Clean Laffs

It is my patriotic duty.

editor — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 13:00:40 +0000

Good morning crew,

I’m taking the day off tomorrow because the fourth falls on
Saturday and I feel it is my patriotic duty to not contribute
to the economy for at least one day in celebration of our
country’s independence.

With my time off I think I’ll head downtown for The Taste
of Chicago. Foolish? Yes. Maybe even stupid. It is the day
before a major holiday and the second to last day of the
fest. About half of the entire population of Chicago will
be there. There will be lines of up to two and a half hours,
and that is just to buy the food and drink tickets. The
lines to buy actual food and drinks will probably be several
hours each.

The lines for the bathrooms will be so long it will be more
convenient to actually walk to the lake front and go right
in Lake Michigan.

But! One way or another I’m going. If you don’t hear from me
on Monday you can assume I succumbed to hunger or dehydration
or I got trampled.

Excluding that, I’ll fill you in on any exciting details
from the weekend next week!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

Handy Can-Opener
Open Cans Safely In Seconds…

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The cutting blade is safely recessed to avoid accidental cuts and
there are no other sharp edges on the unit. It easily glides and
smoothes the edges on the can as an extra safety feature. When the
can is done automatically opening, the powerful magnet inside the
unit lifts the lid.

FEATURES:
- Fully-Automatic Process
- Only One Button, and Manual Release Dial
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***

“To promote the use of clean energy, a Swiss adventurist is
going to fly around the world in a solar-powered airplane.
He’s just praying that nothing bad will happen…like night.”
-Jimmy Fallon

***

“When I’m driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL
CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I’m
not afraid of small children.” –Jonathan Katz

***

“Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a
penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far
didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was
grounded.” –Tim Allen

———————————————————————————————–
TOUGH TOOLS LED TORCH FLASHLIGHT

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and portable. It’s perfect for camping, travel, boating, home
emergency kits, or even walking the dog! Colors may vary.

FEATURES:
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- Anti-shock structure - Takes 3 AAA Batteries (INCLUDED)

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TOUGH TOOLS LED TORCH FLASHLIGHT
———————————————————————————————–

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an academic function,
and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which
the doctor was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me,
Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency
in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask a simple question
which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person
hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips
around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’”

The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous
laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would
you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-
assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter
that escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under
the bridges in California’s Bay Area.

But what my father told his friend was, “She’s involved in
some sort of escort service.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

editor — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 13:00:03 +0000

Good morning crew,

I did the most incredibly absent-minded thing this afternoon.
While I was coming back to the office from lunch I decided
to stop at the gas station and top off my tank.

I went in, asked to put ten dollars on pump number 12 and
bought an instant lottery ticket and a pack of gum.

Then I went back to the truck, tucked the gum in the little
bag containing the sandwich I bought earlier, scratched my
ticket (bubkis) and drove back to work.

I think you can see the step I missed.

I had driven almost the two full miles back to the office
by the time I realized what I had done. So I drove back to
the gas station (another two miles) where, surprisingly no
one had pumped my ten bucks, put in the gas and drove back
to the office again (another two miles).

When all was said and done I probably ended up with the same
amount of gas as I started with.

By the way, welcome to July!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

“This is a love story. A true love story” - Barbara Walters
Christian The Lion DVD - The Full Story of Christian

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Our Price: $19.99

Here is the beautiful, all true story, about Christian the Lion.
After years of being raised around humans, Christian considers
himself a human too. Follow his story as he is introduced to the
wild African plains for the first time in his life. And then the
whole, full story of the reunion of Christian with the folks who
raised them…. You won’t believe how your heart will melt!

“More than 40 million people have viewed this
very special love story” - Oprah

“It’s something to see”- Joy Behar, The View

“It’s so uplifting… I Wept Like A Baby”
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SPECIAL BONUS: You Get two bonus movies free:
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Christian The Lion DVD - The Full Story of Christian

***

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I
don’t know the answer.” -Douglas Adams

***

“My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her
voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to
kill my father.” -Wendy Leibman

***

“I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because
they don’t require so much cooking.” -Carrie Snow

———————————————————————————————–
GENUINE LEATHER MEN’S TRIFOLD WALLET

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Loaded with features…. Open it up and you won’t believe all
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great for a key! There’s a spot for everything…

The Marshal motto of, Sure, Pure & Perfect is never more true
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What may be the biggest surprise is the price we have… through
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GENUINE LEATHER MEN’S TRIFOLD WALLET
———————————————————————————————–

Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies were
talking about the stress of leaving their families. A senior
officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the
conversation and offered the following advice:

“You must be sensitive to your wives’ emotional needs,” he
said. “Never, ever, whistle while you pack!”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first break-
fast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her
husband slowly savored each forkful.

“How was it, Honey?” she asked when he’d finished.

“Well,” he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, “you probably
could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the
whole, it was a good start.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Trapped in a vicious cycle.

editor — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:00:16 +0000

Good morning crew,

It’s bill time again, or as some people call it…payday.
I shouldn’t complain too much about my bills. Sure, I
don’t have much money, but I did just pay off my TV which
I bought last November and I now owe less than three large
on my credit card.

So with every paycheck I come that much closer to living
within my means…until, of course, the next emergency
comes up that requires me to dip into my savings or go to
my credit card.

For example; the Renaissance Faire is coming up, and Lord
knows what kind of emergency expenses that will involve.
Plus, I am trying to pencil some plans for a long weekend
to Lake Geneva (Wisconsin, not Switzerland).

You see how easy it is to get trapped in a vicious cycle?

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

CAMPER’S SURVIVAL TOOL
Not Just For Camping…

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While this is the perfect camper’s companion, we think EVERY
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BRIGHT, it turns into a blinking distress light with one
additional click.

Tucked away in the hidden compartment are two stainless steel
utensils (Spoon & Fork) that are magnetized to prevent excess
jostling inside the container. Ventilation holes allow moisture
to escape after utensils are washed.

Just when you think that there’s nothing else.. how about a
multi-use tool that has a can opener, corkscrew, knife and
bottle opener.

Lightweight and durable, this multi-function tool will fit inside
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***

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he
says to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a
vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug.”

“OK,” says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

***

“The first thing I did after being hired as the director of
learning technology at a high school was to change the sign
outside my door — the one that had my name followed by the
acronym D.O.L.T.”

***

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were
looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

———————————————————————————————–
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———————————————————————————————–

My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion:
In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on
our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.

“Who would you pick to portray you?” she asked me.

I thought about it for a minute, then answered, “Dennis
Quaid.”

“In that case,” she said, “I’ll play myself.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make
anyone nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood
by going around the room asking where all the guests were
from. “Burnt Mattress, Arkansas,” called out the friend
sitting next to me.

“Burnt Mattress!” said the instructor, suppressing a laugh.
“I’ve heard some unusual town names before, but never that
one. Where’s it located?”

My friend shot back, “Right above Hot Springs.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

A solution to every problem.

editor — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:00:38 +0000

Good morning crew,

Old Mason and I were hanging out over the weekend watching
a movie on TV. It got to a really boring point in the plot,
a scene with some chick singing…poorly.

So I said to Mason who was holding the remote, “Fast-forward
this, will you?”

“This is cable, man,” he responded pragmatically.

“Yeah, well this chick is boring.”

Without looking away from the musical number he said, “I could
beat you unconscious for five minutes until she’s done.”

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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Like on TV, this Super Size Shammie Absorbs 50% than natural
chamois. It’s extra large size of 27 x 17 can be cut in half
for smaller jobs. Durable enough for just about any task, but
soft and gentle enough for use on any surface.

It’s the PERFECT cleaning cloth and has hundreds of household
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***

“The Senate voted to make English the national language of
the United States. The vote drew protests from several im-
migrant groups and one governor of California.”
–Conan O’Brien

***

“Today is National Catfish Day. You’re supposed to recognize
the value of catfish. I recognize their value by eating them.”
-Craig Ferguson

***

“According to the latest census survey, the number of people
without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh,
they’re dead because they didn’t have health insurance.”
–Jay Leno

———————————————————————————————–
WIRELESS HEADPHONES
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enjoy music anywhere in your home or office without any wires
for up to 30 feet in distance.

They’re Easy To Use… The transmitter quickly connects to any
receiver, DVD player, gaming systems, computers and more
with the RCA adapter (included).

FIVE (5) FUNCTIONS IN ONE:
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WIRELESS HEADPHONES w/ Built-In FM Scan Radio
———————————————————————————————–

*Things That Never Happened On Star Trek*..

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a
type it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists,
who are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works
properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life-
form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old
life form wearing a funny hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious
plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-
stocked Enterprise sick-bay.

6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a
less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by
the Starfleet Prime Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from
one place to another without serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to
interface to the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out
that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly
diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and
competent engineering staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien
intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien
intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some
chocolate.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called
“Paradise” where everyone is happy all of the time. How-
ever, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it
seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the
Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area
are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp ex-
perience which is in some way unconnected with the Late
20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet
he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the
end of the episode.

16. Counselor Troi states something other than the
blindingly obvious.

17. The warp engines start going haywire, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from
boy genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position
for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of
one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended
graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said
she wasn’t in yet and offered to take a message. The caller
said she’d phone back later.

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that
Marina had gone to lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. “I’m sorry,” I said,
“she’s left for the day. May I take a message?”

“Yes,” the caller replied. “How can I get a job with you?”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Tomorrow is the big finale.

editor — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 13:00:49 +0000

Good morning crew,

Tomorrow is the last part of the black belt test..the
technique portion. Compared to Monday night this should
be no problem. I’m STILL sore from Monday!

But still, I need to take it easy tonight. I’m going to
make my best effort to be home by midnight…one o’clock
at the latest.

I’ll fill you in on the details next week. Enjoy your
weekend!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

FOREVER BAGS - Package of 16…

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HOW FOREVER BAGS WORK:
Fruits, vegetables and flowers release ethylene gas while
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FEATURES:
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- Reduce Vitamin Loss by 50%

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***

“I love those signs along the highway that say, ‘Litter
Removal Next 2 Miles.’ That’s when I start chucking my
trash out the window.” –Scott Wood

***

“The sure way to tell if a man is a bachelor is to check
his silverware. If it’s chewed up from going through the
garbage disposal a few times, he’s for real.”
–Nick Arnette

***

“I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, ‘Did you
know it’s time for your annual check-up?’ No. But now my
postman does.” –Cathy Ladman
———————————————————————————————–
Eco-Friendly 5-Piece Aluminum Water Bottle Set
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Not only is it healthier for you and your family to not use
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you’ll save hundreds (maybe more) of dollars a year.

Each set contains:
- (1) 25.5oz bottle
- (1) 17oz bottle
- (2) Color coded carabineers attach to bottles (makes carrying
easier)
- (1) Nylon Carry Bag

Either bottle keeps drinks hot or cold so you can carry along
whatever you like. They are leak proof and extra light. Weighs
no more than a plastic water bottle.

And remember you get the BONUS Nylon Carry Bag. You won’t find
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Eco-Friendly 5-Piece Aluminum Water Bottle Set
———————————————————————————————–

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion
to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received
it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.
Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the
part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his
mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with
a letter containing just four words: “TURN THE PART OVER.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, “Son, when
you grow up, you can marry any girl you please.”

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I
could not please any of them.

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Desserts, deserts or deserts?

editor — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:00:16 +0000

Good morning crew,

       Not to be picky or uppity but maybe you meant
     desserts? Just deserts would imply sand, wind,
       and hot weather….

desserts, Joe. Just deserts would be like, Gobi,
Sahara, etc. But you knew that, right?

     OH Joe… “just deserts?” Are you referring to
       the Sahara or the Gobi..or just “the Painted
       Desert?” I hate to desert you at this time in
     your spelling training, but I have to make the
      jello for my kid’s dessert. Your faithful fan
     in VERY hot Arkansas. -Marie

I received several other emails similar to these, but less
polite, so I didn’t include them. But I feel it is my
responsibility to set the matter straight on this matter.

A brief search of the dictionary produced the following
entry…

desert n. Something that is deserved or merited, especially
a punishment.

This word goes back to the Latin word ‘deservire’ which
means “to devote oneself to the service of…”

Fortunately, ‘desserts’ and ‘deserts’ are homonyms, so no one
will know you’ve been using the wrong word all this time. I
know this isn’t exactly amusing, but I find it hilarious!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

CelebSLIM (30 Day Supply)
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Just One Pill A Day… To Be Celebrity Slim

***

“Sunday was the summer solstice. It’s the longest day of the
year, if you don’t count Thanksgiving with your family.”
-David Letterman

***

“Tonight’s the premier of ‘America’s Got Talent.’ It’s based
on an English show called, ‘Britain’s Got Talent.’ Which they
do, in some areas. In others, not so much. Like dentistry.”
-Craig Ferguson

***

“Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes
when their owners’ blood sugar drops. They’re great at it,
but only when diabetes is in your crotch.” -Jimmy Fallon

———————————————————————————————–
Ever Wonder How To Get Candle Wax Out of Your Carpet? or…

What’s the best way to chop an onion without crying? Now in
this fun and informative newsletter you can find easy ways to
tackle those little chores in and around the house. Common,
everyday issues and problems are solved by Holly and her
readers who share their personal favorite hints and tips.
Join us for some quick tips that are GUARANTEED to make you
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———————————————————————————————–

One of our projects at military leadership school called for
us to speak in front of the class on a topic picked by our
instructor. A classmate gave an impassioned speech on the
benefits of drinking liquor. Alcohol, he insisted, warded
off colds, kept you alert, and even made you steadier on
your feet.

“Good job,” said our instructor when he finished. “Only one
thing: Your topic was the benefits of drinking liquids, not
liquor.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

The first day at my new health club I asked the girl at the
front desk, “I like to exercise after work. What are your
hours?”

“Our club is open 24/7,” she told me excitedly, “Monday
through Saturday.”

************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

What am I, crazy?

editor — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:00:22 +0000

Good morning crew,

Well, I survived…barely. I’m not sure I’m cut out for
this kind of sadism any more. I could handle the 600 jumping
jacks. I struggled through the 300 push ups. I even managed
the 300 sit ups. But the fifty squat thrusts just about did
me in. I have never been so close to vomiting from exhaustion
in my life. And then things started to get hard.

But…I guess it’s a better way to spend a Monday night than
sitting at home, playing video games and drinking beer…what
am I, crazy?

By the way…all of those sit ups, push ups and jumping jacks
were not done in a row. They were broken up into sets, so it’s
really not as hard as you think.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have
died out long ago.” —Robert Heinlein

***

“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water
there is bacteria.” -Ben Franklin

***

Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect; it just means
you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections. –Unknown

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I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of
Rutgers University.

The new flock of kids attending college always includes
those who need a little help with everyday chores they
themselves never did before, such as laundry or grocery-
shopping.

I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened
the carton to check them over before putting them in my
cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton…
then leaned toward me and asked, “What are we looking for?”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing
of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The
personnel office sent this reply…

“Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one
broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics.”

It would only be just deserts.

editor — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 13:00:13 +0000

Good morning crew,

Tonight is part one of the black belt test, folks (last
night from your perspective). This is the endurance portion
of the test which consists of two hours of random torture.

Despite having gone through it twice before I still feel a
little nervous. Who knows what kind of deviltry the masters
have cooked up. But what’s the worst that can happen? I get
humiliated and made to cry like a little girl?

It would only be just deserts considering how many actual
little girls I have made cry while helping to administer
this exact same test over the previous years.

I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“GM just announced that they will stop manufacturing the
Pontiac Vibe in August. The reason? Bad Vibes.” -Jimmy Fallon

***

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-Conan O’Brien

***

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Mixed Metaphors

English professors love to catch the errors students make in
their term papers, and they love nothing better than to catch
mixed metaphors. The “friends and survivors” of Calvin College
English department collected this list of mixed metaphors and
posted them on their web site:

“He swept the rug under the carpet.”
“She’s burning the midnight oil at both ends.”
“It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on
the fire.”
“It’s time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard.”
“She’s robbing Peter to pay the piper.”
“He’s up a tree without a paddle.”
“Beware my friend…you are skating on hot water.”
“Keep your ear to the grindstone.”
“Sometimes you’ve gotta stick your neck out on a limb.”
“Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife
slicing through butter.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location.
“It’s only a stone’s throw away from the beach,” he was
told.

“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.

The reply came back: “It’s the one with all the broken
windows.”

Welcome to summer.

editor — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 13:00:41 +0000

Good morning crew,

Welcome to a new week, folks, and welcome to summer! In
case you didn’t notice, yesterday was the solstice. We’re
in it now.

Hopefully you had a good weekend. Once again I managed to
spend more money than I intended. Somehow it just seems to
leak out of my pockets when I’m not looking, but you can’t
have fun without spending a few drachmas. Am I right?

It’s going to be a long week for me. I’ll be pretty much
living at the gym over the next six days, so I’ll fill you
in on the weekend details tomorrow. I actually have to do
some work today so let’s get to it!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent
the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records…
at least that’s what I thought I was doing. Turns out the
cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get
out.” –Julian Clary

***

“He’s the kind of friend who will always be there when he
needs you.” –Adam Christing

***

“There’s an old saying - There’s No Place Like Home. Well, I
went in the house next door, and it was very, very similar.”
–Geoffrey Parfitt

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The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on
the witness stand.

“And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband
sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage,
didn’t you feel any qualms? Didn’t you feel the slightest
pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly
unconscious of it?”

“Yes,” she answered. “Come to thik of it…there was just a
moment when I sort of felt sorry for him.”

“And, when was that?”

“When he asked for the second cup.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine
to appraise my grandfather’s violin. “Old fiddles aren’t
worth much, I’m afraid,” he explained.

“What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?” I asked.

“If you’re buying it from me, it’s a violin. If I’m buying
it from you, it’s a fiddle.”

The best condition I can muster.

editor — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 13:00:57 +0000

Good morning crew,

I need to be abstemious this weekend because the black belt
endurance test is Monday night and I need to be in the best
condition I can muster. Well, the best condition I can muster
in three days, anyway.

It’s going to be tough, too. I have a date to go to dinner
and then a comedy club Saturday night. And, of course, there
are all the solstice parties on Sunday!

If you have any big plans for the summer you had better get
started. Summer starts Sunday!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“One time we were driving through a construction zone and the
sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. And there were four of us in
the car. We were through there in no time.” –Geechy Guy

***

Ever notice how it’s a penny for your thoughts, yet you put
in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal.
–Steven Wright

***

“How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue
and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where
does the glue go?” –Rita Rudner

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An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, “Doc,
my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and
to check the prescription you’ve been giving to Mrs. Smith.”

“Oh, he did, did he?” the doctor shot back. “And since when
does a druggist second guess a doctor’s orders?”

The old man says, “Since he found out I’ve been on birth
control pills since February.”

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

Jimmy: ‘Hey, Mike! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told
me he was really something special.’

Mike: ‘To tell the truth, I’m really disappointed in him.
The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing
like a bird.’

Jimmy: ‘What? Let me get this straight… You bought a fish
because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?’

Mike: ‘Well, yeah. After all, you know, he’s a parrot fish.’

Jimmy: ‘Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach
a parrot to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a
parrot fish.’

Mike: ‘That’s what you think! It just so happens this fish
CAN sing. The thing is, he’s terribly off-key and it’s
driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?’