. Unfortunately we didn’t have enough time
to do it this weekend, because Saturday night I had a dinner
date. I’ll fill you in on those details later. Right now
there is still a long Monday to get through.

Welcome to a new week, folks!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“President Obama is in Mexico right now. He’s going to
discuss border security, drug-related violence, and he’s
going to officiate a wet-T-shirt contest. It’s spring break
for him too.” -Jimmy Kimmel

***

“A new study says that obese people can lose weight if they
walk 12 miles per week. As a result Applebee’s is intro-
ducing a new 12 mile long buffet.” –Conan O’Brien

***

“I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and
it’s been terrible burden on the country in terms of
interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They
have raised the limit of debt we can go to to $9 trillion.
It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting
an F? Don’t study harder, make the grading curve go out to
K. Then your F looks like a C.” –Jon Stewart

———————————————————————————————-
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———————————————————————————————–
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his
front door. “Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country
club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife
alive again.”

But it was well after noon by the time he arrived at the
designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind
a bush and demanded, “You’re two hours late! What took you
so long?”

“Give me a break!” said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
“I’m a 27 handicap.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and
instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.

The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden
block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.

Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the
hospital and goes…. “Taa-Daa!”

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I am going to miss it.

editor — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 13:00:55 +0000

Good morning crew,

        Joe, have you really had the boat for five
        years already? I remember when you bought
        that thing! Maybe you’ll go back to golf…
          -Heidi

Well, it has been three years since we bought the Albatross.
The two years before that we were sailing the catamaran. So
overall a total of five years. It has been quite an adventure
and I am going to miss it, but there are other things to blow
a huge amount of time and money on…like a house.

Maybe, next year or the year after I’ll come back to it, but
next time it will be something smaller and cheaper…probably
used. Something that won’t be a crushing financial burden
that sucks up every minute of spare time!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

Wahl Lift ‘n Wash Triple Cut Electric Shaver
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***

“I had the worst study habits in the history of college,
until I found out what I was doing wrong — highlighting
with a black magic marker.” -Jeff Altman

***

“As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway
places. When you’re grown up, a credit card does it.”
–Sam Ewing

***

“Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking
about myself. It’s kind of like being the guy on a date.”
–Caroline Rhea

———————————————————————————————-
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———————————————————————————————-

I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at
engineering university. I worked repairing construction
equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had
some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts
had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating
the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this,
one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.

He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if
I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip
on the bolt so I could then remove it.

“So things get larger when they get hot, do they?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said, “that’s why days are longer in summer and
shorter in winter.”

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. “You know, I
always wondered about that,” he said.

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

Before I could enroll in my company’s medical insurance plan,
I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form
was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

One question asked, “Do you think you may need to go to the
emergency room within the next three months?”

I have some decisions to make.

editor — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:00:50 +0000

Good morning crew,

Now that the old Albatross is being advertised on some more
high profile, paid sites I’m expecting to actually sell the
thing in the next month or so. And when I do I will have
some decisions to make…like what I am going to do with an
entire summer full of free time! I have been so preoccupied
with sailing for the last five years that it’s going to
feel a little weird sitting around every weekend drinking
beer at home instead of sitting around every weekend drinking
beer on a boat.

How am I going to adjust?

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“According to ‘Consumer Research’ more people are drinking
soda for breakfast. It’s become the new orange juice. Maybe
in the trailer park where Yoo-hoo is the new champagne!”
–Jay Leno

***

“According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot
regularly does not lead to harder drugs. In fact the study
shows that smoking pot regularly does not lead to doing
much of anything.” –Conan O’Brien

***

“The government had to bail out two huge companies, and
today they strongly hinted that they’d bail out others…
at taxpayers’ expense of course. It’s all part of a new
approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are
taking — it’s called socialism.” -Jimmy Kimmel

———————————————————————————————-
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———————————————————————————————-

You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup
of coffee. However, there are many other silly lawsuits
involving products that have received far less attention.
For example:

A prescription of sleeping pills says,
“Warning: May cause drowsiness

A container of underarm deodorant says,
“Caution: Do not spray in eyes”

A cartridge for a laser printer warns: “Do not eat toner”

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard
warns:
“Do not drive with sunshield in place”

A Bathroom Heater says:
“This product is not to be used in bathrooms”

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users:
“May irritate eyes”

A popular manufactured fireplace log warns:
“Caution – Risk of Fire”

A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax
as ear plugs or for any other function that involves in-
sertion into a body cavity.

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a
cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small-
town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a
temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The
day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe
too hard.

With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse:
“I never saw a cow until I met my wife.”