Clean Laffs

There’s always time for a quick prayer!

editor — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 13:00:47 +0000

Good morning crew,

I know that dumping tons of salt all over the place isn’t
exactly environmentally friendly, but there are bare min-
imums of safety which should be considered in the winter
months.

We have had a lot of icy weather over the last couple of
weeks and neither the people who plow the office parking
lot nor the people who plow the condo parking lot seem to
be willing to part with any of their precious salt.

I have fallen three times in the last week alone! Twice in
the office parking lot—which is like walking on a giant
pane of oiled glass—and once in my own parking lot. That
just happened last night.

I was heading out to the truck to go to the gym and my left
fool slipped right out from under me. In a desperate attempt
to keep my balance I jumped straight up in the air, tucking
both of my feet under me, for some reason, and landed on
both my knees.

From an observer’s perspective it must have looked like I
spontaneously jumped up in the air and landed on my knees
for a quick prayer before getting in my truck.

I have the most remarkable pair of bruises on both of my
knees!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Exciting news from the Norwegian University of Science and
Technology. The Norwegians released a study today that says
having a sense of humor can help people live longer. In other
words, if you don’t laugh at this monologue tonight, you’re
going to die.” -Jimmy Kimmel

***

so that it runs on fat left over from liposuction. That’s
right, Middle East — a car that runs on fat. Now who has
the greatest energy reserves in the world?” -Conan O’Brien

***

“Here’s an announcement from the post office: Tomorrow is
the last day you can mail a gift to get it there by next
Christmas.” -David Letterman

———————————————————————————————-
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Just One Pill A Day… To Be Celebrity Slim
———————————————————————————————-

Stolen Root Beer

Fred, who owns a restaurant, is convinced that one of his
employees is stealing root beer from him. Since he is a bad
businessman, he doesn’t keep very good records of his
inventory or his employees, so he doesn’t know who is doing it.
He decides to set a trap to find out who is stealing from him.

He assigns each of his employees a different night to close up
shop. He then arranges the last 28 bottles of root beer in a
square so that each side has nine bottles, as shown below:

2 5 2
5 0 5
2 5 2

Fred figures that whatever day he comes in where there are no
longer nine bottles to a side, he will know it was the person
who closed the night before who is doing it.

Unfortunately for Fred, Bob, the thief, figures it out and
manages to take four more bottles the night of his shift,
rearranging the bottles so that Fred doesn’t realize they’re
missing. Not only that, but Bob was able to take four more
bottles away the next night he closed while still rearranging
them to have nine bottles on each side.

How did Bob do it?

After Bob takes the first four bottles, he arranges the
remaining 24 bottles like this:

3 3 3
3 0 3
3 3 3

When he takes the next four and only leaves 20 bottles, he
arranges them like this:

4 1 4
1 0 1
4 1 4
*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked
his boss for two more weeks off to get married.

“What!” shouted the boss? “I can’t give you more time now.
Why didn’t you get married while you were off?”

“Are you nuts?” he replied. “That would have ruined my whole
vacation.”

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I do the jokes around here.

editor — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:00:35 +0000

Good morning crew,

     Hey, Joe: before you complain about people only
   buying you scotch for Christmas remember this -
   it’s not the gifts that count, but rather the
   spirits in which they’re given. Bottom’s up.
      -harry

Thanks Harry, but I do the jokes around here!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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Like Spanx But Less Than 1/2 The Price…

***

“The U.S. Army just said that it has managed to increase
recruitment by allowing fatter people to enlist. In fact,
several new recruits have volunteered for a daring raid
on a refrigerator.” -Conan O’Brien

***
“An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past
eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford
university and living in their dorms, even though she was
not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight
months. Hey, that’s nothing. I pretended to be a student
for four years!” -Jay Leno

***

“Barack Obama’s kids started school in a very exclusive
private school in Washington, D.C. Someone got a hold of
the school’s lunch menu for one day, there’s ‘local pump-
kin and sage soup’ and ‘roasted butternut squash.’ While
that may seem like a bit much for 7- and 8-year-old kids,
I was looking over their wine list, and it was very
reasonably priced.” -Jimmy Kimmel

———————————————————————————————-
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———————————————————————————————-

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of
financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to
see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized
our marriage. “With this ring…” I began romantically.

“We could pay off the Visa,” he responded.

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

Bob hadn’t been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked
into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over
in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in
greeting, saying, “You look like Helen Brown.”

“Well,” the woman snapped back, “you don’t look so great in
blue, either!”

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

A new record!

editor — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 13:00:50 +0000

Good morning crew,

I forgot to tell you about my Christmas haul. I got a pair
of leather gloves, and MP3 player (which is very nice), a
book and three (count ‘em) bottles of scotch!

This is what happens when you become stereotyped. People
think of old Joe and cannot come up with a single gift idea.
Apparently I am very difficult to buy for. So they get me
something they know will not go to waste. Hard liquor.

And I certainly don’t mind it. Good scotch is expensive.
But it is rather telling of what people thing about me.
This year is a record, too. Last year I only received two
bottles. So it’s getting worse…or better…depending on
how you look at it.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

FOREVER FLASHLIGHT
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FOREVER FLASHLIGHT

***

“I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit
I’ve had since I was a teenager. About three times a week,
I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids
for prized heirlooms until I’m asked to leave.”
–Dennis Miller

***

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single
word of what I am saying.” -Oscar Wilde

[I can sympathize.]

***

A report says high school students aren’t very good with
American history. It’s pretty shameful. On a recent test,
a majority of seniors thought Lincoln’s Gettysburg address
was ALincoln@gettysburg.com…”

———————————————————————————————-
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APPLE CIDER VINEGAR PILLS
———————————————————————————————-

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and
the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for
driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time,
so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking
to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen
lawyers in the main

lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers
thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the
judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear
that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury
room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and every-
one waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally
out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to
see what was holding up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, “Well have they
got a verdict yet?”

The bailiff shook his head and said, “Verdict? They’re still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman’s position!”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he’d caught recently
after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, “I saw the picture you
took of that fish. You’re lucky if it weighed 10 pounds.”

Doug replied, “Well…a fish can lose an awful lot of weight
during three hours of fighting.”

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

It’s not a perfect system, but it works.

editor — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 13:00:34 +0000

Good morning crew,

Well, we’re back, folks. The entire office was off most of
last week…kind of like a mandatory vacation…but we’re
back at it now.

It was fun having the time off. I got caught up on my
relaxing all the way back to October. Plus, I got caught
up on all my family visiting, too. I visited almost every-
body in a fifty-mile radius.

And now that they’re sick and tired of me eating their food
and drinking their booze I probably won’t get any more in-
vitations for another six months or so.

It’s not a perfect system, but it works.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

GENUINE LEATHER MEN’S TRIFOLD WALLET

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***

“On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that
all men are created jerks.” –H. Allen Smith

***

“This has all the earmarks of an eyesore.” –James McSheehy,
member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, commenting
on a construction project he opposed.

***

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian.” –Dennis Wholey

———————————————————————————————-
PET BLINKERS… The Pet Safety Light
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PET BLINKERS… The Pet Safety Light
———————————————————————————————-

No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our
daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle,
I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a
little helmet.

The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-
checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of
the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my
leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in
the chin.

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

My wife doesn’t complain often, but once she was having a
old-fashioned “heart-to-heart” with me and said, “Hon, you
never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you
get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds.
Please promise me you’ll try to work on that.”

The last thing I remember was replying, “I’m sorry, what
was that you were saying?”

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

The last time a woman kicked me.

editor — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 13:00:25 +0000

Good morning crew,

Now here’s a story you don’t hear very often…

A martial arts instructor in Suffolk, Virginia has been
arrested for kicking an 11-year-old student more than 200
times, causing internal injuries and possibly breaking a
rib.

Police say 47-year-old Susan Bateman was arrested and
charged with one felony count of child endangerment.

Police said Bateman issued a challenge during class at a
Suffolk dojo to see how many kicks to the abdomen students
could take. Students got into a push-up position while
Bateman kicked, stopping when the student either said to
or went to his or her knees.

The 11-year-old boy and another student took more than 200
kicks as the class counted.

The student didn’t tell his parents until he needed medical
attention.

Ha! It’s a good day when we DON’T get kicked 200 times in
the abdomen in our school. Although it’s never been admin-
istered by a woman.

The last time a woman kicked me it didn’t have anything to
do with martial arts training…and it was a little lower
than the abdomen.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop
on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual
store. Well of course! There’s no naked women at the stores.”
–Jay Leno

***

“The hunting season in New York has begun. I love hunting
season. And what is more American than accidentally shooting
your drinking buddy?” –Dave Letterman

***

“Boeing announced today that it is postponing delivery of
its new 787 Dreamliner plane until 2010. This means that
for the first time ever, the luggage will arrive at the
same time as the plane.” -Conan O’Brien

———————————————————————————————-
20 LED Flashlight with Case & Keychain

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———————————————————————————————-

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person
brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were
realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist,
realizing that the conductor did not know what he was
doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a
delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor,
highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra,
demanding, “Who did that? Who did that?”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head.
He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum. The bar-
tender asks, “Why are you wearing a paper towel?”

“Arrr…” says the pirate. “I’ve got a bounty on me head!”

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

It feels weird doesn’t it?

editor — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 13:00:05 +0000

Good morning crew,

Welcome to 2009! Feels weird doesn’t it? It does to me any-
way. Although apparently a lot of people could care less.

Just last night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station
mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When
I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew
was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

“How old is the coffee you have here?” I asked the woman who
was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve only been working here two
weeks.”

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

STEALTH S.S.A. HEARING AMPLIFIER

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***

“You all have a nice holiday? How many still have their
Christmas tree up? How many still have a rotting pumpkin
on their porch?” –Jay Leno

***

“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”
–Bill Vaughan

***

“I do think New Year’s resolutions can’t technically be ex-
pected to begin on New Year’s Day, don’t you? Since, because
it’s an extension of New Year’s Eve, smokers are already on
a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the
stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in the system. Also
dieting on New Year’s Day isn’t a good idea as you can’t eat
rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is
necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover.
I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began
generally on January the second.”
–Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary

———————————————————————————————-
BATTERY FREE FLASHLIGHT RADIO by North Point
Hand Crank Radio Runs For Over 20 Minutes Without Batteries…

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This compact radio with a flashlight makes a great companion at
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providing information in the event of an emergency.

Built-in Triple LED Flashlight features bright light and
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FEATURES:
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- Super Bright Triple LED Flashlight
- Headphone Jack
- Requires No Batteries… Just Crank To Power Up

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BATTERY FREE FLASHLIGHT RADIO by North Point
———————————————————————————————-

[Following are some very funny spelling bloopers caught in
local newspapers, publications and various emails. See if
you can catch the goofs.]

1. “…an autopsy to determine if the elderly man lost
courteousness for medical reasons.” (Trenton, N.J.)

2. “[An NBA coach] will take charge of a young team still in
the throws of a roster overhaul.” (Vernon, Conn.)

3. “‘It’s pretty exciting,’ according to his material grand-
mother.” (Potsdam, N.Y.)

4. “The MCCC fight team won 21 out of 32 awards and brought
home nine metals.” Including the gold? (Trenton, N.J.)

5. “McNabb…exasperated the injury attempting to chase down
Dallas Cowboys safety Roy Williams.” (Trenton, N.J.)

6. “Boxer Pups AKC, 1M, 1F, Bread for Health and
Temperament.” (e-mail)

7. “[Paris Hilton] was probably going through cocaine
withdrawls.” Is she from the South? (Sunnyvale, Calif.)

8. “Our lunch menu [includes] a variety of hot entrees and
tempting deserts.” Presumably also hot. (Upper Saint Clair,
Pa.)

9. “Vincent was a brawny Swiss ex-patriot.” (San Jose,
Calif.)

10. “…those who acquaint shopping with charity.”
(Simsbury, Conn.)

—-

Corrections: 1. consciousness 2. throes 3. maternal 4. medals
5. exacerbated 6. bred 7. withdrawals 8. desserts 9. expatriate
10. equate

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

The government will be requiring new food labels that are
more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low
fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

And now, the end is near…

editor — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 13:00:40 +0000

Good morning crew,

Okay, remember, folks. We’re taking tomorrow and Thursday
off, so you won’t receive your Clean Laffs on those days.
I will, however, be back on Friday, so don’t forget to look
for me then!

Have a fun and safe holiday and I’ll talk to you next year!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good
resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them
as usual.” -Mark Twain

***

“New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless,
of course, those tests come back positive” -Jay Leno

***

“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank
where they have no account.” -Oscar Wilde

———————————————————————————————-
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———————————————————————————————-

One morning while a locksmith had come to change the locks
in my house, I realized I had to run a few errands. I turned
to him, a sweet older man, and said I was heading out. As I
got to the front door, I noticed my sad-faced dog staring at
me from the living room. “I love you, sweet boy,” I said.
“Now you be good. Okay?”

From the other room I heard a voice answer, “Okay.”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

This fellow’s wife was constantly nagging him to teach her
to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they
go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband
steps up first and says, “Now watch me, and do the same
thing.” He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with
about 30 feet to the cup.

The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off
a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and
drops into the cup. The husband looks at this, and says, “OK,
now you know how to play, let’s go home.”

***********************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2008 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Mmmm…that’s good camel.

editor — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 13:00:03 +0000

Good morning crew,

Have you ever heard the expression, “Straining at a gnat
while swallowing a camel?” I never knew what the heck that
was supposed to mean until today. When I came upon the joke
in the middle of today’s issue I determined to do a little
research and solve this mystery once and for all.

As you might have guessed, it has a biblical origin. In
Matthew 23 Jesus was chastising the Pharisees for observing
the letter of the law but not practicing the spirit of the
law.

He said, “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you
hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and
cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters
of the law—-justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have
practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You
blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.”

The important thing to understand is that according to the
laws of Moses certain things were forbidden to eat, like
insects, pigs and camels, among other things.

So Jesus was comparing the Pharisees devotion to the minutia
of the law while ignoring the large picture to straining one
miniscule little insect out of water or wine so as not to
contaminate it with a “forbidden” animal, and then drinking
that wine with a camel steak.

Anyway, it seems to make the joke just a little bit funnier
if you actually understand it.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Here’s a holiday tip I learned over the weekend: A fruitcake
can be used like a Duraflame log in the fireplace.” -Jay Leno

***

“This morning the news said it feels like it’s 10 below zero
outside. It’s freezing. It’s so cold, I saw someone rubbing
the Olsen twins together to start a fire.” -Conan O’Brien

***

“Now here’s something historical. In January, all five living
presidents are scheduled to have lunch together. Clinton
suggested the VIP room at Hooters.” –David Letterman

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———————————————————————————————-

Noah was standing at the gangplank checking off the pairs of
animals when he saw three camels trying to get on board.

“Wait a minute!” he said. “Two each is the limit. One of you
will have to stay behind.”

“It won’t be me,” said the first camel. “I’m the camel whose
back is broken by the last straw.”

“I’m the one people swallow while straining at a gnat,” said
the second.

“And I am the one that shall pass through the eye of a needle
sooner than a rich man shall enter heaven.” said the third.

“Well, I guess you had better all come in,” said Noah, “the
world is going to need all of you.”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where
I work. So I’m constantly preaching caution to the workers I
supervise. “Does anyone know,” I asked a few guys, “what the
speed limit is in our parking lot?”

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of
them piped up. “That depends. Do you mean coming in to work
or leaving?”

Wassail!

editor — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 13:00:16 +0000

Good morning crew,

We are on the very edge of the big holidays, folks. Christmas
and then New Year. Can you feel the excitement in the air?
I can…mostly because we’re taking the week off! After today
you won’t receive another Clean Laffs from me until next week.

But as a little holiday present from me to you I dug up an in-
teresting excerpt from Bill Bryson’s book “I’m a Stranger Here
Myself,” dealing with an old, old Christmas tradition that I
could really get behind. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be
in practice any more.

   One of the many small mysteries I hoped to resolve
   when I first moved to England was this: when British
   people sang ‘A-wassailing We’ll Go,’ where was it
   they went and what exactly did they do when they got
   there?

   Throughout an American upbringing I heard this song
   every Christmas without ever finding anyone who had
   the faintest idea of how to go about the obscure and
   enigmatic business of wassailing.

   It wasn’t until I happened upon a copy of T.G.
   Crippen’s scholarly and ageless ‘Christmas and
   Christmas Lore,’ published in London in 1923, that
   I finally found that wassail was originally a
   salutation.

   From the Old Norse ves heil, it means ‘in good
   health.’ In Anglo-Saxon times it was customary for
   someone offering a drink to say, “Wassail!” and for
   the recipient to respond, “Drinkhail!” and the for
   participants to repeat the exercise until comfortably
   horizontal.

So if anybody sees me out and about please don’t hesitate
to buy me a drink and wish me ‘Wassail!’ I’ll return the
favor. Oh, and remember, I won’t be back until the 29th!

Wassail,

Joe

***

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You can be confident your laser will shine a constant beam up
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This Green Laser Pointer has so many features that we can’t
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***

“You know the Yule log they show on TV every year. You know,
the log in the fireplace burning. Now one of the cable net-
works is now showing the Yule log in HDTV. This way you can
see with absolute clarity that you have no life.” –Jay Leno

***

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to
have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast
food, and beer…. Who’d have ever guessed that product
consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would
mix so harmoniously? –Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

***

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the
Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the
Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists
went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the
street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or
(to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’ –Dave Barry,
“Christmas Shopping: A Survivor’s Guide”

———————————————————————————————-
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———————————————————————————————-

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,
when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it’s myrrh.

* The editors of Woman’s Day magazine recently ran an item
on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design
on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped
in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must
be smoking crack.

* If you’re giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping
paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those
little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual
effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning

Your wife: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

You: It’s a gift! See? It has a bow!

Your wife: (peering into the trash bag) It’s a leaf blower.

You: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

Your wife: I want a divorce.

You: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what
you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during
this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

Top 10 Excuses Made by Innkeepers in Bethlehem…

10. Roman’s “Stay Free” promotion a bit too successful.

9. Wife said he couldn’t accept olive wood carvings as
payment anymore.

8. Too busy getting new “Motel One” franchise going.

7. Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels.

6. Filled up for the “Caesar Impersonators’” convention.

5. Didn’t accept the Judean Express Card.

4. Last room left was by the ice machine.

3. Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before.

1. No last names, no service.

Great luck if this is your first time.

editor — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 13:00:37 +0000

Good morning crew,

We’re getting close to the big holiday, folks. Only a few
more days.

I don’t know how closely you have been following this
financial crisis…or recession…or whatever you want to
call it, but I just read recently that home loan interest
rates are the lowest they have been in thirty years!

That and the depressed housing market means that home
prices are at rock bottom. That is fantastic news if you
are looking to buy your first home. You could not be in
better shape.

However, if you’re like me, and all of your money is sunk
in your current home, it’s kind of a catch 22. I can’t buy
until I sell…and I really can’t sell until the market
rebounds a little bit.

So…I am going to do the next best thing. Refinance at
a new low rate and buy a new boat!

Just kidding…about the boat.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“It snowed in Malibu. Unbelievable. Roads were closed. In
fact, there was so much snow, celebrities couldn’t get to
the global warming conference.” -Jay Leno

***

“According to a new study, polar bears will probably be ex-
tinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can.”
-Dave Letterman

***

“Earlier today, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said
that his state needs to reduce toxic substances. Of course
when Arnold said it, it sounded like, ‘Ragu taco submarines.’”
-Conan O’Brien

———————————————————————————————-
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———————————————————————————————-

Visiting his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my
middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community
pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up
a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a
five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim’s father returned
from his walk and called out, “I’m ready to leave.”

Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had
to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the
wide-eyed little boy cried, “You’re a kid?”

*——————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————*

Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our
family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas
tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the
perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but
Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was
“just up ahead.”

One year I snapped. “Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn’t
exist. It’s like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if
you can find one that isn’t dead, doesn’t have too many bald
spots and is straight.”