Clean Laffs

Archive for May, 2009

All I have to do is look pretty.

May 29th, 2009

Good morning crew,

Today is the wedding…Steve’s, not mine. Like a dummy I
decided I could work a half day today. I got to bed around
midnight and got up around five a.m. so I could make it
into the office early enough to leave by noon.

Now I have to clean up and change in the office bathroom.
What kind of a maniac gets married on a Friday anyway?

Ah, well, I should be able to handle it on five hours of
sleep. All I have to do is stand there and look pretty.
I don’t have to do any of the important stuff.

I let you know how it goes next week. Enjoy your weekend!

Laugh it up,

Joe

***

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***

“Honolulu just conducted the first-ever, all-digital
elections. No voting booths. People cast their votes online
or by phone. Everyone should congratulate Honolulu’s new
mayor — a piano-playing cat.” -Jimmy Fallon

***

“The economy’s in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so
bad, Gov. Schwarzenegger had to take a second job narrating
‘Hooked on Phonics’ CDs.” –Jay Leno

***

“Last week the shuttle went up to fix the Hubble Space Tele-
scope. And now, when they finished up, they put a sticker on
the telescope that says, ‘Objects may be closer than they
appear.’” –David Letterman

———————————————————————————————–
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———————————————————————————————–

Differences between men and women

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and
Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each
throw in a $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of
them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit
they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but
it’s on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom
is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that… is the beginning of a new
argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men
kick cats.

7. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get
the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

8. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

9. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

10. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and
she does.

*———————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ———————–*

A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the
end of the tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the
Unknown Soldier. They look at the tomb and read the following
inscription: ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ BORN 5694 DIED 5733 A GOOD MAN
AND A GREAT FURRIER.

The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, “How can
this be an unknown soldier if the grave has his name?”

Their host responds, “Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but
as a furrier — he was the best!”