Clean Laffs

Archive for October, 2008

Some people just can’t take a joke.

October 31st, 2008

Good morning crew,

The other day Steve (the Daily Groaner editor) and I were
sitting around the office doing lines from one of our
favorite shows, “Futurama”.

My favorite character is DOOP (Democratic Order of Planets)
Commander Zapp Brannigan, who is infatuated with the
character of Leela and is always making incredibly blunt
and ridiculous sexual overtures toward her.

So with that in my mind I left work an hour early to go for
an eye appointment.

I walked into the optometrist’s office and up to the woman
sitting behind the receptionist’s desk. She was a pleasant
looking woman of maybe 40 or 45 and she gave me a nice, big
welcoming smile as I approached.

“Hello,” I said in my best Zapp Brannigan voice, “I’m here
for my eye appointment, but it looks like YOU’RE the one
getting the eye exam.”

Well, to make a long story short she agreed not to press any
sexual harassment charges…which is good for me because I
don’t want to have to find another optometrist.

Laugh it up,

Joe

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***

“It’s fall – harvest festival time! I’ve only grown one plant
in my life, and I’d rather not talk about it… for legal
reasons.” -Craig Ferguson

***

“Just six days from today, we’ll know for sure exactly which
candidate will be suing the other for voter fraud.” -Jay Leno

***

“Yesterday in Washington, the Secret Service arrested a man
who climbed over the White House fence. The Secret Service
told the man, ‘Get back here, Mr. President, you have two
more months.’” -Conan O’Brien

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My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state
trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked
when he walked up to the car.

“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the
officer.

“What do they usually do, ma’am,” he asked, “shoot the tires
out?”

*——————- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ——————–*

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the
doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The
doctor asked, “To what do you attribute your good health?”

The old timer said, “I’m a golfer and that’s why I’m in such
good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways.”

The doctor said, “Well, I’m sure that helps, but there’s got
to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?”

The old timer said, “Who said my father’s dead?”

The doctor said, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your
father is still alive? How old is he?”

The old timer said, “He’s 100 yrs old and, in fact, he
golfed with me this morning. That’s why he’s still alive,
he’s a golfer.”

The doctor said, “Well, that’s great, but I’m sure there’s
more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when
he died?”

The old timer said, “Who said my grandpa’s dead?”

The doctor said, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your
grandfather’s still living! How old is he?”

The old timer said, “He’s 118 yrs old.”

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said,
“I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”

The old timer said, “No…Grandpa couldn’t go this morning
because he got married.”

The doctor said in amazement, “Got married!! Why would a
118-year-old guy want to get married?”

The old timer shot back, “Who said he wanted to?”