Well, it looks like I won’t be retiring any time soon. On
the plus side I still have my condo and my truck. I’ll fill
you in on the details later. Hope everybody had a great
weekend!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

GENUINE LEATHER MEN’S TRIFOLD WALLET

Normal Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99, get two wallets for just $7.98…

Loaded with features…. Open it up and you won’t believe all
the space in this compact area. It has two (2) currency
sections, two (2) window ID’s & six (6) leather credit card
slots., six (6) clear credit card slots, one (1) hidden pouch
great for a key! There’s a spot for everything…

The Marshal motto of, Sure, Pure & Perfect is never more true
than with this classic black wallet. It’s a wallet that demands
attention!

What may be the biggest surprise is the price we have… through
a special buy, we are able to offer this quality wallet for less
than cost. In fact you can get three (3) wallets for less than
the normal price of one.

To see a picture of it (or the Classic Bifold Style),
visit: http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/3744/c/120/a/505

***

“In Japan, they have developed a new green machine that
turns regular paper into toilet paper. Kind of like what
Wall Street did with the dollar.” -Jay Leno

***

“Don’t think of me as a talk show host, think of me as a
good friend whose phone number none of you have.”
-Jimmy Kimmel

***

“It was on this day in 2004 that Facebook was launched.
Could you believe it was just six years ago that you could
lose touch with people you don’t like?” -Craig Ferguson

———————————————————————————–
WIRELESS HEADPHONES
w/ Built-In FM Scan Radio

TV & Store Price: $14.99
OUR PRICE: $3.99

These Wireless Headphones With Built-In FM Radio allow you to
enjoy music anywhere in your home or office without any wires.

The manufacturer says you can use these for up to 30 feet away
from the base. Our testing says it is closer to 20 feet.

They’re Easy To Use… The transmitter quickly connects to any
receiver, DVD player, gaming systems, computers and more
with the RCA adapter (included).

FIVE (5) FUNCTIONS IN ONE:
- Wireless Headphones  – Internet Chat/Gaming  – Audio Monitoring
- FM Auto-Scan Radio      -Wired Audio Connection

If you’re looking for a pair of wireless headphones that are a
great value but not fabulous quality… here it is. These sold
for $14.99 in Circuit City… grab a pair or two for $3.99…
heck even the FM radio is worth this!
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/3626/c/120/a/505
———————————————————————————–

I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with
a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As
we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms
around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, “It’s
good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!”

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after mid-
night. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!”
exclaimed the lawyer.

After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake
him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t
wait until morning?” grumbled the governor.

“Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,”
begged the attorney.

“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the funeral home,”
replied the governor.

**********************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

There is an old saying, if at first you don’t succeed try,
try again. Since I was stymied in my plans to go to the
casino last weekend I am going to try again this weekend.

Throwing money away takes discipline and dedication. What
am I supposed to do, sit around and not waste money? Invest?
Save for the future? Pffft! Like anybody believes the future
really exists.

It’s much more important that I get to pretend like I’m
George Clooney in front of my girlfriend for four or five
hours.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

MEMORY FOAM INSOLES
It’s like walking on air…

Retail Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $4.99

You’ll feel like walking on air with these specially designed
insoles. These Memory Foam Insole have a top layer made of
pressure-relieving, memory foam that conforms perfectly to
your foot’s shape for the most comfortable fit and support
possible. Easy-to-use… simply cut for a perfect fit… anyone
can use them… that is up to a size 11 Men’s foot.

Benefits:
- Molds to your feet for unbelievable comfort
- Excellent for people with foot conditions seeking added comfort
- Molds to your foot
- Relives pressure on the ball of your foot, bunions and joints
- Prevents heel shock by cushioning your every step
- Supports your arch
- Increases stability by cradling your foot & preventing foot roll
- Gives you custom comfort from your heel to your toes
- Provides much needed rest for your tired, achy feet
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/4006/c/120/a/505

***

“I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration
is planning huge changes to President Bush’s ‘No Child Left
Behind’ law. The new law will be called ‘Let’s Face It, Some
Kids Are Just Duds.’” -Jimmy Fallon

***

“NASA is sending a missile to the moon to find out if there
is water there. If it works, NASA plans on looking for water
on other planets. I would drink water from other planets. I’m
not sure about water from Uranus, though.” -Craig Ferguson

***

“A list has been published of the foods that are most likely
to expose you to infectious disease, and surprisingly all of
them are healthy foods like leafy greens and fresh fruits. In
other words, America is gonna be just fine.” -Conan O’Brien

———————————————————————————–
YIN YANG NECKLACE – Add Some Balance To Your Life…

List Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $2.49
Get Two for: $3.98
(Makes a GREAT Gift)

I always liked the classic Chinese symbol of the Yin and Yang.
And we’ve got a cute necklace & pendant featuring the symbol.

The symbol represents the constant balance between opposing
forces in nature… like the relationship between light and
dark, or man and woman… you know how a woman can put clothes
IN the hamper, but a man never can.

Add some flair to wardrobe with this beautiful black and silver
pendant comes on a black 17″ black cord with easy clasp. The pendant
is approximately 3/4″ in diameter so it’s not too big to be bulky.

It’s the perfect size to be noticed. It’s also lightweight and
comfortable to wear. Both Guys & Gals Love These!

Get one for $2.49 or save more and get two for $3.98. Want to save
a whole bunch? Get 12 for $23.88 an additional $6.00 savings. Visit:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14609/c/120/a/505
———————————————————————————–

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should have
dinner.  Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there
have low-cut blouses and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again
and once again they discuss where they should have dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and
the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again
and once again they discuss where they should have dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and
quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again
and once again they discuss where they should have dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair
accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again
and once again they discuss where they should have dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

While watching my grandson’s baseball game, I saw a young
mother with her toddler on one of those child leashes.

She was talking with another mom about an incident that
happened earlier that morning.

Her little Chihuahua was sick, and she had raised people’s
eyes as she walked into the vet’s office with her dog in
her arms and her child on a leash.

All I could think was, “What’s wrong with this picture!”

**********************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I finally received the last tax document I need in the mail
yesterday, so I think tonight I’ll empty out all of the boxes
and drawers I have packed with personal papers that I never
organize and collect everything I need to get my taxes done.

With the home improvements I did last year I should get a
tidy little sum back.

If I can get that e-filed this week I’ll have my refund by
the end of February…just in time for my next credit card
statement!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

FUZZY SOCKS – Very Soft & Comfy…

Retail Price: $7.99
DEAL PRICE: $2.99
Get two for $4.98

Warm and cozy microfiber socks come in a variety of stripes
and solid colors. So soft you have feel it to believe it!
These quality socks are made of 97% Polyester, 2% Spandex
and 1% Rubber. Machine washable. Women’s size 9-11.

PLEASE NOTE: Because of the low cost, colors are chosen
at random. Grab a bunch by visiting:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/r/120/a/505/l/1d7p94

***

“I was in Las Vegas this past weekend. I saw a Drew Carey
game there. You know you’ve made it when there’s a game
named after you. It’s called ‘The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.’”
-Craig Ferguson

***

“More Americans can name the three stooges than the three
branches of government. Well, that’s because the three
stooges are more likely to get something done.”
-David Letterman

***

“L.A. has got so many cupcake stores these days. When did
we start eating so many cupcakes? Also, there are about
10,000 medical marijuana dispensaries in L.A., so maybe
that’s got something to do with it.” -Jimmy Kimmel

———————————————————————————–
Finally – An EYE-CATCHING Bracelet That’s Surprisingly Affordable

From the world famous Vercasci jewelry galleries comes the
“deal of the century.” Now you can get a Vercasci Rhinestone
Bracelet for under $8. Breathtaking is the only word for it.

With features you’ll love – Thirty-Five dazzling rhinestones,
each cut & polished like a diamond for maximum brilliance.
One size fits all. You couldn’t ask for a more beautiful
finishing touch to your outfit. Anywhere else you can expect
to pay over $60.00. At $7.99 ($5.99 for two or more) its rare
to find such a fabulous bargain for a sophisticated Vercasci
bracelet. Seeing is believing. VISIT:
http://rd.gophercentral.com/al/a?aid=7&ent=2069
<a href=”http://rd.gophercentral.com/al/a?aid=7&ent=2069″>
Vercasci Rhinestone Bracelet</a>
———————————————————————————–

Enclosed with the heartworm pills my friend received from
a veterinarian was a sheet of red heart stickers to place
on a calendar as a reminder to give her pet the medication.
She attached these stickers to her kitchen calendar, marking
the first Saturday of every month.

When her husband noticed the hearts, he put on a lecherous
grin, turned to his wife and asked, “Do you have something
special in mind for these days?”

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we
had each been married nearly 50 years. “That’s a long time,”
I observed.

“A long, long time,” she agreed. Then she smiled. “Something
just occurred to me.”

“What’s that?”

“If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it,
I’d be out of jail by now.”

*********************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Remember all of my exciting weekend plans of going downtown
and hitting the boat show? Then going out for drinks and
maybe stopping at the casino and winning a mortgage payment
and earning the respect of men and adoration of women?

Yeah, never happened.

I was terribly sick the entire weekend with a stomach virus
or food poisoning or something.

That’s the last time I eat raw oysters at a place called
‘Fishy Joe’s.’

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

The Tastes and Colors of Provence Cookbook
Good Cooking… Good Travels… Good People…

List Price: $12.99
DEAL PRICE: $2.99

This is one of the most unique cookbooks you’ll ever own.
It’s not just filled with recipes it is a guided tour of
the Provence of France.

People spend thousands of dollars to attend a full week at
Sylvie Lallemand’s Provencal Cooking School. This book allows
you to experience a typical week at the cooking school AND the
actual recipes they cook.

You’ll also enjoy 12 full-color water color prints by Sylvie…
and she’s quite the artist too!

You’ll even get some recipes from some of her favorite regional
restaurants.

This little book is packed with so much… after reading it
and of course trying out some of the recipes you’ll feel like
you’ve been been on a journey to France.

Grab a book or two (they make wonderful gifts), by visiting:
VISIT: http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14570/c/120/a/505

***

“Rapper and cologne-maker Diddy gave his son, Justin Dior
Combs, a $360,000 car for his 16th birthday. He must really
do the heck out of his chores.” -Jimmy Kimmel

***

“Today is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart wrote over 600 pieces
of classical music, best known for his master work, ‘Rock
Me Amadeus.’” -Craig Ferguson

***

“A man in the UK was banned from a public park after he tried
to have sex with a tree. I don’t know about you, but I think
Al Gore has finally gone too far.” -Jimmy Fallon

———————————————————————————–
BRAWNY PRODUCE PROTECTOR BAGS
Package of 20…

Normal Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99
Get Two Packages (40 Bags) for $9.98

Tired of throwing out rotten food? Brawny Produce Protector
Bags prolong the life of your fruits, vegetables and cut flowers
without the use of chemicals. Stock up on produce without
worrying about rapid spoilage or extend the life of your home-
grown fruits & veggies.

HOW PRODUCE PROTECTOR BAGS WORK:
Fruits, vegetables and flowers release ethylene gas while
ripening after harvesting or picking. Ethylene gas accelerates
ripening, aging and rotting. Forever Bags absorb and remove this
damaging gas, dramatically extending the life of fruits,
vegetables and flowers.

FEATURES:
- You get 20 Brawny Produce Protector Bags (10 – 9″ x 15″, 10 – 12″ x 17″)
- Save Money… Waste Less Produce
- Reusable up to 20 Times
- Keep Produce Fresh Approx. 30 Day
- Reduce Vitamin Loss by 50%

It does all that with NO CHEMICALS! Get one package of 20 Brawny
Produce Protector Bags for $5.99 or pick up two packages (40 Bags)
for $9.98. Yep… you’re getting two for the normal price of one.
VISIT: http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14363/c/120/a/505
———————————————————————————–

In the Southern Illinois University student newspaper:
“Sweet, little old lady wishes to correspond with S.I.U.
undergraduate. Prefers six-foot male with brown eyes
answering to initials J.D.B.

Signed, “His Mother.”

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

My husband, who is an auto mechanic, was on the kidney-
transplant list.

As you can imagine, it was a tense time for our family.

But one day, the phone rang and our teenage son answered.
It was the hospital with good news. “Dad” he yelled ex-
citedly. “Your parts are in!”

**********************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

It’s that time again. The Chicago Strictly Sail Boat Show
is at Navy Pier. Although at least this year there is very
little chance that I will take on the crushing financial
burden of buying a boat I can’t afford. No matter what old
Mason says.

If I am going to buy a house this year I need to save every
dollar I can.

Okay, maybe a catamaran.

Laugh it up,

Joe

mailto:joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. We now have a Forum. You can post comments on this and
recent issues at… http://cleanlaffs.gophercentral.com

***

GENUINE RUBY NECKLACE (Only 258 left…)

Normal Retail:$29.99
LIQUIDATION: 99 Cents

This stunning Genuine Ruby Pendant Necklace is perfect
for everyday wear or a night out on the town.

The exquisite cut and setting of the gem will accent any
outfit and create a sparkling spectacle. Included is a
beautiful gold tone 18″ necklace. Grab one or two… up
to eight (sorry that’s the limit) of this spectacular
Genuine Ruby necklace while stock is available. At only
99 CENTS, it’s an offer, you can’t refuse. VISIT:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/3420/c/120/a/505

***

“The economy is horrible, isn’t it? Just horrible. Every
day there are little reminders that jump right in your face
and remind you how bad the economy is. This morning, I wake
up, I go downstairs. The Starbucks that was in my living
room has closed.” –David Letterman

***

“The Washington Post says the drug Botox could be the newest
weapon used by terrorists. Botox is short for Botulinum Toxin
and a speck of toxin the size of a grain of sand could kill
a 150-pound adult. Fortunately, I haven’t weighed 150 pounds
since I was nine.” -Jimmy Kimmel

***

“Natives on the Pacific island of Vanuatu recently
apologized to the great-great-grandson of a missionary who
their ancestors ate 170 years ago. Witnesses describe the
conversation as ‘awkward.’” -Conan O’Brien

———————————————————————————–
Classic Comedy Duos On DVD: Only $2.99

Store Price: $9.99
OUR PRICE: $2.99

This is a collectible treasure as we take you back to the
early days of comedy caught on film. First, we have the
ever comic duo; Laurel & Hardy in one of their funniest
films ever made- Flying Deuces.

Then we hop into the time machine to the 50s and experience
the comic genius of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis in the FIRST
feature film- At War With the Army. 2 great features for the
unbelievable low price of $2.99. Get it now:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/1576/c/120/a/505
———————————————————————————–

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was
pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed
that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. “I
teach math there,” I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, “Okay, here’s a problem. A
teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the
limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the
rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?”

I replied, “Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I
receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math,
then adding to that the fact that none of us would be any-
where without teachers, I’d say zero.”

He handed me back my license. “Math was never my favorite
subject,” he admitted. “Please slow down.”

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

An office technician got a call from a computer user. The
user told the tech that her computer was not working. She
described the problem and the tech concluded that her com-
puter needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here
and I’ll fix it for you.”

About ten minutes later she showed up at his door… with
the electrical cord in her right hand.

**********************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

I am seriously beginning to loathe the Xbox I received for
Christmas. For two weeks I have been trying to complete a
game called Residential Evil with limited success. The
closer I get to completing the game the harder it gets.
Last night I spent two hours trying to complete one stupid
scene. One scene! I failed over and over again until I
finally yanked the disc out of the machine in disgust. I
was on the verge of snapping it in two when I was able to
finally calm myself down. It’s just not worth getting so
upset of a stupid game. Although after investing so much
time I do feel morally obligated to finish it. When am I
going to learn?

Laugh it up,

Joe

mailto:joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. We now have a Forum. You can post comments on this and
recent issues at… http://cleanlaffs.gophercentral.com

***

Rockin’ Buns
Rock your body for total health & fitness…

List Price: $39.99
DEAL PRICE: $19.99
Get Two: $29.98

This is a very unique item, and it’s been a top selling item in
Europe for a year and finally has made its way to the U.S.
Let me tell you… you will feel it instantly. It takes a little
getting used to, but after a few minutes you’ll master the motion
and begin to feel it. At least we did when we tested it.

Rockin’ Buns lets you tone and tighten your derriere, legs, thighs,
hips and more. Helps strengthen back muscle and relieve back pains.
Includes two (2) large massage balls and 10 smaller massage balls
that are interchangeable for customized positioning.

FEATURES:
- Tones and tightens your entire body
- Includes Two (2) Large Customizing Massage Balls
- Includes 10 Germanium Massage Balls
- Believed by many to help relieve pain
- Get the derriere you always wanted
- Fun, Rocking Motion
- Helps Strengthen Back Muscles Too

Grab one for $19.99 or grab two for $29.98… makes a great gift.
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/2405/c/117/a/505

***

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is
the belief that one’s work is terribly important.”
–Bertrand Russell

***

“The one human quality that must be developed is self
discipline for success. The will power to force yourself
to do what you know you should do when you should do it,
whether you like it or not, whether you feel like it or
not. Success is tons of discipline.”  -Brian Tracy

***

“Once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes
to think little of robbing; and from robbing, he comes next
to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility
and procrastination.”  –Thomas De Quincey

———————————————————————————–
OneWorld DIGITAL FM RADIO
So Many Features… Great For Travel…

List Price: $9.99
YOUR PRICE: $3.99

Get this lightweight and compact radio that does it all! Of
course you can listen to FM radio.. but you can also preset
it to quickly find 10 of your favorite stations.

What I like is that it has an Alarm Clock WITH a Snooze button.
How cool is that for a travel radio? Also has a World Time mode.

This Digital Radio has been designed to provide market leading
functionality… while being intuitive to use.

FUNCTIONS:
- 10 Channel Memory Presets
- Automatic and Manual Tuning
- Backlit Dot-Matrix Display (remains lit for 10 seconds after input)
- Snooze Alarm Clock (wake up to radio or buzzer)

World Time Size: 5 1/2″ x 3 1/2″.. and a thin 1″ thick. Uses 2
AA Batteries (not included).
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14393/c/120/a/505
———————————————————————————–

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of
financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to
see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized
our marriage. “With this ring…” I began romantically.

“We could pay off Visa,” he responded.

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

Tarzan and Jane were expecting their fourth child and were
pretty strapped for cash, so Tarzan decided to go into the
used-crocodile business. Monday morning he got up early,
shaved, put on his best loin cloth, swung down to the river,
and spent the whole day fighting, haggling over and hassling
with cranky crocs.

As dusk fell, a wan Tarzan swung back to the treehouse and
demanded, “Quick, Jane, a martini!” Tossing it back he
barked, “Another, Jane, on the double!” Gulping it down, he
held out his glass again. “One more, Jane.”

“Aw, honey, don’t you think you’re overdoing it a bit?” she
chided gently.

“You don’t understand, Jane… it’s a jungle out there.”

**********************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Joe: I am riding every day.  I don’t know why
you would say that putting the bike away is
being responsible.

Well, I was making an apparently failed attempt at being
funny. The responsible thing would have been to winterize
the bike so I wouldn’t have to goof with it again until
the spring.

For a couple years I left the bike downtown at old Mason’s
place for the winter. He had a heated, underground garage
and every month I would pester him to start the bike up for
me and ride it around the city for a half hour. But after
two years he finally wised up and refused to do it anymore.

By the way, I’d like to say thanks to the people who wrote
in and suggested I buy a trickle charger to hook up to the
battery for the winter.

That’s not a bad idea. Next year, if I don’t sell the bike
so I can afford a house, I will definitely invest in one,
but for now it’s just easier (even if it’s colder) to just
ride the old beast once a month. So that’s the current plan.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

THROW YOUR TUPPERWARE AWAY
10-pc Always Fresh Food Containers – Less Expensive & Better…

List Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $9.99

Always Fresh Containers help to extend the life of fruits,
vegetables, cheese, bread, meats. During the ripening process
damaging gases are released. Exposure to these gases speeds
up the aging process, Always Fresh Container are made with
special material that absorbs and removes these damaging gases,
extending the life of foods.

These environmental friendly reusable containers also help
reduce vitamin loss without the use of harmful chemicals and
keep all foods fresh longer. 10 pc. set. Nested so it stores
easily!

ALWAYS FRESH BENEFITS:
- Saves money
- Eliminates freezer burn
- Keeps all edibles fresh longer
- Reduces vitamin loss without the use of harmful chemicals
- Each container stacks inside the next so it will take up a
minimal amount of space.

Grab a set of these Always Fresh Containers and you’ll start
saving money right away. To see a video with more info or to
order, visit:
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/2377/c/120/a/505

***

“Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of
snow…I rang her up and said, ‘Did you get my drift?’”
–Peter Kay

***

“Always and never are two words you should always remember
never to use.” –Wendell Johnson

***

“There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terres-
trial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience
or none at all.” –Ogden Nash

———————————————————————————–
The Cozy-Cuddler: Blanket With The Sleeves
Like The Snuggie But Less
Than 1/2 The Price…

Normal Price: $19.99
OUR PRICE: $9.99
Get two for $15.98

Nap, watch TV or read under the cozy warmth of The Cozy-Cuddler.
This ingeniously designed blanket with oversized sleeves keeps
you warm and comfortable. Large sleeves let your hands move
free while keeping your arms warm.

Made of a thick and warm fleece that feels very soft on the
skin. The Cozy-Cuddler is great on a couch, a chair, in a hammock,
on your bed or anywhere else you care to take it. Perfect for
camping, a ball game and more

FEATURES:
- Ultra-soft fleece
- Non-pilling
- Machine washable
- Extra-Large Blanket Covers Entire Body From Head-to-Toe
- Large sleeves let your hands move free while keeping your arms
warm
- One size fits all
- Machine washable for easy cleaning
- Large built-in storage pocket

Turn down your thermostat and still relax in warmth and comfort
with The Cozy-Cuddler.  Grab one for $9.99… or save an additional
$4.00 and get two for $15.98.
http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/2449/c/186/a/505
———————————————————————————–

Jim was just out of Navy boot camp, and was on his first
ship.  About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit
ill from the motion of the ship.  He approached an ensign,
also just out of training and on his first cruise.  He
saluted and said, “Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick,
and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs
to the dispensary.”

The ensign returned his salute and replied, “Sailor, you
are in the Navy now.  You don’t go downstairs, you go below!
There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay.  Not
only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not
the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is
a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttle-
butt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of
Naval jargon, I till throw you out of that little round
window over there.”

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

A number of years ago, we had a rather pompous pastor.  One
Sunday morning when he called for the offertory, he folded
his hands across his chest and intoned, “Ask and ye shall
receive; seek and ye shall find; knock and it will be opened
unto you.”

Then he spread his arms wide and called, “Therefore…come
unto the Lord all ye askers, seekers and knockers.”

**********************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Hey Joe – I can’t believe how close my dinner
last night is to your planned dinner tonight.
Of course we had steaks instead of Pork Chops,
steamed potatoes with sweet onion. The corn
was delish. And no wine, just water – but the
similarities are mind-boggling! LOL! -Teresa

Well, it’s hard to go wrong with meat and potatoes. Did
you eat alone, too? You know, it’s never a good idea to
drink and watch the History Channel at the same time.

If you need a dinner date how about my husband
Steve?  I’ve got a nasty sinus infection and
don’t feel like cooking tonight.  And, he does
dishes!!  Hopefully, Susan

Only if he’s willing to cuddle afterward.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

GopherCentral Book Collection
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This book collection includes:
- Best of Laff A Day – World According To TZ
- Best of Clean Laffs
- Thrifty Tips
- In The Kitchen With Marzee – The Daily Recipe
- Best of Bizarre News II (Uncensored)
- Corporate Soul

Order your collection today for just $5.99 by visiting:
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***

“NASA says that a mystery object passed by Earth yesterday
morning. They’re not sure what it was, but it missed the
Earth by 80,000 miles, so it could have been a Northwest
flight.” -Jay Leno

***

“In Sweden, a group attending a Weight Watchers meeting
were lined up for a weigh-in when the floor collapsed.
Police at the scene are describing the accident as
hilarious.’” -Conan O’Brien

***

“Tiger Woods had an accident on Thanksgiving in his Cadillac
Escalade and GM isn’t renewing their contract with him,
which means the No. 1 golfer in the world does not have a
caddy.” -Jimmy Kimmel

———————————————————————————–
FUZZY SOCKS – Very Soft & Comfy…

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PLEASE NOTE: Because of the low cost, colors are chosen
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———————————————————————————–

Hey, since we’re now living in the time of e-mail (and blogs
and texts and Tweets) and the more common use of the written
language, it is time for an English lesson.

So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep
in mind when using the Queen’s Engerlish:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat).

6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.

9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad
too.

11. Contractions aren’t helpful and shouldn’t be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it’s highly superfluous.

14. One should never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don’t use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose
earth shattering ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when
its not needed.

27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me
what you know.”

28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times:
resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it
correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

Classified Ad from local newspaper:

06′ Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000

This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had
its 500 mile dealer service.

It’s been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the
ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I’m selling it
because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving
wife. Apparently “Do whatever you want.” doesn’t mean what
I thought. Call Steve. 555-1212.

**********************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Here’s one I bet you didn’t know. Laughing can kill you.
It’s called Fatal Hilarity (I’m not making this stuff up).

It’s not very common. One of the more recent cases occurred
in 1975. Alex Mitchell, a 50-year-old bricklayer from King’s
Lynn, England, literally died laughing while watching an
episode of The Goodies.

According to his wife, who was a witness, Mitchell was unable
to stop laughing while watching a sketch in the episode ‘Kung
Fu Kapers’ in which Tim Brooke-Taylor, dressed as a kilted
Scotsman, used a set of bagpipes to defend himself from a
psychopathic black pudding (once again…I’m not kidding).

After twenty-five minutes of continuous laughter Mitchell
finally slumped on the sofa and expired from heart failure.
His widow later sent the Goodies a letter thanking them for
making Mitchell’s final moments so pleasant.

At this point I am obligated to point out that neither Clean
Laffs nor Clean Laffs Joe (AKA Cecil Merriweather, AKA Flint
Ironstag) is legally liable for any deaths resulting from
reading this publication.

If you have a heart condition you are recommended to stop
reading now.

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

Crystal Nail File 2-Pack
The Latest Innovation In Nail Care…

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Crystal Glass nail files are the perfect solution for shaping
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Extremely hygienic… unlike other nail files, the Crystal
Glass nail file is not porous and cannot absorb water and
create an environment for disease (bacterial or fungal). Plus
they can be disinfected, boiled or sterilized by any known means
or simply washed under hot running water.

Mostly you’re going to love how they provide a smoother filing
process. NO MORE JAGGED EDGES…

Great for acrylic nails and in the place of a pumice stone. These
files feature two levels of abrasion.
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***

“We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric
hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they
simply thaw and wander around, it’s not a problem, but if
they find a leader – a Captain Caveman, if you will – we’ll
be facing an even more serious problem.”
–Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, on the dangers of
global warming

***

“New York…when civilization falls apart, remember, we were
way ahead of you.” –David Letterman

***

“All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah,
blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.” –Dennis Leary

———————————————————————————–
UV STERIBRUSH TOOTHBRUSH SANITIZER
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SteriBrush uses the same germ-fighting technology found in
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bulb kills germs to prevent the spread of harmful bacteria.
The unit stays on for 10 minutes and will automatically turn
off when it is done.

SteriBrush has been designed to accommodate all toothbrush styles,
including most electric toothbrush heads. It contains two tooth-
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Grab one at this amazing price, but sorry we must limit you to
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———————————————————————————–

When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where
occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress
down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks. A
student came in, and his eyes widened. “Wow!” he exclaimed.
“You should wear clothes like that every day. You look, like,
twenty years younger.

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

Artifacts are a major portion of an American-Indian reser-
vation’s economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit
reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at
least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors
in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a
fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination
of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood
was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued
thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce
the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his com-
petitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.

**********************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

We have really been in a cold spell here, folks. It hasn’t
been above freezing all week. Plus, we just got about six
inches of snow dumped on us last week with the threat of
more to come this week.

I read an interesting article recently which said that snow
actually helps combat global warming because the white snow
reflects a lot more solar heat (that is called its albedo)
while the much darker colors of brown grass, leafless trees,
asphalt, concrete, etc… absorb heat.

I guess that means snow angels, while fun to make, are also
environmentally friendly!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

…….. “Oh, My Aching Back” ……..

THE BACK STRETCHER by North American Healthcare
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Stretch your back and increase flexibility using this gently
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Simply lie on the arch on a firm surface for a few minutes per
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***

“Scientists in California are developing a high-tech device
that will tell obese people if they are eating too much and
not exercising enough. That device is called ‘a scale.’”
-Conan O’Brien

***

“A man in Sicily had himself arrested so he wouldn’t have
to spend the holidays with his relatives. How many guys are
going, ‘Why didn’t we think of that?’” -Jay Leno

***

“A 92-year-old man was cited for reckless driving yesterday
after he crashed his car into a restaurant, then sat down
and ate breakfast. The amazing part? When he was done, he
still couldn’t remember where he parked.” -Jimmy Fallon

———————————————————————————–
Pillow Play – iPod Pillow W/ Speakers
Makes A Great Gift & It’s 1/2 Price…

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This iPod pillow speaker is perfect if you love to go to bed
with music, but loathe wearing uncomfortable headphones. This
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your plugged-in player securely in place.

And it has a built-in radio too! Makes a Great Gift for kids,
teens or college students!

The portable mp3 speaker is compatible with any iPod or mp3
player, as well as other audio sources such as CD players.

FEATURES:
- Pressure sensitive controls
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- Control area is plush and soft to the touch.
- Runs on 4 ‘AA’ batteries (INCLUDED)and neatly stored in side Velcro pocket

Grab one for $9.99 or get two for $15.98… great gift item…
visit: http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/3585/c/120/a/505
———————————————————————————–

At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full
size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors
to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot
sees and feels.

A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various
controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information
about the aircraft’s capabilities to each visitor who gets
in.

When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed
fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at
us and said, “Gramma, could I have a quarter?”

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a
convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the
priest’s much-loved roses.

“Not bad,” said the priest, “but they suffer from a disease
peculiar to this area known as the black death.”

“What on earth is that?” asked the passerby, anxious to
increase his garden knowledge.

“Nuns with scissors.”

**********************************************************************
END OF CLEAN LAFFS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.