Clean Laffs » Baseball

About fifteen minutes of crotch-pulling.

editor — Tue, 05 May 2009 13:00:53 +0000

Good morning crew,

Steve’s bachelor party was this Saturday past. That was
an adventure. He and his crew are all baseball fans, so
they all wanted to go downtown to see a Cubs game. I am
indifferent to baseball at best, subsequently it has been
several years since I’ve actually been to a live game.

The adventure started when we had to park twelve blocks
away from Wrigley Field. That I didn’t mind so much. A
good stretch of the legs never hurt anybody, but on the
streets of the city is was a comfortable sixty-nine or
seventy degrees. When we finally battled through the
crowds, through the phalanx of street hawkers and through
the ticket and security personnel, and made it all the way
up, through tier after tier of bleachers onto the roof of
the building where our seats were, the wind was blowing a
brisk 20-25 miles-per-hour and the wind chill was about
fifty degrees. And my t-shirt wasn’t cutting it.

It was a fairly exciting game…what I could see of it
though the tears in my eyes. Plus, after every ten minutes
in my seat I had to walk down to the concession level to
warm up my numb extremities. At least down there the heat
coming off of the thousands of bodies standing in line for
beer and hotdogs acted as sort of a Brownian generator. But
that cut into a lot of game time.

Between waiting in line for beer and hotdogs, and the bath-
room and squinting into the wind and blowing into my hands,
I probably saw a good fifteen minutes of crotch-pulling and
dirt kicking. It was very engrossing.

That was the afternoon. I’ll tell you about the rest of the
day later.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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“It’s bad in Mexico. They’re not allowing anyone to go to
the soccer games. They’re playing them, just no fans are
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There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers
for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand
it any longer. “Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?” I asked.

“What’s the point?” my husband said. “They die after about a
week.”

“So could you,” I shot back, “but I still like having you
around.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

“‘That’s a great place to work!” shouted my 16-year-old
brother after coming home from the first day at his first
job. “I get two weeks’ paid vacation.”

“I’m so glad,” said my mother.

“Yeah,” added John. “I can’t wait to find out where they
send me.”

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I’m embarrassed to even tell you.

editor — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 13:00:54 +0000

Good morning crew,

Wow, is it supposed to be a gorgeous week! Eighty and sunny
right through Labor Day. I just hope I get to see some of
it. I pushed myself a little harder than I should have, going
out on Saturday and then to the gym Monday night. I woke up
yesterday with my head cold back, worse than it was last week.
And I had better be in shape by Saturday because I let myself
get talked into attending a baseball party at a rooftop ad-
jacent to Wrigley Park where the Chicago Cubs play, and the
ticket was about a million dollars (non-refundable).

This is quite a little scam they have going on. There are
several low buildings right across the street from the park
with a perfect view of the field. So what do they do? In-
stall bleacher seats on the roof and sell them, along with
food and beer packages, at exorbitant prices to the gullible
public.

Anyway, I’m embarrassed to even tell you what I paid for one
of these tickets, so I’m going to head home a little early
and try to get ten hours of sleep tonight so I’m back on my
game!

Laugh it up,

Joe

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I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I
bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot
of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could
actually get inside and ride. Instead, after hours of
assembly on my part, he ended up played in the box it came
in.

It taught me a valuable lesson. Next year he got a box, and
I got a hundred dollars’ worth of scotch.

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“That,” answers her date, “is an authentic Irish toast.”

“Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”

“Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What’s that?”

The girl says, “That’s French toast.”