Clean Laffs

Archive for June, 2009

A solution to every problem.

June 29th, 2009

Good morning crew,

Old Mason and I were hanging out over the weekend watching
a movie on TV. It got to a really boring point in the plot,
a scene with some chick singing…poorly.

So I said to Mason who was holding the remote, “Fast-forward
this, will you?”

“This is cable, man,” he responded pragmatically.

“Yeah, well this chick is boring.”

Without looking away from the musical number he said, “I could
beat you unconscious for five minutes until she’s done.”

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“The Senate voted to make English the national language of
the United States. The vote drew protests from several im-
migrant groups and one governor of California.”
–Conan O’Brien

***

“Today is National Catfish Day. You’re supposed to recognize
the value of catfish. I recognize their value by eating them.”
-Craig Ferguson

***

“According to the latest census survey, the number of people
without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh,
they’re dead because they didn’t have health insurance.”
–Jay Leno

———————————————————————————————–
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———————————————————————————————–

*Things That Never Happened On Star Trek*..

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a
type it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists,
who are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works
properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life-
form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old
life form wearing a funny hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious
plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-
stocked Enterprise sick-bay.

6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a
less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by
the Starfleet Prime Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from
one place to another without serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to
interface to the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out
that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly
diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and
competent engineering staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien
intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien
intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some
chocolate.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called
“Paradise” where everyone is happy all of the time. How-
ever, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it
seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the
Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area
are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp ex-
perience which is in some way unconnected with the Late
20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet
he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the
end of the episode.

16. Counselor Troi states something other than the
blindingly obvious.

17. The warp engines start going haywire, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from
boy genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position
for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of
one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended
graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said
she wasn’t in yet and offered to take a message. The caller
said she’d phone back later.

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that
Marina had gone to lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. “I’m sorry,” I said,
“she’s left for the day. May I take a message?”

“Yes,” the caller replied. “How can I get a job with you?”